My life was destroyed when I found out I was conceived through rape

DEAR DEIDRE: Finding out I was conceived through rape has destroyed my life.

It feels like my whole existence is a lie, and I don’t know how to get over this.

I’m a 42-year-old man, and I always suspected the man who brought me up wasn’t my dad – but my mum denied it.

Although my parents didn’t mistreat me, I always felt a distance between us. I noticed they were less affectionate towards me than to my younger siblings.

I thought it was because of my personality. Perhaps I was harder to love.

Last week, my aunt – who was always very protective of me as a child – got very sick, and I went to visit her in hospital.

She said she felt I deserved to know the truth before she died. Then she told me my mum had been raped when she was a young woman and got pregnant with me.

Her then boyfriend, my ‘dad’, had agreed to bring me up as his.
Although it explains everything – why I never felt truly loved or that I fitted in – I am devastated.

I have so many questions, but feel I can’t ask my mother for fear of upsetting her.

I’m also terrified that I am in some way like my father.

I don’t even know how to begin to process this. Please help.

DEIDRE SAYS: This shocking revelation has not surprisingly left you reeling and struggling to cope.

It’s likely your family kept this a secret from you because they wanted to protect you. They may also have been trying to avoid re-traumatising your mother.

As a child conceived via rape, you are a victim too – as the new Victims and Prisoners Act 2024 recognises. It’s known as ‘Daisy’s Law’.
And you need support to deal with this.

Talking to counsellor would really help you work through your feelings and decide what you want to do next.
My support pack about this explains more.