House of the Dragon Scorecard: Whispers and Sandwiches
This war’s most successful battle yet is won without a single dragon.
The House of the Dragon Scorecard is an accounting of the events of this week’s episode, in which points are awarded to characters on a scale of 0 to 10. Points will be awarded for any or no reason.
The people are not happy. That’s the biggest story here, probably, depending on where you rank various dragon-related cliffhangers, which we’ll get to soon enough. There are riots in the streets of King’s Landing, ones fueled by Mysaria’s gossip war, and a food shortage and rumors of royal feasts and boats filled with bread and produce showing up on the shore with Rhaenyra’s banner flying above them. It’s interesting that this marks the most successful strategy yet in the war and it was carried out without a single dragon. Just whispers and sandwiches. Let’s see if any of the power-hungry goons on the show learn anything from it. I bet they don’t!
Elsewhere in the realm: Daemon keeps having nightmares about family members he’s wronged; the plan to recruit dragon riders is having … mixed results; and we have a potential new power couple on our hands.
You have no clue how much restraint it took to go two full paragraphs without mentioning Hugh and the dog. I shouted a little. This will be reflected below through the use of many capital letters. But there is other business to get to first. Let’s hand out some points.
Rhaenyra Targaryen: 8 points
Rhaenyra is fed up, man. Fed up on a number of fronts, too, many of which have been bubbling for most of this season and/or most of her life. Her council is still back-talking her to her face. Daemon is off doing whatever Daemon wants to do, and she has no clue if any of that aligns with her interests, a situation made worse by her own son telling her she needs Daemon to save the day. She’s undermanned and underdragoned, and her plans to remedy the second thing are actually making the first thing worse. (RIP Ser Steffon.) And now there are loose dragons flying off and acquiring mysterious riders in the woods like rebellious teens.
This is why she’s out here slapping people in hallways. And carrying swords around. And stealing tender embraces and smooches with mysterious figures who also hate Daemon’s stupid face. And flying off on her dragon to figure out one goddamn thing for her goddamn self instead of relying on a bunch of brats and cranks who are going to mess it up or give her crap about it or mess it up and give her crap about it.
Is it the smartest move she’s made this season, launching herself into a vulnerable position out of rage and frustration and a feeling of helplessness? I mean, no. No, it is not. But do I get it? Yup.
Alicent Hightower: 2 points
Hey, speaking of royal ladies who aren’t doing great, let’s check in on Alicent:
➼ Her evil son fires her from the council.
➼ Her idiot son remains extremely wounded from a dragon attack she blames herself for goading him into.
➼ Her sad daughter is just kind of looking at birds a lot.
➼ She and her daughter get caught up in a riot and almost die before fleeing the scene in a rickety carriage.
➼ She’s asking her brother about the son she’s not raising herself and wondering if that son’s apparent kindness means her other sons being awful little demons is a result of her failure as a mother.
Aemond Targaryen: 0 points
Aemond is ruling pretty much exactly how you would expect him to be ruling. There’s cruelty and the settling of scores against real and perceived enemies and an arrogance that comes with a lifetime of assuming you’re smarter than everyone and would be happy to show them the instant you get a chance. Alicent calls him out on it pretty good, too, stroking his face and saying, “Have the indignities of your childhood not yet been sufficiently avenged?,” which is a very nice way of saying “Jesus Christ, dude, get over it already.” Moms will do that.
He has two other problems, too, neither of which are going to be solved easily:
(1) The people are rioting because they don’t have food and the “flood the streets with gossip and bread” plan Mysaria and Rhaenyra put into place is fanning the flames.
(2) Uh, no one likes him and he has no allies and his only confidant is a sex worker he just belittled in public.
I suspect his reign will not be a long one.
Aegon Targaryen: 1 point
Injured and sad and scared and geeked out on opiates, just a little boy who was in over his head the day he was born and never got above water to catch his breath for even 15 seconds.
I’m so mad that I feel bad for this little goon.
Daemon Targaryen: 0 points
THERAPIST: I feel like we should start with the visions this week after …
DAEMON: Oh, I’m not having the ones where I have sex with my mother anymore.
THERAPIST: Well, that’s g-
DAEMON: Now I’m having ones where my dead older brother shouts at me and I can’t get away.
THERAPIST: Oh.
DAEMON: But I am making progress, though.
THERAPIST: How so?
DAEMON: I’m starting to say the things in the visions that I should have said in real life. Acceptance, forgiveness, apologies, all of it. I’m feeling pretty good about it after I almost snapped and killed Simon in a fit of paranoia the other day.
THERAPIST: In a vision?
DAEMON: Oh no, that was real.
THERAPIST: Daemon, I d-
DAEMON: God, it feels good to feel good again. Did I tell you my one enemy is dead and I think the witch I like killed him?
THERAPIST: What?
DAEMON: Now all I have to do is finish my mission out here and I can head home to see if I can salvage things with my niece-wife.
THERAPIST: Didn’t you say you heard she visited your former lover, the one you had imprisoned?
DAEMON: [laughing] God, I would love to be a fly on the wall for those conversations. Those two probably hate each other!
Mysaria: 10 points
There were massive “JUST KISS ALREADY” vibes wafting off of Mysaria and Rhaenyra every time they were in a room together this week. Part of me wondered if I was reading it wrong at one point, especially at the very beginning of their tender hug. I thought maybe my radar was off a little and they were just two friends who started caring deeply for each other through shared struggles and the thrill of recent strategic successes and then yupppppppp smooch city. Good. I’m glad. Mostly I’m glad because I think Mysaria is the coolest — her gossip war and sandwich armada are proving to be the most successful schemes on this show by a factor of a zillion, especially after what feels like a half-dozen assassination attempts went sideways — but I’m also glad because I got to picture how mad Daemon will be when he comes home and discovers his former lovers are making out and making real progress in a war he’s been mucking up every step of the way.
I hope Rhaenyra and Mysaria do karaoke together next week.
Hugh the Scorpion Maker: 9 points
DID YOU SEE IT?
DID YOU SEE HUGH PET THE DOG?
ON THE STREET
BEFORE HE PUNCHED THE GUY OVER THE LOAF OF BREAD
HE WAS PETTING THE RATCATCHER’S DOG
THEY ARE FRIENDS NOW
THIS IS ALL I HAVE EVER WANTED
I CALLED IT
I FEEL SO POWERFUL
BRING THE DOG HOME, HUGH
HUGH
WE ARE SO CLOSE
The Ratcatcher’s Dog: 7 points
Gonna go ahead and type this here just to see if my powers are strong enough to make it happen through force of will …
I need the dog to claim one of the wild dragons. I need to see him in a little helmet on a dragon’s back. Notice I am not using the word “want” here. This is serious.
Larys Strong: 5 points
This is one of those situations where two things can be true at the same time. Yes, the speech Larys gave to Aegon about the struggles of having physical limitations and learning various ways to use them to your advantage was nice. I have a physical disability myself (spinal-cord injury, wheelchair, the whole deal), and I can attest that he made some good and correct points that were probably helpful for Aegon to hear at the lowest moment in his young life.
But this brings us to the other true thing, which is that Larys is a manipulative little snake who sure was not saying this at Aegon’s bedside before Aemond laughed at him in front of the council and stripped him of his influence. The vibe here is very much “Let me suck up to a different powerful person in case he recovers” as much if not more than it is “Let me help mentor this person whose struggle I relate to.”
In other words: good message, probably not the right messenger.
Criston Cole: 4 points
He made a little stink face at Aemond that made me laugh. Maybe the most useful thing he’s done all season. Four points seems fair.
Rhaena Targaryen: 7 points
If we are not headed toward a situation where Rhaena, the forgotten younger sister who was banished to care for toddlers and baby dragons while her older sister glides around on a dragon named Moondancer, starts riding the wild dragon she discovered out on her walk, I am going to be furious.
Corlys Velaryon: 6 points
I’m sure I should be focusing on Corlys making Alyn his first mate, but all I can think about is the scene where he was standing next to Rhaenyra’s council table as he was putting on his pin. That table is so cool, especially when it’s all lit up with candles like that. I want to get an exact replica and put it in my dining room. Just me and some friends eating, like, lo mein and stir-fry at this massive gnarled war table while the Phillies are on. That would be fun.
Jacaerys Velaryon: 2 points
Leave your mom alone, kid! She’s doing the best she can!
Helaena Targaryen: 3 points
Very few characters in the history of television have deserved a trip to a Six Flags amusement park more. Just give her a day pass and let her ride some roller coasters and eat a funnel cake. She can bring the birdcages if she wants.
Addam: 5 points
ON ONE HAND: It’s gonna be cool if/when we see Addam on Seasmoke, just because I enjoy the idea of Rhaenyra ripping through history books looking for suitable riders and then a dragon just stumbling into one in the woods.
ON THE OTHER HAND: This show has a long, long history with younger siblings not exactly handling power well after a lifetime of craving it and I will be heartbroken if Addam screws this up.
Alyn: 6 points
Ahhhhh, so the reason Alyn is bald is because he’s been shaving his head clean every day of his life to hide the blonde hair that would reveal him to be a secret Velaryon. Is that what’s happening here? Man, that’s kind of a bummer for Alyn. And a lot of work. I just want him to be happy.
Simon Strong: 6 points
I like that Simon’s entire role on this show right now is to jostle Daemon awake from his terrors and then get yelled at for things he didn’t do. He just wants to hang out in his leaky castle and have some dinner, man. He didn’t ask for all this. Cut Simon some slack.
Steffon Darklyn: 8 points
I can hear you sitting there right now looking at your screen and saying “How the hell do you give eight points to the guy whose entire contribution to the show was getting flambéed by a dragon and slitting his throat as he burned so he died in as little pain as possible?”
Well, consider this …
Pretty much every knight on this show is going to die violently at some point and “trying to ride a dragon” is about as cool of an exit as any of them can ask for. Real “go big or go home” energy from Ser Steffon. Or at least “go big or get burned alive and slit your own throat.” But that doesn’t have the same ring to it. You get what I mean.
Good for Ser Steffon. It didn’t work out but I respect him for trying.
Gwayne Hightower: 3 points
Gwayne was kind of cool and nice this week. It was weird. I don’t think I liked it. Let Freddie Fox cook.
Alys the Witch: 10 points
We learned three important things about Alys this week:
➼ She is real and not just a product of Daemon’s visions.
➼ She might have killed a Tully to help him.
➼ She can summon an owl and have it perch on her arm, which is just outrageously cool.
I love her. I want her to go to karaoke with Rhaenyra and Mysaria. I bet she would crush literally any Stevie Nicks song.
Season Totals
Mysaria: 46
Rhaenyra Targaryen: 37.5
Rhaenys Targaryen: 32.5
Jacaerys Velaryon: 32
Baela Targaryen: 31
Hugh the Scorpion Maker: 30
Larys Strong: 27
Corlys Velaryon: 27
The Ratcatcher’s Dog: 27
Helaena Targaryen: 26
Alys the Witch: 25
Alicent Hightower: 22
Simon Strong: 22
Alyn: 21
Sylvi: 18
Rhaena Targaryen: 15
Aegon Targaryen: 8
Stefon Darklyn: 8
Oscar Tully: 7
Gwayne Hightower: 7
Erryk Cargyll: 6
Arryk Cargyll: 6
Ulf: 6
Addam: 5
Otto Hightower: 4
Aemond Targaryen: 4
Various Ratcatcher Assassins: 0
Daemon Targaryen: 0
Criston Cole: -485