6 Open Relationship Rules to Consider If You're Giving Polyamory a Try
Love comes in all shapes and sizes, and that doesn’t always mean monogamy. For some people, having one committed partner is plenty, but for others, the idea of having more than one partner makes them happy and that’s when most people might consider having an open relationship. And as open relationships become more common, more and more people are considering what kinds of open relationship rules and boundaries they want to put in place to help all partners feel safe and comfortable.
Of course, one thing to note when it comes to open relationship rules is that no two open relationships are exactly alike, which means people tend to implement very different rules depending on their situation. “If someone tells you that they are in an open relationship, you can get in the ballpark of what they are talking about, but you will not know what the relationship actually looks like without asking the people involved in that relationship,” Laura Consul, a licensed marriage and family therapist and certified sex therapist, tells SheKnows. It might looks like a primary, two-person partnership where one or both partners are engaging sexually and/or emotionally with others, or it could take the form of group sex (threesomes, foursomes, etc), “swapping” partners with another couple, dating others individually or as a couple, or more.
Basically, there are endless combinations of what an open relationship might look like, which is why you can’t simply assume you know what someone means when they say they’re in an open relationship. And just as every open relationship is unique, so are the rules and boundaries partners put in place to keep things humming along in a healthy way for everyone involved. There’s no one set of rules required to have an open relationship — it’s whatever works for you and your partner(s) — but there are a few boundaries experts recommend discussing.
What makes an open relationship work?
Like any relationship, but maybe even more, communication, trust, and mutual respect is essential in an open relationship. “Individuals need to be able to express their desires, needs, boundaries, and expectations as well as any concerns in a comfortable and open setting. There also needs to be a high level of trust for it to work,” Dr. Melissa Cook, a sex therapist at FunWithFeet and Sofia Gray, tells SheKnows. “Both individuals must feel secure and comfortable in the relationship before any agreements are made, and if any feelings of jealousy appear these need to be communicated. Having a mutual understanding and respect for each other also means individuals are better able to support one another and consider each other’s boundaries and feelings.”
Consul adds that a healthy open relationship also requires partners to have differentiation of self. “Differentiation refers to being able to identify your own thoughts, feelings, desires, opinions and preferences, but from a relational framework,” she explains. “Differentiation acknowledges that individuals have different wants, feelings, etc. but also acknowledges that actions and decisions affect others that are involved in the relationship. In an open relationship it is vital that all partners know and express their wants and feelings, and are capable of hearing and discussing their partner(s) wants and feelings as well.”
Consul notes that open relationships also require continued ability to be reflective and grow. “You cannot just set it and forget it. You can continually check in with yourself and your partner(s),” she says. “Update your understanding as life and relationships evolve. It’s ongoing work.”
Why are rules and boundaries important in open relationships?
All relationships have boundaries, but many people in monogamous relationships don’t explicitly state theirs. “They just assume the boundaries, which actually gets a lot of monogamous people in trouble because they wrongly assume that they’re on the same page with their partner,” Consul explains. When done well, open relationships “are more explicit about boundaries and discussing [boundaries], so everybody is able to enthusiastically consent to the boundaries in the relationship.”
Like in most relationships, rules or boundaries (also sometimes called agreements) in open relationships are a way to help each person feel safe and respected, and avoid hurtful situations. “We can think of them as guardrails that keep us going in the direction we want,” Daniel Rich, LMHC, a therapist at Clarity Therapy NYC, tells SheKnows. “In setting rules or agreements, you and your partner have the opportunity to create a relationship that will work for the two of you.” Now’s the time to ask yourself the big questions, like: “what are the things you want or don’t want? What kinds of support or reassurance do you need?” Rich says. “Open relationships without agreements, while not impossible, have a greater potential for miscommunication and hurt since each person is acting independently in this aspect of the relationship.”
Open relationship rules that experts recommend
Prioritize the primary relationship. According to Cook, many individuals strive to put the primary relationship first to ensure it remains stable and strong. “This is because open relationships are supposed to strengthen your primary connection instead of hinder it,” she says. Promising to put your primary partner first “can help individuals to feel more comfortable and valued,” Cook explains. “However, it can be difficult to juggle, which is why regular date nights and quality time with your primary partner is key.”
Who else is in the relationship with you? Rich says it’s important to know who you’re OK or not OK with your partner being with. “A common version of this is, ‘no hooking up with mutual friends,’ with the idea being that blurring the lines between friendship and sex can be uncomfortable for some people. This can have the benefit of preventing conflict and problems within a friend group.” When considering potential agreements around questions of “who,” remember that you should be co-creating these agreements together; it shouldn’t just be one partner looking to manage their insecurities through control.
What kinds of activities or behaviors feel comfortable for you and your partner to enjoy with others? Rich says that in open relationships, a basic version of this might be “no dates or getting emotionally involved, just sex.”
“Other couples have more specific boundaries around the kinds of activities that are or are not considered OK, such as specific positions or activities during sex, the use of safer sex practices, where partners are allowed to meet others, or whether partners are allowed to sleep over at someone else’s place,” he explains. “While I tend to discourage couples from micromanaging the specific things your partner can/can’t do with others during sex, some people find this extremely important. In these instances, I encourage people to think about the meaning of those things – what about them feels special, important, or particularly intimate? What’s underlying the need to reserve certain things for just the two of you together?”
Practice safe sex. This is a big and maybe obvious one, but since it involves the health of you and your partner(s), it’s one of the most important to talk about. According to Cook, many people in open relationships agree to practice safe sex, use condoms, and get regular STI tests (you can even get at-home tests now) to keep everyone protected and reduce the risk of transmitting STIs. “This approach does require discipline and it may be that you need to have sensitive conversations,” she says. “But try to discuss it openly and set reminders for checkups.”
Setting boundaries about before and after meetups. Do you need to check in with your partner first before you go out on a date, or can you go for it without a second thought? Rich says some couples prefer a check-in as part of the “informed consent” of the open relationship. “It’s one way both people can show they are being honest and upfront about their actions and intentions,” he says. “Other couples find this stifles spontaneity and prefer a different method of accountability. Both approaches are equally valid as long as they have been agreed to by you and your partner.”
The same goes for what happens after a meetup. How informed do you want to be about your partner’s experiences? “Some couples have a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy, meaning they don’t ask questions about their partner’s sexual experiences with others and don’t want to be told,” Rich says. “On the other side of the spectrum, some couples will share the details of their time with others and talk about it together. Most couples are somewhere in the middle, with a potential rule being, ‘I want you to tell me after you’ve been with someone, just to keep me in the loop and make sure you had a good time.’”
Discuss emotional expectations. As well as physical boundaries, Cook says there should also be emotional boundaries — and communication — for open relationships. “For example, if one partner thinks they are getting strong emotional feelings for an external partner, this should be communicated,” she explains. By doing so, you stand a better chance of keeping your primary connection in a strong, healthy place. “Emotions can be unpredictable and you need to consider what you want to do if one person does develop feelings,” Cook says. “Regular communication is key and boundaries should be frequently assessed.”
Consul points out that because every relationship is so different, what works for one partnership may be disastrous for another. So make sure to have those in-depth discussions about what will work for you and your partner(s) and check in frequently to make sure your boundaries are working for everyone.
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