The Adventures of Taking a Towel to the Beach

When I was a kid, the biggest beach towel was the size of a matchbox, and it was decorated with the faded 80s logo of some soft drink. It was also the thickness of a shrimp’s antenna, and its main use was to help you finish the day covered in sand. The towels slept in the beach bag from one year to the next, and no one cared at all about their existence, their appearance, or their functionality. After all, it was just a beach towel. (READ MORE: A Summer of Satire: Let It Go, Let It Go. Can’t Hold It Back Anymore!)

Today, the old beach towels no longer exist. They have been replaced by carpets, several meters long, which once extended, allow the bather to enter the beach, reach the shore, bathe, and return without having stepped foot on the sand. This aversion to sand proves that what most bathers want is a swimming pool with a view of the beach.

Measurements and Shapes

In most stores you can get beach towels in two sizes: one fits 16 Pau Gasols in a row, and the other covers the whole beach. The other day a fat guy next to me on the beach started shaking it out in the wind, and as he raised his arms in the air, night fell all around. Before the shape was so well established that you could say that something was “beach towel shaped”. Today there are heart-shaped, hammock-shaped (with built-in portable supports), and even circular, which is handy if you have an ass the size of a table.

Design

Until recently there were only two beach kinds of towel designs: those for children and those for adults. Today the designs are endless. The day before yesterday I saw a guy with a towel that simulated a hole in the sand. It was so realistic that a lady, who stepped on it accidentally, fell in and they are still searching for her. (READ MORE by Itxu Díaz: Get Your Boat Ready for a Perfect Summer Vacation)

When choosing a design, think about what you want. Do you wish to go unnoticed or for the whole beach to look at you? I read in the specialized press that the trend now is to attract attention, but this can also be achieved by sewing some bells on the corners, or simply reading a fat book.

This summer one of the main trends is to buy a towel personalized with your face printed on the fabric. Personally, It’s enough to have to look at myself in the mirror every morning without having to see myself when I’m sunbathing too.

Finally, towels that match your beach clothes or swimsuit are now all the rage. The advantage is that they’re harder to lose. The disadvantage is that it may look like you are sunbathing on your shirt.

Cheap Is Expensive

I bought one of those $5 towels made in countries where they whip the workers. It was blue, beautiful, fluffy, and big, it’s a pity it smelled a bit like a pangolin. However, when I got out of the water I dried myself with it, it faded and shed blue hair. After a while, people started to take me for Papa Smurf.

The Fabric

They have started to sell towels made of a fabric that repels sand. I think it’s a good idea, but in my opinion, the really great invention would be a car that repels sand.

Spreading Out the Towel

On windy beaches, spreading out your towel can be a nightmare. My advice is to use the batting technique. It consists of extending your arms and legs, grabbing the corners of the towel with your hands and toenails, and choosing your moment precisely to catch the wind unawares, you throw yourself to the sand without letting go of the corners. Alternatively, they now make pegs, like the ones used for tents, that stick the towel in the sand. But I’ve seen a video of how they work and I doubt you’d want to go to that much trouble unless you plan to live on the beach. (READ MORE: How to Apply Sunscreen: A Handbook)

There is also a Spanish inventor who has created the wind-proof beach towel. It is a towel with a double layer that you have to fill with sand before spreading it out. The weight prevents it from blowing away. However, I have some bad news: Shaking that towel out at the end of the day is the equivalent of shaking out 10 or 20 towels more caked in sand than your kids.

When the Beach Towel Dries

It doesn’t. It is a material that comes already wet from the store, smells of sunscreen, and will be damp for its entire life. Don’t waste time hanging it out at night.

The Screen

There is a type of towel that serves as a dressing room. Girls handle them very well. Boys, be extremely careful: once I used one to change my swimsuit for a pair of underwear, lost my balance, fell over, rolling through the sand with my ass exposed, and finally the lifeguards had to rescue me by cutting through the fabric with a scalpel. I have never been so close to undergoing an accidental phimosis operation.

Courtesy When Shaking Out Your Towel

Finally, before leaving the beach, it is a good idea to shake out your towel. Doing it politely means not tossing sand all over others: always do it downwind, make sure there is no one underneath, and, above all, always, always, always remember that the wind will carry it a few meters further.

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