I hate my lover’s wife because she has given him the family I desperately want
DEAR DEIDRE: I hate my lover’s wife for giving him something I can’t – a family.
He’s been married for 17 years. He’s 39 and the manager of a pet food store. I’m 28 and the assistant manager.
From the get-go, we hit it off. He showed me the ropes and I enjoy the job.
We were stock-taking one night and that’s when he kissed me. It took all our self control not to have sex right there and then, but within days we were meeting outside of work for regular sex.
He has always said his marriage was dead in the water but he stayed with her for his four kids.
Our affair was so passionate that after three months he moved in with me. We are inseparable.
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He talks constantly about his children and I know he misses them. I’ve always made it very clear I’d support him seeing his children whenever he wanted.
I understand how important they are to him. So I was taken aback when one day I asked him about our future.
He stopped in his tracks and announced ‘I don’t want any more kids’.
I long to be a mum. We don’t always use contraception and I’d hoped that I would get pregnant easily but I keep getting my period.
His kids are upset he’s with me and his wife has said that despite our affair, she’d have him back in a heartbeat.
Yet, I can’t give up my dream of having children.
It’s the elephant in the room which neither of us wants to address. If I bring our relationship to a close because of this, he’ll go straight back to his wife. It won’t be for her but for his kids. I love him and want this to work.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Your relationship is in its infancy so talking babies may be too soon.
He’ll always have that pull to go back to his kids. If things were to work out, have you thought about being stepmum to four children?
There’s no compromise – if you can’t agree on starting a family then you have to manage your expectations.
If you get pregnant, you risk alienating him.
Leave it for another few weeks and then bring up the subject again. If your lover is determined that more children aren’t in his remit, then you’ll have to decide which is more important to you – him or a baby.
My support pack on counselling will help you to find emotional support while you work through this decision.