I can’t move on until I’ve unleashed my anger at my husband’s mistress – what should I do?
DEAR DEIDRE: GOOGLE Translate proved to me that my husband was having sex with a Frenchwoman.
Now I feel I can’t move on with my life until I’ve unleashed my anger at his mistress.
I’m 40 and he’s 42. We’ve been married for ten years and together for 20.
A few months ago, I was suspicious about the amount of time my husband was spending at the gym. When I snuck a look at his phone, I discovered filthy text messages in French.
My husband is bilingual and learned French while teaching in Paris in his early twenties.
Although I don’t speak the language, the sexual emojis clearly gave away their intentions.
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I immediately copied their texts on to Google Translate, which confirmed my fears.
I learned they had met last year when my husband’s mistress started working at his gym.
She’s only 25, and she’s everything I wish I was. She has the perfect body and looks like a model. I confronted him and he said he’d ended the affair, and begged forgiveness.
We’re trying to move on and work on rebuilding our trust. I’ve vented my anger to him many times, but I feel like I want to scream at his mistress.
I have sent her messages saying I know about the affair — which was tricky as I had to translate my messages to French and hers to English.
However, I haven’t been able to tell her quite how angry I feel at her. My husband and my family don’t want me to speak to her, but I think she needs to hear what I have to say.
She had no remorse when I spoke to her and didn’t care about the hurt she had caused.
I constantly imagine scenarios where I can say what I want to her, and I know how satisfied I’d feel if I was able to do this in real life, whether she understands me or not.
I need to do this so my husband and I can move on with our lives. What should I do?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Venting all your anger at this woman may give you some short-term satisfaction but won’t help you in reality.
She knows what she’s done, and your husband has chosen to stay with you, not her.
What’s important now is your relationship with him, and that means you both need to put her in the past.
Offloading your feelings to someone detached from this hurt will help.
Speak to a counsellor who will understand and be able to work through them with you.
See my Counselling support pack for more information.