House of the Dragon Scorecard: Burn Notice

The House of the Dragon Scorecard is an accounting of the events of this week’s episode, in which points are awarded to characters on a scale of 0 to 10. Points will be awarded for any or no reason.

Every week can’t be a dragon fight. There has to be a buildup and an aftermath. That’s what makes the dragon fights so fun, the path to each that culminates in fire and screeching. Well, we are back on that path now. We are back to the politics and scheming, the council meetings and the sneaking around. There is still some screeching, though. Mostly from me during those shots that lingered on Aegon’s seeping wounds. Blech.

Oh, right. Aegon is alive. Kind of. Aegon is kind of alive. He survived his dragon-burn wounds, making him, as far as I can tell, the only person to survive the head-on dragon attack that took place last week. He’s in bad shape, though. Bad enough that Aemond is able to slither his way into a temporary spot in charge with the help of the council. Alicent, as usual, is not feeling too great about it all. We’ll get to that soon enough.

Elsewhere in the realm: Daemon is stomping around Harrenhal pretending to be the little tyrant he is in his dreams, when the dreams are not … disturbing; Rhaenyra and Jacaerys might be on the hunt for dragon riders; everyone is sad about Rhaenys; and Baela continues her steady ascent in our season totals by being the coolest.

Time to give out points.

Rhaenyra Targaryen: 6.5 points

Her most trusted adviser and fiercest warrior was just killed in battle by the same creep who murdered her son. Her uncle-husband is off in a leaky castle cosplaying as the big strong man he wants everyone to think he is. Her council is still yapping at her, and her most powerful allies are moping and staring off into the middle distance. All she wants to do is get on her dragon and go avenge the, uh, many things she could focus on avenging, none of which she can avenge personally because she is too important to lose in battle and we all saw what happened to Aegon when he made a frustration-fueled flight into a fight he should not have been at. Am I implying that I think Daemon might, if given the opportunity, blast his wife and her dragon out of the sky the same way Aemond did to his own brother? Hmmm. Maybe I am. Also, yes. Yes, I am implying that.

But.

BUT.

Did you see the little twinkle in her eye at the very end? The one when my sweet boy Jacaerys suggests they recruit other people with Targaryen blood to try to fly the unclaimed dragons in war? The one that accompanies her saying, “It’s a mad thought,” in the same tone a police chief in an action movie uses when he says, “That’s crazy … but maybe just crazy enough to work,” to his loose-cannon detective who doesn’t play by the rules but gets results, dammit?

We appear to be screaming toward a situation that can best be described as “randos on dragons.” I have never been more excited for anything in my entire life. I hope we get a full-on music montage of people learning how to fly dragons. I will come to the set and direct it if I have to.

Alicent Hightower: 3 points

Alicent is going to explode soon. I don’t see any way around it. She’s just had too much taken from her recently, both in the literal sense (family members killed and cast off, authority stripped away, etc.) and the more figurative one (both her secret boyfriend and the man whose presence in the inner circle her feet made possible vote against her in favor of the evil son she rightfully suspects of trying to murder her idiot son).

In fact, I’m surprised it didn’t happen already. I was sure it was headed there in the scene where we heard her breathing and heartbeat over the muffled voices of the men who shut her down. There is very little that could have surprised me in that moment. I would have accepted anything from “shouting her suspicions about Aemond” to “clobbering Criston with one of those giant marbles sitting on the table” to “the vein bulging inside her eye exploding and shooting her brain matter into her wine.”

She’s a time bomb now. Tick … tick … tick …

Aemond Targaryen: 0 points

I respect that this show has abandoned subtlety. I mean that honestly. Last week, there was a shot of Mysaria literally sneaking around in the shadows while other people were talking. This week, Aemond is just standing there staring at the Iron Throne as ominous thunder echoes through the castle. As if the whole “ambushed and cooked his own brother as a result of a long-simmering lust for power and anger at the world” didn’t drive home his dangerous ambition efficiently enough.

Subtext is overrated sometimes. Gimme that text, baby.

Aegon Targaryen: 3 points

ON ONE HAND: I did not need multiple shots of oozing wounds and melted skin and exposed bones cracking into and/or out of place. That was, to use a technical term in television criticism, puke city.

ON THE OTHER HAND: Against odds so long you could wrap them around Daemon’s ego, I actually kind of feel bad for this dweeb. Dammit. I had been trying so hard to avoid this. But then there I was, watching Alicent hover over him with grief and guilt in her eyes and then walking just out of earshot as he muttered for her, praying that he wakes up next week and tells the world what Aemond did and sentences him to death.

It won’t happen. I know that. And I need Aemond to live long enough to have a conversation with Daemon where they sit there and smirk at each and one or both of them says, “We’re not so different, you and I.” But still.

Daemon Targaryen: 0 points

THERAPIST: Okay, where do you want to start this week?

DAEMON: It was a mixed couple of days.

THERAPIST: How so?

DAEMON: Well, I set a plan in motion to acquire a larger army, and it seemed like it worked, but I guess people are mad about it now.

THERAPIST: And why are they mad?

DAEMON: I don’t know. They said something about how my forces killed women and children and burned down their village and how I’m not really the king and then one lady looked like she wanted to spit on me.

THERAPIST: …

DAEMON: Yeah, they’re being stupid.

THERAPIST: Daemon, I think we need t—

DAEMON: Oh, and I had another vision.

THERAPIST: Let’s stay with these angry people. You do understand why—

DAEMON: I was having sex with my mother — really giving it to her — while she told me how much cooler I am than my brother.

THERAPIST: [sighs, flips over to a clean page in her notebook]

Baela Targaryen: 9 points

Baela rules. She’s kind of like if a Beyoncé song were a character on a television show. I hope she and Jacaerys have a dozen kids with her personality and his little mop of hair. Some of them can be blonde. This is the only hope for the realm.

Rhaena Targaryen: 5 points

Shows up with dragons and then gets berated by her host because the dragons are not big enough. This is rude behavior by the host on a number of levels. I mean, imagine if you knew your friend was home alone and had nothing to eat for dinner and you rang their doorbell at six-ish with a bag of cheeseburgers in your hand and they peeked inside and said, “Hmmm, a steak would have been nice.” Think about how annoyed you’d be.

Now imagine that on top of that, your older sister is a widely beloved badass who rides a dragon named Moondancer and everyone is always saying what a shame it is you’re not as awesome as she is. You would be within your rights to scream and heave that bag of cheeseburgers right into the wall. I have admittedly mixed my metaphors here — I blame Hugh for referring to Meleys’s carcass as “just meat” — but I think you see what I’m getting at.

Criston Cole: 2 points

I am giving him two points because:

• This appears to be the first time he realizes how hopelessly out of his depth he is, and, while the rest of us got there a long time ago, it marks the first moment of self-reflection we’ve ever seen cross his empty, handsome head.

• I gave him -500 points last week, and it’s really funny to me to picture him trying to dig himself out of that hole with one of those tiny plastic shovels little kids play with at the beach.

I hope Alicent hits him with a melon.

Corlys Velaryon: 1 point

He’s very sad about Rhaenys. Which I get. I am sad, too. Rhaenys was cool. But he’s going to need to get it together. This is part of the deal when you have a badass nickname like “the Sea Snake.” There’s a burden of responsibility there. I think the pep talk from Baela will get him there, though.

I, on the other hand, will keep being sad about Rhaenys. I do not have the burden he has. I’m not the Lord of the Tides. I’m not even the Lord of the Creek Across the Street. There are geese there sometimes. Those suckers are mean. I’ll stay over here, that’s their creek.

Jacaerys Velaryon: 7 points

I am still thinking about that music montage I mentioned earlier. I think Jacaerys should be the one training the new dragon riders. I need at least two shots of goofballs trying to mount a dragon and falling off while Jacaerys shakes his head like, Oh, brother. What have I gotten myself into? Kind of like if Gene Hackman’s character in The Replacements had Timothée Chalamet’s cheekbones.

This is a reasonable request.

Helaena Targaryen: 5 points

Helaena is good at lurking. This is a useful skill on this show. Something to monitor.

Mysaria: 8 points

A few things here:

• Mysaria is now my favorite character.

• I love that everyone is rounding up dragons and soldiers and she’s like, “I will fight the battle of hot gossip.”

• I cannot wait to see Daemon’s stupid face when he comes home and realizes the wife whose throne he is trying to wriggle onto is now best friends with the former lover he tried to imprison and ruin. That’s going to be fun.

The Ratcatcher’s Dog: 5 points

If this show is going to insist on giving us periodic shots of this fuzzy little guy following the corpse of his scoundrel owner, I am going to need a happy ending for him. I do not care how it happens, but it does have to happen. Let him sneak onto a ship and sail off to safety. Let Alyn adopt him. Have him bite Criston in the groin. I can be flexible here.

But only to a point.

Hugh the Scorpion Maker: 5 points

Next steps here are simple:

(1) Hugh gets angry about getting stiffed for his scorpions.
(2) Hugh takes action by shooting Aemond and Vhagar out of the sky.
(3) Aegon, now recovering and grateful, apologizes and pays him double.
(4) Hugh adopts the Ratcatcher’s dog and names it Scorpion.
(5) The presence of the dog helps Hugh’s child on the path to recovery.
(6) They buy a boat and sail to Tahiti.
(7) Hugh opens a beach bar that serves umbrella drinks. “Kokomo” plays as we fade to black.

And then that’s just the end of the show. Unexpected series finale with a happy beach ending, books be damned. God, people would be so mad. I might never stop laughing.

Alys the Witch: 7 points

I love her. Just popping up here and there to feed Daemon potions and bandage his wounds while mocking him. Part of me hopes she’s not even real. If she’s just one of his visions, and they turn out to be an ongoing thing, there’s a chance she can keep showing up periodically to ruin his day wherever he goes. That would be great. For me. Less so for Daemon.

Simon Strong: 4 points

Please take a few minutes this week and picture an episode of an HGTV show where an upbeat host pops up unannounced to renovate Harrenhal and Simon has to give a tour explaining every structural problem in the castle. Take an hour to picture it if you want. It’s really a blast. You deserve it.

Season Totals

Mysaria: 36
Rhaenys Targaryen: 32.5
Baela Targaryen: 31
Jacaerys Velaryon: 30
Rhaenyra Targaryen: 29.5
Helaena Targaryen: 23
Larys Strong: 22
Corlys Velaryon: 21
Hugh the Scorpion Maker: 21
Alicent Hightower: 20
The Ratcatcher’s Dog: 20
Sylvi: 18
Simon Strong: 16
Alyn: 15
Alys the Witch: 15
Rhaena Targaryen: 8
Oscar Tully: 7
Aegon Targaryen: 7
Erryk Cargyll: 6
Arryk Cargyll: 6
Ulf: 6
Otto Hightower: 4
Aemond Targaryen: 4
Gwayne Hightower: 4
Various Ratcatcher Assassins: 0
Daemon Targaryen: 0
Criston Cole: -489