Pentagon announces plan to eliminate joy
"Destroying happiness within our military is a good financial decision."
WASHINGTON — The Pentagon has given the green light to a new plan aimed at ridding the military of all joy, sources confirmed today. The decision comes following extensive research that showed sad people weighed .23 ounces less than happy individuals, with fuel savings from lighter soldiers estimated to save $327 over the next five years.
Gilbert Cisneros, the Under Secretary of Defense for Personnel and Readiness, told reporters that the plan will "make our force more lethal — to both ourselves and the enemy."
Under the Pentagon’s new plan, a superteam of miserable bitches named Task Force Leukemia will carry out the joy-killing initiative. The team includes the ghost of Ken Starr — the massive cock block from the 1990s — along with the doctor who says you're HIV positive. It will also include an E-8 whose wife was caught cheating on him with a man with a very small penis (which is worse since you can’t even act like it was for sexual pleasure. She just liked that guy, micropenis included), the 18th Amendment, and Senator Gary Peters.
"Destroying happiness within our military is a good financial decision," Starr said to reporters with the aid of an Ouija Board, "But not only for the fuel savings. The Veteran community in this country has, for some reason, swelled to unsustainable levels. Caring for those Vets is not cheap, and by the year 1983, we'll no longer be able to afford their care. So we needed a way to... take 'em out. We're doing this for the American taxpayer"
Still, the joy purge isn't just about balancing the budget. According to leaked documents on a Fortnite Discord server, classified studies suggest that individuals with even a smidgen of happiness may hesitate before charging into battle. So analysts conclude that a sad military increases the likelihood the beaches of Taiwan will be properly charged.
A few joy-removal methods were also revealed in the leaked documents. Some of the highlighted methods include burning poop in an open-air pond, longer deployments to the Sadness Factory (Poland), and increasing the role of the Command Sergeant Major in units.
The timeline for the initiative remains unclear, though a Pentagon spokesman did share that new policies would systematically reduce the standard joy level, while acute happiness would be dealt with by deploying "the fattest military police officers we could find."
