This December, we’re championing kindness in all its forms through HuffPost UK’s Kindness Advent Calendar. Check back daily (until 24 December) for new stories focusing on how individuals and communities are going above and beyond to help others in their times of need.
Though Christmas can be an amazing time to bring family that usually live apart together,
the BBC said that some “primal forces” can make those ’dos uniquely stressful.
Family arguments are common around this time of year, they add. In fact, some of us anticipate the exact disagreement we’ll have with one relative or another before we even see them, so sure are we that we won’t get along.
So, when does being kind to “difficult” family members go against maintaining our own healthy boundaries?
And what does kindness mean in the context of tense family disagreements?
Here, we spoke to psychiatrist Dr Bijal Chheda, c
onsultant psychologist and founder of Nos Curare Mental Health Clinic, and
Fiona Yassin, family psychotherapist and founder and clinical director of
The Wave Clinic, for their thoughts.
Boundaries can be a form of kindness
Being too quick to label family members as “difficult” can pose its own problems, Yassin said. “Be ready to embrace difference and do not expect everyone to do the same thing at the same time, or respond in the same way.”
And, she said, “Lowering our expectations and recognising that there is no such thing as a perfect Christmas can help to relieve pressure from yourself, and from others”.
But if “you have relatives who trigger negative emotions or loved ones whose behaviour leaves you drained,” Dr Chheda said, it’s important to double down on, not abandon, your boundaries.
“Boundaries are not walls you build to keep people out. They are guidelines that help you understand what you will and will not tolerate, and they work both ways. When you know your limits, you are less likely to snap at someone or withdraw entirely,” she explained.
You might choose, for instance, to attend a smaller family gathering but skip a larger one; maybe you’ll fake a phone call when conversations become tense around the dinner table.
However you approach it, the psychiatrist said, don’t presume that compliance is the same as kindness.
“Clear boundaries often make you kinder because you are not operating from resentment or exhaustion,” she told us.
How can I set boundaries for family get-togethers?
“When Christmas Day arrives, and things start to feel tense, having a plan helps,” Dr Chheda said.
Planning a walk, some activities (like board games), or cooking together “give you something to do together beyond small talk or rehashing past disagreements, which is where many families fall into old patterns,” she said.
As we’ve mentioned above, she’s also a fan of the “fake phone call” method if the chat gets hairy. She also asked, “Do you need to attend every event, or could you skip one and still feel connected? Are there certain people whose company you genuinely enjoy, and could you prioritise time with them?”.
For her part, Yassin advised: “Don’t be afraid to take yourself away from the situation you’re triggered by. Find somewhere you can escape to and use it to ground yourself when you feel your emotions are running away with you – even if it’s just five minutes in the garden, sitting on the toilet or a walk round the block.”
She ended, “Do what makes you happy. If you feel that something is not in your best interest – at Christmas and any other time of the year – don’t do it. Be honest with yourself and know that it’s OK to say ‘this is not my place’, ‘this is not where I’m going to feel at my happiest,’ or ‘I cannot be myself around this group of people’.
“It’s really important to have agency over your own holiday time – you do not have to comply with the ‘rules’.”
Got a kindness story to share? Please email uklife@huffpost.com with more information.
