Making It Easier: The Next Presidential Election Will Be Decided By A Simple Show Of Hands

U.S. voter turnout has so many factors working against it—disenfranchisement, fraud, apathy, inconvenience. That’s all about to change, though, because this year, casting your vote could not be easier: The 2024 presidential election will be decided by a simple show of hands. 

Now this is how you get out the vote! Simply brilliant.

The days of waiting in long lines and manually filling out ballots at polling sites are over thanks to a new voting law Congress passed today that will let voters declare their choice for president just by raising their hand. Here’s how this new election procedure will play out: On November 5th, the government will issue emergency broadcasts and phone notifications at noon EST, informing registered voters across the country that it’s time to go outside. The prospective voters will soon get a second notification: “Please close your eyes to respect the privacy of your fellow voters. Now, to vote for Joseph R. Biden, raise your hand.” After those votes are counted by polling drones equipped with raised arm recognition technology, Biden voters will be told “hands down.” The same process will repeat for Donald Trump, and so on through each respective presidential candidate, with the winner announced immediately after—that’s it! 

Wow. Performing your civic duty doesn’t get more convenient than this.

Unfortunately, the government has decided to not offer accommodations to voters without arms for the 2024 election, citing “overlooked logistical issues,” but “will consider it for 2028.” While that is certainly awful, on most other counts, this back-to-basics, hands-up approach to democracy is bound to produce record voter turnout. Faith in American elections restored!