My partner is a lying cheat who won’t change but I still want him
DEAR DEIDRE: Discovering my partner had cheated on me while I was pregnant three years ago was crushing.
I’ve tried hard to put it behind me but whenever I feel unsure or we argue, my mind returns to that infidelity.
He says the unstable state of our relationship is my fault and that I’ll never let it go.
I’m 29 and my partner’s 31. We’ve been together for four years.
I was overjoyed when I became pregnant. I thought he felt the same.
But then I noticed he was increasingly secretive with his phone.
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Instead of reassuring me when I questioned his whereabouts too, he became really short-tempered.
Being heavily pregnant at the time I felt really vulnerable.
I took a quick look at his emails when he went out for a cigarette and
I couldn’t believe the sexy messages between him and another woman.
I tried to forgive him for the sake of our son but he regularly accuses me of being weak when I ask for reassurance. He has never apologised for straying.
Eventually, I moved out of our family home as the arguments were breaking us.
Having space made me see that I am with a narcissist.
I can now see through the manipulation, but I can’t change his behaviour.
We’ve stayed together but he recently left me after I asked if he was committed to rebuilding our relationship.
Two weeks passed before he sent a text claiming he wants me and our family.
I want him so badly but how do I carry on when he doesn’t take responsibility for his actions. Do narcissists ever change?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: You gave your partner a second chance and he hasn’t proved worthy.
A narcissist blows hot and cold, one minute declaring their love, then becoming distant the next.
Don’t take him back unless he commits to therapy so he can start to understand how his behaviour impacts on you.
My support pack Can’t Be Faithful explains more.
If he won’t seek help, or show he wants to change, as hard as it will be initially, you’ll be happier and more secure if you start to plan for separate lives.
He has a financial responsibility for his child. For more guidance, go to gov.uk/child-maintenance-service.