Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: The Burn Book

Over the past week, I didn’t once think, I wonder if the Mustique is gonna make it out of the dock okay. The boat is clearly not boxed in. A box has four sides, and it is blocked only on three. Ergo, not boxed in. The crew gets within a meter of the other boat’s lines, but Sandy’s a pro. She preemptively avoids a worse outcome by making Nathan her bow guy instead of Joe. Nathan talks to Gael about how he feels bad for Joe, but the conversation segues into a discussion of their own relationship. She says they’re mates, he says they’re colleagues. In an interview, Nathan explains that he is giving Gael space to “be respectful” but strategically doesn’t want to come on too strong. I hate that it seems like playing mind games could work for him.

Joe is still bummed about Sandy’s favoring Nathan, but even he acknowledges that, “on paper,” Nathan should be a lead deckhand. Um, it’s not just on paper, buddy. Sandy calls Joe to the bridge and he fears he’s in trouble again. Instead, she puts him at the helm while she goes to get a cup of coffee. It’s a nice moment to build his confidence. She’s not planning to demote him and reiterates that she trusts him. I do not trust Joe and so far haven’t quite seen what the hype is about him, but when he dove off the deck for water sports, I finally got it: A girl would fake drowning for someone to dive in for her like that.

When I saw this episode’s title was “Dirty Laundry,” I hoped we might learn some juicy gossip, though I assumed it was more likely Bri would lose track of the clothes again. And while she meticulously logs all the laundry items in a notebook, it’s not enough to avoid mistakes. Sandy shows Bri a pair of her white pants that aren’t white anymore because they must have been put in with dark colors. Bri promises she has been washing them separately and will continue to do so. This is all scene-setting for what appears to be a small, awkward moment in the laundry room between Bri and Ellie, but, like the laundry, it bleeds out into other things. Bri finds Ellie in the laundry room and attempts to dismiss her with a meek “I got washing.” She feels like Ellie messes with her (messy) system. Ellie needs something to do because Aesha doesn’t need help upstairs, so she’s going to help. There is a super-quick cut of Ellie — alone in the room — starting some stuff in the washer, and it looks like there are blues and whites together. I’m frantically pointing at the screen like that Leo DiCaprio meme. Then Ellie notices that Bri’s notebook has a list of mistakes, which she thinks are Bri’s mistakes that Bri is blaming on her. The list is not short, indicating that way more mistakes are being made than we have been shown. Yikes.

Aesha feels like she can’t keep doing everything, so she assigns Ellie to lead lunch service in order to take a break. Ellie gives Bri some tasks for service in a voice at least two octaves higher than normal. She’s either whispering because of the guests or taking Aesha’s warning about how they say things to each other too literally. Ellie then keeps radioing for Bri’s help with cocktail ingredients, so Bri doesn’t have time to set the table for lunch. Aesha’s hearing it all over the baby monitor — excuse me, radio — while she’s on break, and it’s stressing her out. Ten minutes before lunch, she gives up on the break and jumps in to help set the table. Ellie overoptimistically thinks they would have had it under control and is crushed she didn’t get the full chance to prove herself. I believe Aesha made the right call here, but watching her fail to relax was triggeringly relatable.

In the galley, Jono is stepping it up. He uses a Greek friend’s family recipe for lunch, which the guests love, even if they don’t all know the difference between shrimp and prawns. Thus far, there’s nothing whatsoever to note about these guests, so I won’t be learning their names until they do something interesting. Doing the worm on the carpet and a cartwheel on the floating dock is not enough to impress, babes.

The Mustique backs into a rocky port at Hydra, where Iain’s lack of attention to detail strikes again. He says there’s no one to catch the heaving lines, not noticing the two guys who are right there waiting. Sandy’s frustrated that Iain doesn’t always look before he speaks. He also thinks the guests will make a big jump from the floating dock to the rocks, but Gael suggests another configuration that will be easier for them. It’s still a bit of a challenge for them to climb up, almost justifying their athleisure for exploring town. Aesha goes with them, which I guess is an even bigger sign screaming “tourist” than any Lululemon or American accent. I’ll never understand why guests need chaperones for excursions like this: She offers nothing as a tour guide, even bullshitting about an old building. A little research wouldn’t hurt, right?

Later, Ellie tells Aesha about the awkward moment with Bri in the laundry room, officially making it a thing. The editors replay the scene along with her account, which highlights how she exaggerates and changes details. As they say, memory is a fickle thing, so I don’t know how much is truly malicious on Ellie’s part. I’m sure she feels like Bri stormed out, even if she herself was the one who left. Ellie also tells Aesha about the list of mistakes. Aesha plays Ellie’s story to her face but knows she’ll have to hear both sides. That night, Aesha goes to read the “burn book” and clocks it for what Bri intended it to be: receipts. Adding to the list of errors, Aesha notices cashmere in the dryer. She feels like things are getting out of control and is ready to involve the captain. We’ll have to wait to see who will get … hung out to dry. (I cannot resist a pun, I’m sorry!)

For dinner, it’s “sparkle night,” and the guests are all dressed to theme. It’s actually pretty cute, minus the disco-ball balls. Jono gets more creative with the plating, which is a little busy in my unsolicited opinion. But I’m happy he’s excited, and I admire the effort to match the theme for dessert. He serves poached pears with gold leaf. The guests ask if it’ll show up in their poop later, and of course Aesha overshares that she likes to send her boyfriend photos when she does a really big one. I’d like to imagine that’s exactly what the inventors of text messaging had in mind.

To further bring the sparkle, the interior crew asks Joe and Gael to do a dance. Given Below Deck’s typical entertainment standards, I’m amazed by what they throw together. They’re doing choreographed lifts! For the second time this episode, I’m getting what it is about Joe. Unfortunately, based on the preview, it looks as though he’ll soon be losing that goodwill. It has more heat than anything this week: Joe and Ellie making out in front of Bri, plus Sandy threatening to fire both stews! I can’t wait.

From the Galley

While Joe dreams about Bri having old-school retainers, there are a few things keeping me up at night:

• I need to retract my statements from last week about Gael’s boyfriend’s texts. I’ve long questioned if the show adds punctuation to them because no Gen Z’s or even millennials are texting that formally. At this point, I think they must be editing the grammar for clarity. That or we’re dealing with two sociopaths.

• Was Aesha singing “I’m gonna wet my pants” to the tune of Macklemore’s “Thrift Shop”? Is this fair use, or did it slip through standards? Do I just have brain rot from my regrettable time pledging a sorority where that song was played on loop for two hours straight?

• Why is Iain going to sleep in his full uniform, including a belt??