From Founding Fathers Kermit and Gandalf to Mugshot $2 Bills: Make Crass Stupidity Embarrassing Again

Amidst Democrats' chaos, some perspective for a relative universe. Veering ever further out there, GOPers are declaring "some folks need killing," clamoring for Christian nationalism, contriving more Biden "crime family" villainy, being 2 for 8 on who signed our Declaration of Independence and, from their huckster "leader," hawking "History Made!" mugshot $2 bills. Because Nazis, sleazebags, hacks, thugs, soulless partisans and ahistorical morons are today's GOP. Have we bottomed out yet (please)?

It's unclear why MAGA-ites have grown increasingly unshy about letting their freak authoritarian flags fly. Perhaps they've been emboldened by the spectacle of squabbling Democrats forming a time-honored circular firing squad, or a Fourth of July marked by fascist-friendly rulings, or a Heritage Foundation media tour giddly trumpeting a second "revolution against "godless" elites, or a boiling planet that matches their fiery fever-dreams. Whatever. Notes one sage, "They’re saying the quiet part so loud now it just woke up the puppy Kristi Noem murdered." At a church "God and Country Sunday," North Carolina's far-right Lt. Gov. Mark Robinson and GOP nominee for governor called for the extrajudicial killing of enemies of Christian America "who have evil intent," aka "wicked people doing wicked things, torturing and murdering and raping" for "the tenets of socialism and communism." Comparing leftists to Nazis in World War ll, he suggested it's "time to call our those guys in green (or) those boys in blue and have them go handle it." “Some folks need killing," he said. "It’s a matter of necessity!"

On Monday, Missouri's creepy, manly, election-denying Sen. Josh 'Run Away!' Hawley, who has argued before the Supreme Court for a ban on the popular abortion pill mifepristone, similarly told a National Conservatism conference we should ban Pride flags and "inscribe on every public building our motto, 'In God We Trust.'" Having earlier claimed, "America as we know it cannot survive without biblical Christianity," Hawley touted the virtues of “Augustine’s Christian nationalism," which has been "the boast of the West...our moral center" vs. lesser forms of nationalism: "The nationalism of Rome led to blood-thirst and conquest...the empires of the East crushed the individual, and the blood-and-soil nativism of Europe (led) to savagery and genocide." "Christian nationalism founded American democracy," he boasted. "Some will say now that I am calling America a Christian Nation. And so I am. And some will say that I am advocating Christian Nationalism. And so I do...Is there any other kind worth having?" More wit and wisdom from social media: "Some would say that is against the Constitution! And they would be right!"

Perhaps not having yet gotten the it's-okay-to-be-a-straight-up-fascist memo, some GOPers are still playing it a bit coy. Marco Rubio, confronted with the Heritage Foundation's dystopian Project 2025 plans, punted with, "Think tanks do think-tank stuff" and they have "a lot of different projects," presumably some focused on jackboots and armbands. House Conspiracy Committee Chair James Comer is again "just asking" when he demands an interview with the White House doctor - not pill-popping-and-distributing Ronny Jackson, aka Johnson, to be clear - who described Biden as healthy and "fit to successfully execute (his) duties" because what about that $200,000 "loan repayment" from Biden's brother? Still, it was no biggie when Trump-appointed Alaska Judge Joshua Kindred routinely rated women based on their "fuckability," sexually harassed and preyed on multiple law clerks, belittled or ostracized them when they complained, and lied about it all to investigators who nonetheless finally caught up with him and forced him to resign, even though nobody's yet gotten his pussy-grabbing role model to.

At least the judge showed up for work. As Hurricane Beryl slammed Texas with 90-mph-winds and massive floods that knocked out power to over 2.5 million sweltering residents and killed at least 11, the state's GOP "leaders" were nowhere in sight (though World Central Kitchen was there.) Gov. Greg Abbott was inexplicably on a business-boosting trip to Korea and Taiwan; when he posted about a Seoul meeting, constituents suggested, “Maybe now isn’t the best time to brag about how awesome your trinop is." And, taking "You-Can't-Make-Up-This-Shit for $500, Alex," Ted Cruz, who famously ditched the state and his dog during a historic 2021 winter storm and cold snap that killed 246 people to vacation in Cancun, Mexico, was whale-watching in California. He did, however, share a post from local businessman Mattress Mack offering to help people stranded by the storm, declaring, "Mack is an American hero." Unlike, you know. Happily, Cruz may get ousted by Dem Rep. Colin Allred. Finally. "Instead of warnings," notes one disgruntled resident, "Texas sends out a text whenever Ted heads for the airport."

Still, for ineptness nobody beats Klan mother of them all Marjorie Taylor Greene, who marked the Fourth by gushing, "The average age of the signers of the Declaration of Independence (was) 44 years old, but more than a dozen were 35 or younger." Then she listed eight signers - and their ages - getting six wrong. Exasperated readers added "the greatest community note in history": "Madison, Hamilton, Monroe, Burr, Revere and Washington were not signers." She got right only Thomas Jefferson, who wrote it, and John Hancock, the first to sign. "Stay in school," people urged. One presented a bag of hammers challenging her to a debate; one noted she'd fail both 5th grade history and the test immigrants take to become citizens. Many wondered how she forgot all the historic others: Ronald Reagan, Karl Marx, Col. Sanders, Johnny Appleseed, Kermit the Frog, 2, Karl Marx, - 42, Gandalf, 1,892, Elvis Presley, "8 pb banana & bacon sandos," and possibly one dinosaur, all there at Valley Forge International Airport. "I know this is crazy, but hear me out," wrote Kevin Baum. "Maybe we shouldn't elect morons to Congress."

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Or, duh, to the presidency. That goes for Robert F. Kennedy Jr., who's beyond moronic but just made a point of declaring he doesn't eat dogs or people after a Vanity Fair story claimed he did (dog, anyway); he didn't deny their allegation he sexually assaulted a former nanny, noting "I'm not a church boy" and he has "many skeletons in my closet.” In this he has much in common with Trump, who with his latest business venture again proves "no bar is too low for this sorry-ass grifter." For months, he's been fundraising off the four indictments stemming from his lifelong crime spree, notably using the inglorious mugshot at his Georgia arraignment to hawk mugs, t-shirts, beer koozies, trading cards "just in time for Christmas!" - and if you bought all 47 for $4,600, you got a piece of the suit he was (allegedly) wearing when his mug was shot. (See no bar too low). From these implausibly trashy schemes he's reportedly raised $45 million, almost enough to cover his $50 million in legal fees and enough to prompt his team to threaten 3rd-party "scammers" selling shot glasses and throw pillows they'll "COME AFTER YOU."

Last week, seeking Black votes, some of his house slaves hosted a "Black American Business Leader Roundtable" at Rocky's Barbershop in Atlanta. It consisted of a handful of uneasy-looking black businessmen, vastly outnumbered by reporters, sitting around as he called in to boast about his "amazing" mugshot making him so many new Black friends: "The mug shot is the best ev - it just beat Elvis Presley and Frank Sinatra by a lot. That’s the No. 1 mug shot of all time. It’s really an amazing thing. Since it happened, Black support has gone through the roof...I guess they equate it to problems they’ve had." Black critics say this deeply racist, stupid narrative, echoed by the clueless likes of Jesse Waters arguing that people "on the street" now see Trump as "a martyr...persecuted by the man," has been created "out of thin air." It also has a spoiler alert: Experts say that, due to complex copyright laws, neither Trump nor his campaign have legal rights to the mugshot. But hey, since when has that stopped them from grifting the shit out of....anything.

Including, in an ad on Fox Business, a mugshot-themed, full-colored, commemorative $2 bill to mark when "Donald J. Trump makes history once again by becoming the first former president (to) be criminally indicted!" Cue Nazi marching music, his "famous signature," inmate number - PO 1135809 - and vow to "Never Surrender" even though he's surrendering, albeit with "furrowed brow and a determined gaze...ready to fight." "History in the making" comes with a certificate of authenticity in a "collector's portfolio," aka envelope, even though it's illegal to reproduce money. Sigh. "When in the Course of human events," Jefferson wrote of a moment in history calling for change. On Tuesday, the House GOP passed a Refrigerator Freedom Act and a Stop Unaffordable Dishwasher Standards (SUDS) Act to ban federal energy efficiency standards to slow the burning of the planet; Katie Porter cited the $2 to $4 monthly cost of running a dishwasher to tell idiot GOP colleagues, "This (is) Congress at its worst." Meanwhile the $2 bill, originally $39, is on sale for just $19.99. "'Don't delay!" shrieks the ad. "You can avoid disappointment and future regret!" Too late.