Why We Stay in Jobs We Love to Hate

Humans have an innate need to love. Including at work, writes Dr. Gary McClain.

In the discussions I have with my clients regarding their feelings about their jobs, a range of factors have emerged that have a direct influence on how we feel about the places we work. Factors that lead to hating one’s job include bad managers, overwork, boredom, stress, lack of balance, difficult co-workers, office politics, lack of adequate compensation, lack of growth—the list goes on.

On the other hand, if at least some of these factors have checkmarks in the positive column, the result may provide enough justification to rationalize staying in place,  but not enough to overcome the feeling of stuck-ness. The love word emerges often, love for co-workers, love for the manager, maybe even love for the free gourmet lunches.

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As I have these conversations, I am often reminded of a quote from Sigmund Freud: “Love and work are the cornerstones of humanness.”  Work is essentially transactional: You do your job, you demonstrate your productivity, you contribute to the organization’s mission, and you get paid. Love, on the other hand, is experienced it in various forms, and we are wired as humans to seek love. But matters of the heart are anything but transactional. 

Here’s where it gets complicated: Humans have an innate need to love or, as I often say, to have their love button pushed. Including at work. So love and work can become intertwined in ways that may not be emotionally healthy. 

Why this internal love-hate conflict? For one, we humans have a fear of the unknown. The expression, “the devil you know” comes to mind. We look to emotional connection ( love) as a means of providing stability and certainty to our lives. Emotional connection with one’s leader or co-workers, or other creature comfort benefits, may be just enough to prevent running for the exits. Fear of uncertainty is also expressed as denial in the form of optimism that things have to get better so let’s stick it out. You love me, so you can’t leave me. I love you, so I can’t leave you.

The risk of staying stuck in a love-hate job, without coming to some form of internal resolution or moving on, is sitting with a lot of uncomfortable feelings. Resentment. Anger. Inertia. Setting oneself up for failure. As intensely as we can love, we can also hate as intensely. Sitting with love and hate in competition with each other can leave us immobilized. 

Can’t I get some closure?

As I talk with my clients about their love-hate relationships with their jobs, they often talk about wanting some kind of closure in the form of finally saying what they need to say, finally being fed up enough to walk, finally being treated the way they deserve. Finally.

Closure comes with risks. When you tell another person how you feel about the way they have treated you, they may give you the closure you are hoping for. They may agree with you, ask you how they can rectify things between you. Instant reset! Or they may not agree with you and point out what they see as your failures. Or they may gaslight you, and tell you everything if fine and aren’t you being a little bit dramatic? They may even tell you it’s time for the two of you to part ways.

Read More: Why People Really Quit Their Jobs—and How Employers Can Stop It

Wanting closure is a human need. We are not wired for uncertainty, and we don’t like sitting with uncomfortable feelings and loose ends in communication. Wanting closure but also fearing it keeps us stuck in bad relationships of all kinds, including our relationships with our workplace.

Fear of what closure might mean can result in continuing to stay stuck in a love-hate job. By the same token, waiting for that moment of perfect closure—Vindication! Revenge! Validation!—can perpetuate the cycle of frustration and discontent.

Love and work

To be honest, I often feel concerned when a client uses the love word in relation to their job.  I love my work. I love my company. I love my co-workers. I love my boss.

Our jobs often touch our love buttons. That is human nature. Receiving money can feel a lot like being loved. But when love enters the picture, our expectations for our jobs are ratcheted up in direct proportion. Is it really love? That endorphin rush we get when love is involved can in turn raise our expectations for what we should be giving and receiving from our jobs. 

Sure, it is only human to form connections with the people we work with. And hopefully to enjoy the work we do. Work satisfaction is validating, as are the relationships we form.  Humans need validation. And to equate being given interesting work, prestige, or great benefits with love. 

But is that really love?  It can sure feel like it. 

When work presses our love button, we risk having expectations that result in questions like: Don’t I deserve more? I’ve given everything here, don’t you care about me?  Aren’t I important to you? Don’t I deserve an explanation? Don’t you care about how I feel?

High expectations have consequences. As the expectations around love are ratcheted up, so is the potential for feeling hate when love feels unreturned or undeserved or otherwise thwarted.

This leads to the need for closure. And the cycle continues. That is, until you decide to ask yourself the really hard question: What’s really keeping me here?  And is it time to commit to staying or is it time to move on? 

The power of realistic expectations

At the end of the day, work is a transaction. You bring your skills to the organization. The organization pays you for your time and skills. Sure, providing a comfortable environment, a salary commensurate with your background and skills, policies that promote teamwork and positive interaction—all help to make the workday go more smoothly, and even with a measure of emotional satisfaction. Organizations benefit greatly when they promote the emotional wellness of their employees. And experience consequences when they don’t. 

But this isn’t love. It’s a social contract. For better or worse, that check at the end of each pay period defines the foundation of your relationship. It’s that simple.

This begs the question: are there options for getting unstuck? Absolutely. I encourage my clients to get specific with themselves on what they love and what they hate about their jobs. To define for themselves what keeps them there and what causes them unhappiness. And to consider their options. For example, can you make changes at work in terms of responsibilities or management? This might mean adding new challenges or moving to a different team. Or, is it time to consider taking the risk of moving to a new organization? And here’s another option: What would it mean to consider shifting your perspective on your job to focus on the upside, what your job brings to your life and what you appreciate about it?

Having realistic expectations is a key to satisfaction in life. As well as the key to finding successful closure when things don’t go as expected. Have realistic expectations about your workplace and your job. This is real empowerment.

From THE POWER OF CLOSURE by Gary McClain, PhD, published by TarcherPerigee, an imprint of Penguin Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House, LLC. Copyright © 2024 by Gary McClain.