My husband took his own life after being exposed as a cheat on dating site Ashley Madison… I would have forgiven him
‘LIFE is short. Have an affair,’ was the catchline that lured millions of bored husbands and wives into joining the world’s first dating agency for married people.
Ashley Madison members were assured of total discretion and promised a dream of being able to spice up their sex lives with a bit on the side – without their spouses finding out.
But a cyber attack in July 2015 exposed the identities of three million users — and they were left fearing the sexual fantasies they had shared on the site would be leaked too.
The fallout was immeasurable, with the names and addresses of politicians and celebrities as well as ordinary folk spread across the internet.
Marriages were destroyed, people lost their jobs and at least two individuals took their own lives.
Now Netflix documentary Ashley Madison: Sex, Lies & Scandal chronicles the rise and fall of the adultery site, in particular the effects of the security breach on families across the globe.
Christi Gibson, whose professor husband John died by suicide after his identity was leaked, says: “He was from three generations of pastors. He could not walk into a classroom and continue to teach with this known.
“To realise that his name was on Ashley Madison was very shocking for people. I am sure there are people who are angry about Ashley Madison, but I blame the secrecy, the cancer of shame that was eating away at him.
‘Witch hunt’
“As far as the people who were just poring over that list and looking for names — the witch hunt — I think there is a self-righteousness in that that assumes that you are without fault.
“And when the men were stoning the woman caught in adultery, Jesus said, ‘Let you who is without sin cast the first stone’ and I don’t think any of us is qualified.”
Ashley Madison was founded in 2001 by Canadian Darren Morgen-stern, who was wowed by the statistic that 30 per cent of people on dating sites were married.
He spotted a gap in the market for an online dating service exclusively for extra-marital affairs.
The site was free for women, but men had to buy credits to interact. The more women they wanted to talk to, the more they had to pay.
Ashley Madison billed itself as “100 per cent discreet” but staff revealed its security measures often played second fiddle to making a fast buck.
It took off after risk-taker Noel Biderman became CEO and brought in his childhood friend Evan Back as vice president of sales.
When the company’s racy ads were rejected by major networks, charismatic Biderman made the rounds on news programmes and daytime TV worldwide — including ITV’s Lorraine — pitching Ashley Madison’s uniquely bold prospect.
He argued that the majority of people having affairs do not want to end their marriage but are simply frustrated with their sex life.
I had imagined my life being exciting and it wasn’t exciting any more. Life became monotonous.
Sam Rader
He claimed the site provided a safe way to have an affair and could actually save relationships.
Often accompanied by his wife, Amanda, Biderman boasted of their perfect relationship and how his job meant he knew how to make monogamy work.
Evan explains: “It was a dating site for married people who wanted to have an affair.
“Part of what I really love about Ashley Madison is that it is so outrageous to some people.
“When I would go to trade shows they would ask, ‘Who is your biggest competitor?’ And I would say, ‘The Bible’.
“By 2015 we had 35 to 40million members at Ashley Madison. It was a cash cow.”
Signed up with topless shot
Sam Rader signed up after he became disillusioned by married life.
The emergency room nurse, from Dallas, Texas, was just 24 when he married his 20-year-old childhood sweetheart Nia in 2009. They have four children.
Sam says: “I loved being a dad. I loved my children, crazy about them. It was a beautiful life but it was also just like this sudden inundation of responsibilities.
“So much responsibility. I wasn’t ready for it. Paying bills, keeping up with our finances, not getting in debt. Making sure the mortgage got paid. Make sure the electric bill didn’t go off like when I was a kid.
“I had imagined my life being exciting and it wasn’t exciting any more. Life became monotonous.
“That picture of love that I saw in movies and that I so desired to be a part of just started disappearing.
“And I longed for that kind of passionate romantic love.
“I didn’t want to leave my family, but I wanted something exciting in my life.”
On a break from his night shift at the hospital, Sam saw the infamous line in an Ashley Madison advert: “Life is short. Have an affair.”
He says: “I wanted more of the good stuff that life had to give. So I signed up because it sounded like they had the answer.
“I signed up with all my real information which obviously was a stupid decision. I used real pictures of myself and a few photos of my face on there.
“I think I may have put one with my shirt off that just kinda showed my upper body.
“When I signed up for Ashley Madison I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life.”
To the outside world Sam and Nia appeared to have the perfect family life. A cute video of them lip-syncing to a hit Frozen song went viral on the internet in 2014.
It inspired them to set up a parenting vlog based on their home life and Christian values.
After Sam posted a video of him surprising Nia with her own positive pregnancy test in 2015 they gained millions of followers.
But cyber criminals calling themselves the Impact Team hacked into Ashley Madison’s system in July 2015 and threatened to expose millions of unfaithful customers unless the site was shut down within 30 days.
“It was a lot to face in a moment. I started reeling inside. I felt like my world was crumbling.
Nia Rader
In a bid to keep the breach secret and protect the brand, Ashley Madison brought in security experts instead of reporting it to the police.
‘Reeling inside’
Seven days later the hackers went public — and the world learned millions of cheaters were at risk of being unmasked.
Sam knew he was sitting on a time bomb.
He says: “If my name was found in the Ashley Madison dump then that’s it for me and my marriage.”
Neither the police nor the cyber experts could track down the hackers and, as promised, they released the account details of around 3.2million users.
Celebrities including US President Joe Biden’s son Hunter were named.
Sam was also outed. At first he denied meeting any women on the site, but he was later forced to admit to Nia that Ashley Madison was just the tip of the iceberg.
Sam had also visited strip clubs and massage parlours.
He says: “Those were easy access to that pleasure that I wanted more of. I thought having sex outside of marriage would be exciting.”
Nia says: “It was a lot to face in a moment. I started reeling inside. I felt like my world was crumbling.
“Every single aspect of my life up to this point felt like a lie. Everything that we have dreamed about — our wedding day, the day we met, these moments that felt like time stood still for us — suddenly . . . it was just over.”
When Christi Gibson heard about the hack, it crossed her mind that John may be a member as she had long suspected her husband of cheating.
She explains: “I tried to search for his name. There were hoops you had to jump through and I didn’t want to jump through them.
“I had reached a point where I thought, ‘Christi, you really are not going to do anything about it so why know?’ So I just didn’t look any more hoping I was wrong.”
Six days after the leak Christi found John dead in their garage. He had taken his own life.
She says: “I immediately rushed over to him. I checked his pulse, his neck, his arms, felt his skin, he was cold to the touch. He had been gone for a while, I just sat there.
“I was in shock. Not a day I ever imagined, not a day I would ever want to go through again. It was horrible.”
She later discovered that John had resigned from work earlier that day after bosses revealed in a meeting that his name had been in the Ashley Madison leak.
You're Not Alone
EVERY 90 minutes in the UK a life is lost to suicide
It doesn’t discriminate, touching the lives of people in every corner of society – from the homeless and unemployed to builders and doctors, reality stars and footballers.
It’s the biggest killer of people under the age of 35, more deadly than cancer and car crashes.
And men are three times more likely to take their own life than women.
Yet it’s rarely spoken of, a taboo that threatens to continue its deadly rampage unless we all stop and take notice, now.
That is why The Sun launched the You’re Not Alone campaign.
The aim is that by sharing practical advice, raising awareness and breaking down the barriers people face when talking about their mental health, we can all do our bit to help save lives.
Let’s all vow to ask for help when we need it, and listen out for others… You’re Not Alone.
If you, or anyone you know, needs help dealing with mental health problems, the following organisations provide support:
- CALM, www.thecalmzone.net, 0800 585 858
- Heads Together,www.headstogether.org.uk
- HUMEN www.wearehumen.org
- Mind, www.mind.org.uk, 0300 123 3393
- Papyrus, www.papyrus-uk.org, 0800 068 41 41
- Samaritans,www.samaritans.org, 116 123
‘King of Infidelity’
But it wasn’t just customers who were exposed; Biderman was also targeted.
A second data leak included the CEO’s private emails, which revealed he used escort agencies and had had a string of affairs.
Evan says: “The Impact Team got what they wanted.
“They released all the information. Cost millions. They got the scumbag ‘King of Infidelity’, because that’s what he became, completely disgraced.”
Despite the company offering a $500,000 reward and a huge cyber and police investigation, the hackers were never uncovered.
But far from crushing the Ashley Madison empire, the data leak actually boosted its popularity and the site now boasts around 70million members.
Sam and Nia eventually decided their marriage was worth saving, but for Christi — and others like her — there are no second chances.
She says: “I would never in a million years have imagined that Ashley Madison would have played a part in our marriage.”
Ashley Madison: Sex, Lies & Scandal is on Netflix from Wednesday May 15.