The 10 signs you grew up with a narcissistic parent and the instant give away you’ll notice every day
A DIAGNOSED narcissist has revealed the ten tell-tale signs you grew up around a narcissist.
The personality disorder can mean you have a high sense of self-importance. You may fantasise about unlimited success and want attention and admiration.
As well as that, those with the personality disorder type may feel they’re more entitled to things than other people are. You might act selfishly to gain success and be unwilling or unable to acknowledge the feelings or needs of others and be hyper-sensitive to criticism from others.
The man who goes by HG Tudor on YouTube revealed narcissists like themselves ‘pop up in lots of different places.’
He added: “There are two arenas whereby the presence of a narcissist causes most damage – that’s in a romantic entanglement and a familial one.
“Those who have a parent or parents that are narcissists had no choice in the matter.
“They were brought into a home where a narcissist existed, and they’ve been subjected to that throughout their childhood and into adulthood.”
Of course, children often don’t see their parents as narcissistic so it can take years to realise or suspect them.
Often having a romantic relationship with a narcissist can make people realise their parent was also one, he noted.
Caregiver
We all know it’s parents’ role to look after their children, whether it’s food, shelter, or emotional support.
But with narcissistic parents, the roles tend to get reversed.
He said when it comes to a narcissistic parent, ‘you as the child may well become the emotional rock for the narcissist that they complain about the behaviours of the others’ – notably the spouse or other family members.
Children may also be expected to perform domestic duties or looking after their parent physically or financially and ‘you end up having to parent the parent’.
No Boundaries
According to the narcissist, it is common for parents with the same disorder to disregard their kids’ boundaries and often interfere with all aspects of their lives.
In addition, he said: ‘If you try and fight back against this interference, you may well be met with the ignition of fury.’
Seeking Validation
The third point raised by him was that these sort of parents seek validation from their children.
He explained: “They seek your agreement, even when you don’t actually agree with their behaviours. They must have your approval to it. They may gossip about other people, criticising them, expecting you to agree with their position.”
While healthy parents would just get on with things and stop seeking validation from you, a narcissist might go elsewhere for it by bragging about their children.
“The responses they receive by way of fuel provide them with that validation that they are a good and brilliant and talented parent,” he added.
Favourites
Narcissistic parents often have favourites, according to HG Tudor, who said it could be one of their children, or one of their cousins, or even their intimate partner – and everyone else is ‘triangulated’ with the favourite.
He added:
“You’ll note this as a consequence of there being different expectations between you and your peers concerning school achievements, sporting achievements, where you get to in terms of career, what you earn, and positions that you hold.
“Favoritism may be demonstrated by way of punishment. For instance, you’re punished, but your sibling never was, or there’s leniency shown with regards to the type of punishment that is meted out.”
You may also be constantly compared to the favourite and asked why you can’t be more like them.
HOW YOU CAN GET HELP:
Women's Aid has this advice for victims and their families:
- Always keep your phone nearby.
- Get in touch with charities for help, including the Women’s Aid live chat helpline and services such as SupportLine.
- If you are in danger, call 999.
- Familiarise yourself with the Silent Solution, reporting abuse without speaking down the phone, instead dialing “55”.
- Always keep some money on you, including change for a pay phone or bus fare.
- If you suspect your partner is about to attack you, try to go to a lower-risk area of the house – for example, where there is a way out and access to a telephone.
- Avoid the kitchen and garage, where there are likely to be knives or other weapons. Avoid rooms where you might become trapped, such as the bathroom, or where you might be shut into a cupboard or other small space.
If you are a victim of domestic abuse, SupportLine is open Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday from 6pm to 8pm on 01708 765200. The charity’s email support service is open weekdays and weekends during the crisis – messageinfo@supportline.org.uk.
Women’s Aid provides a live chat service – available weekdays from 8am-6pm and weekends 10am-6pm.
You can also call the freephone 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247.
My Needs
They also tend to put their own wants and needs above everyone else’s.
Their leisure time is more important than being a parent, which can result in neglect, as they are ‘too engrossed’ in what they are doing to take interest in what their offspring has to say.
He suggested that it may go further, saying: ‘It might be that they create a fake crisis […] in order to cause you to attend to what they require, disrupting your day-to-day life.
“They may find that they repeatedly request help from you when they could manage perfectly well themselves, or that they demand that help with certain problems, which results in you having your life interrupted.’
Shifting Blame
As someone who can’t take criticism well, if at all, they often tend to shift the blame and can’t be held accountable.
He then gave examples of the types of things narcissistic parents might say, such as “If I hadn’t have had you, I would have been a multi millionaire by now. Look what you made me do you make me this way? You make me hit you. You’ve ruined my life. Everything was wonderful until you came along.”
Breaking Free
A healthy parent will want their child to grow up, learn and become a functioning individual who can be independent, but not a narcissist.
“As the child of a parental narcissist […] you must be controlled,” he said
He added: “Anything whereby, as you become more independent, throwing off the shackles of control of that narcissist will threaten that narcissist’s need for control, resulting in the necessity of trying to nullify that threat to control in some way.”
Law & Order
As your caregiver narcissists often see you as an extension of themselves.
Therefore, they see you as a mirrored version of themselves to do their bidding for them.
They’ll also dictate important life choices, like what you do for a career, and steal credit for your achievements.
He added: ‘The commandeering of your achievements also is a means of asserting control over you, to let you remember that you’re only there but for the grace of the narcissist.’
Cut Down
As someone who always needs to be the best, they will often do what ever they need to make them feel that way and make others see them as strong.
He added: “And therefore, as a child of a narcissist, you will repeatedly find that you’re cut down.
“This was seen through nit picking criticism, the rejection of your own successes, the diminution of your accomplishments […] No matter how hard you strive, no matter what you achieve, you end up being marginalised.”
Shamed
The tenth sign your parents have narcissism is that your parents often felt no empathy towards you.
Whether you’re crying or frustrated – they often brush off your emotions, tell you to stop or state you are overreacting.
“Their absence of emotional empathy is clear and apparent,” he said.
“They’re not interested in helping you. They’re not interested in supporting you. Your reaction is a nuisance because you’re making a demand upon the narcissist, and you’re not there to do that. They are there to make demands upon you.”
What is EMDR therapy and what can it help?
By Terri-Ann Williams, Senior Health Reporter
The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) states that EMDR therapy can help you process experiences that are having an impact on your mental health and well-being.
Dr Justin Havens said it involves using side-to-side eye movements combined with talk therapy in a specific and structured format.
It can help process negative images or emotions a person associates with a certain memory.
The therapy can help you see things from a different perspective and can also help you relieve symptoms.
It can help with conditions such as PTSD, anxiety, depression, addictions, behavioural difficulties, relationship issues and more serious mental illnesses such as psychosis and personality disorders.
Dr Havens said: “Many of these problems may be rooted in some kind of trauma, whether that’s someone being bullied, criticised or abused in some way, either during childhood or as an adult, and it isn’t always obvious that this is the case.”