RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars Recap: Well, That Stank!

This episode is impossible to recap since nothing happened, but let’s chat anyway.

I’m not going to do all of us the disservice of calling this “an episode” of RuPaul’s Drag Race. It’s had filler before — top four challenges where it was predetermined nobody was going home, skippable clip shows, live finales where the winner was obvious, etc. — but nothing like this. Nothing that purported to be a real episode of TV and then wasn’t. This was, to be perfectly honest, an insulting waste of an hour that I would prefer got given back to me. And what’s worse is that it made the rest of the season worse by extension. Then it didn’t even have the kindness to give us some good drag. Or, to be honest, any drag.

We begin the episode with the queens playing a game dealt to them by the pink furry box to raise more money for their charity. This was cute, but in the context of the episode, it felt like a time filler. For what it’s worth, it got them up to the seven-minute point. I can’t say I was bored, but I certainly was not interested in watching this.

Next came a mini-challenge that was actually a main challenge (do a makeover, but quick, on the production crew). This brought us 22 minutes into the episode for those keeping track. In Roxxxy’s original season, that would have been enough time to do an intro, a mini-challenge, the announcement of a main challenge, the preparation of a main challenge, and the filming of a main challenge. At least. What I’m saying: This was rather … uhhhh … padded.

Since, by virtue of it being the only drag in the episode, we’re forced to take this mini-challenge seriously: Mik’s bearded queen looked basically the best by virtue of her innately transformative makeup, putting Shannel’s wig on a hairdresser was mean, the Champion socks on Roxxxy’s dude were hilarious, Angeria’s guy’s bone structure would be amazing in drag if they gave her the time. Plastique got it easy, Nina’s girl was delightful, Vanjie could have found that girl a better fitting outfit, and Jorgeous’s boy (the one who was Sasha Colby’s kid) deserves a real makeover challenge. I didn’t care who won, but then it was announced that “everyone” won, and I got legitimately angry. If I’m picking, I say Nina. Her daughter was the most fun.

It is then announced that the Talent Show will give the winning girls three badges. This was a bad twist last season and a bad twist this season. It makes it so the entirety of the previous weeks’ challenges amounted to one result: Putting Roxxxy in the top three. No one else’s work matters at all. Plastique’s looks? Nobody cares. Jorgeous’s strategizing? Non-factor. Angeria’s blocking drama? Whatever. This season, already bland, largely amounts to one single challenge, but not because the stars shook out that way, because production wants it too. It’s infuriating. Why did I spend my time on this? And the worst part is the girls knew it would happen (Roxxxy literally calls it “the twist we knew was coming”), so why would they care about the season until now? Everything possible is built to disincentivize anyone caring about their challenge performances.

We are then treated to alternating scenes of girls rehearsing routines that we do not get to see and tic-tac lunches with Ru. These lunches are largely perfunctory. Sorry, I know some girls cry, but it all feels far too manufactured to affect me. They either need to lean out of the manufactured nature of vulnerability and potentially lose that drama, or do what they did on 16 — turn the need to be vulnerable into an interview challenge that the girls can compete in that shows why being fully honest is necessary. This just stinks. Ru, for what it’s worth, is terrible in these one-on-ones in a way she largely isn’t most of the time. She’s stilted and awkward and doesn’t really banter. It feels like someone a bit bored at work. Reasonable! Nobody can give their 100 percent all the time, but watching her be half in it while Plastique sobs is wildly off-putting.

Then, we get the final twist of the episode: The girls get to vote for one girl to have her badges doubled. For what it’s worth: Everyone should basically vote for Roxxxy. The only thing worse than you not getting it is one of your competitors getting it. Roxxxy is almost guaranteed a place in the top three (she could lose it if a girl with three badges gets her badges doubled, then Plastique and Jorgeous win the talent show, but that is an unlikely combo of events). Plastique votes for Roxxxy — she doesn’t say it’s strategic, but given that she is by far the best at strategy, I’d imagine it is. Nina also votes for Roxxxy, which she thinks is a strategic discarding of her vote. I think the funniest outcome for this season is if it ultimately goes to Roxxxy, and Nina’s throwaway vote gives it to her. Anyway, I am #TeamRoxxxy, for what it’s worth — it’s the only way the season I just watched matters.