A Randy for every inning in Randy Arozarena’s Mariners debut, a 6-3 win over the White Sox

Will you accept this ‘Roze?

First inning: The mascot for Randy’s Donuts

It’s a sculpture. It just stands there. It’s the perfect emblem for an inning where nobody reached base for either squad. The most anticipated at-bat in months, Randy Arozarena’s first as a Mariner, ended with a called strike. Just standing there, statuesque.

Second inning: Randy Taylor

Randy Taylor was the middle son on TV’s family sitcom, Home Improvement. That show was famous for its show-within-a-show, which Heidi always opened by asking the audience, “Does everybody know what time it is?” To which the crowd yelled back, “Tool Time!” The second inning featured an in-game interview with Mariners’ All-Star Logan Gilbert. With the game being broadcast on Fox, this could have been a nice opportunity to expose Gilbert to a wider audience, to give more people a chance to appreciate his mind for the science of pitching. But instead, because this game was being broadcast on Fox, the interview featured many questions from color commentator A. J. Pierzynski. The most he had to contribute was asking Gilbert what it was like to grow up rich. Later, A. J. would go on an extended discourse about how you might not reach base every time up to the plate, but it’s still important to try. Which, I mean, it’s not like that’s wrong I guess. He also had a long riff on Paul Konerko’s Hall of Fame case. Tool time indeed. Aaron Goldsmith was left to play the Randy Taylor’s smart aleck to A.J.’s nonsense.

Third inning: Randy Winn

Speedy left fielder Randy Winn only played for Seattle for a couple seasons, but he completed the best outfield I’ve ever seen with Ichiro and Mike Cameron. In the third inning, the Mariners got some speediness of their own, with new left fielder Randy Arozarena securing an infield-hit for his first knock as a Mariner.

In the bottom half of the inning, another speedy outfielder, Luis Robert, Jr., forced a rush job and thus reached on an error. He stole second, and then scored the first run on a bobbled infield hit. That’s what speed do.

Fourth inning: Randy Johnson

Randy Johnson pitched a perfect game, won five Cy Young Awards, a Triple Crown, and a World Series MVP. He’s also had a second act as a legitimate photographer. But despite that, his defining moment may be the time he killed a bird. And that’s what makes him the stand-in for tonight’s fourth inning, where Jorge Polanco shot a baseball out to dead center so hard it probably would have taken out any aviating animals along the way. The Mariners would add on with walks to Mitch Haniger and Josh Rojas, each scoring on singles from Dylan Moore and Víctor Robles.

Fifth inning: Randy Savage

In the world of professional wrestling, it takes a lot to stand out for being a swaggering, ostentatious performer. But that’s what Randy Savage managed to do, and it’s what the Mariners did in the fifth. Having chased Erick Fedde after just four innings, the M’s got to see the underbelly of Chicago’s troubled bullpen. Cal Raleigh led off with a 429-footer, and then Jorge Polanco hit his second homer of the night, in back-to-back innings, back-to-back with Cal. Hitting back-to-back home runs on back-to-back nights is how you put on a show.

Sixth inning: Randy Newman

The saccharine crooner Randy Newman isn’t really my cup of tea, but “You’ve Got A Friend In Me” is so sincere that it gets me worked up anyway. It was in the sixth that Víctor Robles recorded his third hit of the night, having been the spark plug for the Mariners since he came over at the beginning of June. For a three-hit night that’s not even surprising because of how good a friend he’s been, Robles wins tonight’s Sun Hat Award. (Polanco misses out because of his three defensive misplays.)

Seventh inning: Randy Arozarena

Randy Arozarena stands for the idea of an exciting Mariners’ deadline acquisition, and that’s what we got to see in the seventh inning in the form of Yimi Garcia, who made his Mariners debut with a 1-2-3 inning featuring two strikeouts and an easy groundball.

Eighth inning: Randy Meisner

The one hit written by Eagles’ bassist Randy Meisner was the cheesy ballad “Take It To The Limit.” The song’s meditation on aging revolves around the last-blast “one more time.” And so tonight’s eighth inning saw Polanco try to take it to the limit one more time, with two on, two outs, and a four-run lead, Polanco was swinging out of his shoes trying to get that third home run. He ultimately settled for an RBI-single.

And likewise, the bottom half of the inning featured the last-ditch effort from the White Sox, who put some pressure on their erstwhile closer, Gregory Santos. Santos, pitching for the first time since his knee injury on Wednesday, had to be pulled with the bases loaded and two outs. Andrés Muñoz let one of those runners score on a wild pitch to make the score 6-3, but that was the Sox’ limit as Muñoz struck out Luis Robert, Jr. to end the threat.

Ninth inning: Randy Jackson

Looking for his seventh save of at least four outs, Muñoz channeled his inner American Idol judge, never letting the White Sox get their footing and delivering a resounding “That’s a No from me, dog.”