My wife is so disinterested in sex she tells me to ‘just put it in’
DEAR DEIDRE: Whenever I have sex with my wife, she is so uninterested that she just tells me to ‘put it in’.
She doesn’t want foreplay and she won’t even let me kiss and cuddle her. She seems to want to get it over with as fast as possible, and it’s making me feel frustrated and miserable.
We’ve been married for seven years. I’m 38 and she’s 36.
Sex was fine when we were first dating. Although she didn’t have a high sex drive, she seemed to want it and enjoy it.
But a few years ago, it felt like she just stopped bothering.
She never initiates it and, although she usually agrees to have sex once a month – if I’m lucky – it’s clear she’s going through the motions.
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All she ever wants is a quickie. It feels like I’m a machine that needs a service.
I love her and want a fulfilling, loving sex life. I want to be desired and to give her pleasure.
When I’ve tried talking to her about it, she says her friends don’t have sex very often either, and it’s normal.
I don’t want to spend the rest of my life like this. What should I do?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Many things can cause sexual desire to wane, from familiarity to hormones to medication.
Whatever the cause, it’s unrealistic and unfair for your wife to expect you just to accept this, when she knows it’s making you miserable.
Talk to her again and tell her how much you’re both missing out on. Ask her if something is bothering her and suggest couples counselling.
Contact Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org.uk).
My support pack, Reviving A Woman’s Sex Drive could help too.