More Cow Bell, and Lock (At Least Him) Up, Finally

We know it's not much given our SCOTUS-abetted plunge into Christo-fascist authoritarianism, but Steve Bannon, MAGA thug, "legend in his own mind" and loudmouth host of the War Room's "Home Shopping Network from Hell" has finally gone to prison, so there's that. Surrendering to feds while trying to claim political martyrdom, both he and shrieky sidekick MTG were virtually drowned out by happy hecklers, many of whom are hoping King Biden can now send him and his evil ilk away - maybe to Gitmo? - forever.

Convicted of contempt of Congress over two years ago for blowing off a Jan. 6 Committee subpoena seeking evidence in Trump's 2020 election interference, Bannon was sentenced to four months in prison but kept filing multiple appeals - and shooting off his rancid mouth - until last month, when he was finally ordered to report to Danbury, Connecticut's Federal Correctional Institute by July 1. The thrice-indicted former Trump consigliere also faced fraud charges in a "Build the Wall' scam with three other grifters that pulled in over $25 million; in his last corrupt hours, Trump pardoned Bannon on the federal charges, but because even King Stable Genius has no power over states' legal proceedings, Bannon must still go to trial on those in September. Lie down with dogs: Charged with pocketing many hundreds of thousands of dollars in donations, two of Bannon's fellow crooks - one a perennial swindler - are now serving four and five year prison terms respectively.

Until Monday, the bellicose host of the four-hour War Room podcast - like "a bus with a bomb strapped to it - if it slows down, it dies" - remained maddeningly free to spew incendiary trash on Real America's VoiceMAGA. A bulky, red-eyed, grey-haired, multi-black-shirted field marshal for MAGA wars records his vitriol in the basement of a fancy Capitol Hill town house piled with books on politics and conspiracies, topped with the 900-page Nazi handbook Project 2025. His rhetoric, writes Tim Murphy, is "what an AI would talk like if you trained it on Newt Gingrich and back issues of Soldier of Fortune," an overblown mishmash of grim pretension - "The pre-kinetic part of the Third World War is happening," the 2024 election means “victory or death”.- racist paranoia - everything is the fault of either Chinese Communists or George Soros - 19th-century imperialism - Iranians are "Persians," the West Bank is "Judea and Samaria" - and rabid bloodlust - Anthony Fauci should be beheaded.

Aptly for a movement run by grifters, the War Room is also, Murphy notes, "a frenzied on-air marketplace, where people, agendas and products (are) relentlessly pitched." Mike Lindell sold socks with his pillows. Mercenary ghoul Erik Prince sold phones for those paranoid about surveillance: "10,000 just arrived!" Thanks to commie Chinese plots, Bannon posits "there’s something seriously, seriously wrong (with) the supply chain'" on medicine and drugs, so he stocks up on antibiotics, supplements, also coffee. "The reason I'm on fire is Warpath coffee," he told his faithful "posse," along with "SacredHumanHealth.com for the grass-feed beef liver, the greatest concentration of nutrients known to man." The Nietzschean will to power drives assertions like, "Your confidence has created a reality and that confidence, that optimism, that subjective reality, you’ve made an objective reality." Dude. Plugged supply chains or no, maybe chill on the speed?

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The day's biggest Irony Alert: Inmate Number 05635-509, an unrepentant blowhard who just won't shut up, who brags nothing can shut him up though he's going to prison because he was too scared to talk under oath and will now have only fellow inmates to spout his white nationalist gibberish to, who's been making the rounds to mainstream media he supposedly despises to proclaim, "I'm proud of going to prison, I have (no) regrets, I've served my country/dedicated my life to this, I'm a political prisoner, I'm at war with the ruling class" - this scumbag theatrically arrived at his glorious destination Monday eager to make more martyred declarations only to be promptly, unceremoniously, ingloriously drowned out by gleeful, smirking non-believers led by "ruckus royalty Anarchy Princess" whooping, shouting, clanging cowbells, banging noisemakers, and disrespectfully chanting "Lock Him Up!" so loud nobody could hear his lofty oratory. Dude. Bummer.

In his hour of need, Bannon was accompanied by loyal fan-girl Marjorie Taylor Greene - "I see Stevie brought his pony with him - give her an apple and (she'll) follow you anywhere" - who was met with the Jasmine-Crockett-inspired sign, “Bleach-Blonde, Bad-Built Butch Body.” The ever-outraged MTG has called Bannon’s conviction "a disgrace to our country and an affront to the principles of justice it was founded upon," though it's unclear why she thinks prosecuting someone for violating the law is an affront to our principles of justice. It's also unclear what her alleged constituents think of the fact she's evidently never in their state, or why - see racket made by aforementioned cowbells - she was nonsensically screeching, "Where are the Democrats?! Where are they?!" While Bannon does his time, both Greene and frenemy Lauren 'Groping-while-Vaping' Boebert will reportedly be among War Room guest hosts, so let the good idiot times roll on.

Relishing the unfolding spectacle of the new movie, "MAGA: One Incarceration At A Time," observers entertained themselves by making up new titles: "The Turd Man Of Alcatraz, The Man In The Un-Ironed Mask, Cruel Hand Fluke." Many had questions: "Is he LOCK HIM UPPED yet? Will that greasy sack of meat sweat learn to make toilet wine before the DTs get him? Do they get to shave his hair to prevent lice? If you remove the lice and cockroaches, is there anything left? Will they let him wear three jumpsuits?" Given Bannon's boast the "MAGA army" won’t "stop until final victory," some wondered if they'd swooped in yet to rescue him. Rumors swirled: "MEAL Team Six tried, but they were kicked out of their Denny's meeting place." A common sentiment amidst the furor: "Shut up and go to prison already. I don’t want to see him go to prison. I don’t want to see him at all." Also, "It’s nice to know he’ll be there for a bit, though."

In his final interviews, Bannon was defiant. He said it's "impossible” for Biden to win the election, so there's "no way" he or his "army" would accept his re-election. What he expects from the next few months: "A Trump victory." Fans shouldn't write him letters he won't read, because he's "going to be working" - on his prison job and "total and complete victory." Ranged against the cowbells, he grew largely, mercifully indecipherable. But at one point you can just hear him smugly name the last brave soul to face a prison sentence on a Congressional contempt charge: Ring Lardner Jr., the 1940s leftist screenwriter and member of the blacklisted Hollywood Ten who did almost a year at Danbury before going on to an illustrious career that included the anti-war M*A*S*H. Asked by HUAC if he was a member of the Communist Party, Lardner famously replied, "I could answer it, but if I did, I would hate myself in the morning." Shame on Bannon, if he had any, for the comparison. Amidst his MAGA hubris and certainty, a bit of self-hate would be a start.