[DASH OF SAS] Your privilege won’t protect you

Your privilege will not protect you. Not if you are a woman who wants to leave her husband. Your reason for leaving him is irrelevant. He could be beating you to within an inch of your life. He could be shamelessly indulging in the affections of other women, a different one to fulfill his every sexual need and fantasy. The severity of his neglect could make you feel as if you do not exist. It does not matter.  You are the wife. You are never supposed to leave. Even if leaving is the only thing that will save you. 

Your vow of marriage binds you. Only death can separate you. Both of you made this vow but you are the wife. You are expected, required, and divinely bound to uphold this vow. And protect it. And defend it. You are the wife. You are supposed to endure. There is supposed valor in your suffering. There is promised redemption to be found in your torment.

Your privilege will not protect you. Underneath whatever privilege you may have, you are just the wife to be judged. Scorned. Condemned. 

Just ask the celebrity and TV show host. She alleged that her husband was unfaithful and would have violent outbursts. He spent most of his time and money on his friends. He fled to another country, abandoning her and all his financial and emotional obligations to their family. The evidence she presented in Court was deemed “self-serving” and “insufficient to prove infidelity” and therefore, could not justify annulment based on psychological incapacity. 

The law says that physical violence and infidelity are not sufficient grounds for severing a marriage, the sanctity of which is protected from “dissolution at the whim of the parties”. 

The law mirrors the teachings of the Church which says “what God hath joined together let no man put asunder.” That should read no woman. Because the man can do anything he wants.

Just ask the celebrity model and influencer. The lurid details of their separation were made public and so was her humiliation. He reportedly had the electricity cut off at her residence and attempted to have it padlocked. He charged her with the crime of adultery and she was served an arrest warrant. 

She countered by making the same allegations against him and exposed photos of his unfaithfulness. It did not matter. Only a woman and her lover can be charged with adultery. A man can be only charged with concubinage, a crime that is nearly impossible to prove because of the conditions attached to it. The husband can only be charged with concubinage if he keeps a mistress in the conjugal home, lives with her, or has sex with her under scandalous circumstances. His posts of photos about the newfound joy of again being a father in his 40s are liked and congratulated.

Your privilege will not protect you. Neither will any political power or position you might have. Just ask the actress who married into a political family. She waited 13 years before getting an annulment that finally set her free. Thirteen years. Her wait was longer than their marriage. Her husband, estranged but still married to her on paper, went on to have children with another woman. The prerogative, the choice to move on with life is reserved for the man. He is shielded from the punishing gossip, innuendo, and malicious side comments. It is the wife who has to live with a surname that she no longer wants to call her own. It is the wife whose life must be put on hold even when he can go on with this. 

Banning divorce legitimizes violence against women. Outlawing divorce and imposing the sadistic process of annulment endorses societal judgment and sanctions everyday cruelty against women. 

In the eyes of the Holy Trinity: the law, the Church, and society, you are not equal. You are man and wife. You are the wife and you are never supposed to leave. – Rappler.com

Ana P. Santos is an investigative journalist who writes about the intersections of gender, sexuality, and migrant rights. She has a postgraduate degree in Gender (Sexuality) from the London School of Economics and Political Science as a Chevening scholar. DASH of SAS is a spin off of her the Rappler video series, Sex and Sensibilities (SAS).  Follow her on Instagram