House of the Dragon Scorecard: Ride or Die

You can’t make an omelet without cracking a few eggs, and you can’t fight a dragon war without charring a few commoners.

The House of the Dragon Scorecard is an accounting of the events of this week’s episode, in which points are awarded to characters on a scale of 0 to 10. Points will be awarded for any or no reason.

It is always nice when a wild plan works out. It is not necessarily as nice when, in the process of the wild plan working out, a few dozen people get eaten and/or burned alive by a massive dragon, but hey. You can’t make an omelet without cracking eggs and you can’t fight a dragon-based war without a few charred commoners who wanted to try to ride one. Hmm. Maybe you can, actually. I don’t know. I’ve never planned a dragon-based war. Either way, here we are, with Hugh and Ulf and Addam in the skies atop scaly mythical beasts. Could be worse.

The important thing this does is set the stage for a potentially wild season finale next week. We’ve got Aemond and Vhagar and a massive army on one side. On the other side, we’ve got Rhaeyrna and some dragons and a ramshackle group of teens and amateurs who can fly with her. Maybe Daemon, too, if he ever comes home from the damp haunted castle he’s been shuffling around for half the season. I kind of hope he doesn’t. The real question is whether we’re looking at dragons or diplomacy to end the season. In real life, I would pray for peace. As a viewer and Scorecarder of this television show, I need to see those suckers screeching bloody hell through the clouds and ripping each other apart. It’s complicated.

Elsewhere in the realm: Alicent is off in the woods on a li’l break; Rhaena is stalking a wild dragon; and Oscar Tully wins my heart forever. Or at least for this episode. I needed this with Jacaerys becoming a little brat in the back half of the season.

Let’s give out some points.

Rhaenyra Targaryen: 8 points

Really just a terrific showing by Rhaenyra in this episode. The gossip war she’s been waging with her lover/advisor continues to bear fruit, with the unrest leading to riots last week and now a groundswell of support from Targaryen-adjacent commonfolk who want to try to ride a dragon. This second thing lands her three new dragonriders, too, which we will discuss more shortly but can safely call a tactical advantage. And she also referred to this whole scheme — recruiting the lowborn to try to claim the dragons that were just sitting there riderless like a pair of Ferraris in the garage with a tarp over them — as “an army of bastards,” which, in addition to being a good name for a literal army of bastards, would also be a good name for:

• a scrappy baseball team from the 1930s that won a World Series and later had three of its players banned from the sport for life
• a professional wrestling tag team whose finishing move involves one or more pieces of landscaping equipment
• a band whose shows are advertised on fliers stapled to telephone poles

Again, very solid on almost every front. The only reason she gets two points fewer than the maximum is because I was really hoping Daemon would come home and see her army of dragons and new secret girlfriend and pout about it. That’s not her fault, though. Perhaps I’m being unfair. I suspect she’s happy enough with her dragonriders that she won’t quibble over two points.

Alicent Hightower: 6 points

I know. I know. Six feels like entirely too many points to give Alicent in an episode where all she does is mutter about how nothing matters and everything is terrible and then run off into the woods to ride a horse and float in a lake while staring up at a bird gliding through the sky with a freedom she dreams of but will never attain.

But. Consider this:

Have you ever had a crappy week and decided to just turn your phone off and go sit in a park and look at some ducks and read a book and shut the world out for a bit? Didn’t that feel good? Not in a “this will solve my problems” way as much as an “if I sit in this miserable castle for another minute I am going to heave a sofa out the window” kind of way?

What I’m saying is that her little depression-riddled escape was both relatable and probably the single best day she’s had in this entire season of television so far. I hope the next episode opens with her and Ser Rickard roasting marshmallows.

Hugh the Scorpion Maker Dragonrider: 10 points

Could you, if you wanted to, make an argument that having Hugh spend six episodes kind of bumbling around town on the hunt for food for his angry wife and sick child and then suddenly slipping in “btw I’m a secret Targaryen and bastard cousin of the last king and now I’m gonna go try to ride a dragon a little bit” is a little rushed and awkward from a storytelling perspective? I mean, sure.

Am I willing to entertain that argument for even one single second from any of you today? I am not.

Did I start smiling and hooting a little when I saw what was happening at the end of this episode? You know I did.

Do I want to see Hugh riding a big beast of a dragon for at least 45 minutes of the season finale next week, just soaring and giggling above the masses? More than anything in the whole world.

Ulf: 9 points

Okay, five notes on Ulf for this episode:

1) For one second there, I thought we were heading toward a situation where it turned out he’s been lying about his lineage this whole time and he backed himself into such a corner that the only way out was getting himself roasted by a dragon.

2) Part of me does wonder, based on his face the entire episode until the very end, if he thought he actually was lying and just lucked into some unknown Targaryen blood somewhere in his family tree that he only learned of when he was faced with a dragon that didn’t murder him?

3) Are we thinking here that Rhaenyra sent him to swoop over King’s Landing like that as a ruse to lure Aemond and Vhagar toward them so they could see the fleet of winged beasts she’s now acquired? Because that would be A LOT of faith to put into Ulf, a drunken coward she just met who learned to fly a dragon 30 seconds ago.

4) If number three is true, I think it retroactively justifies me docking her two points a few hundred words ago, just for putting such a goofy plan in motion.

5) Ulf looks exactly how happy one should look while riding a dragon for the first time.

Aemond Targaryen: 2 points

I’m giving this dork two points against my better judgment only because he did kind of spring into action when there was a rogue dragon circling overhead, even if it might have been born less from bravery than an insatiable bloodlust.

Aegon Targaryen: 4 points

I’ve been teetering this way for an episode or two, but it appears I am officially rooting for this little snot now. I hate it as much as you do.

Jacaerys Velaryon: 0 points

ON ONE HAND: I do sort of understand his anger at this situation. He’s insecure because he and everyone else knows who his father is and that it’s not who his mom was married to. Having a dragon made him feel special. But now other people with less than straight paths to the crown have dragons, too. He’s not a special little boy anymore and he’s mad at his mom for the various choices she made that led to this, however understandable those choices were in the moment.

ON THE OTHER HAND: He’s been a real snot lately and it’s all been quite disappointing.

Luckily, a new sweet, floppy-haired boy has emerged to soften this blow for me…

Oscar Tully: 10 points

Watching this little man summon up all the courage in his tiny body and push Daemon around like a toy wheelbarrow would have been my favorite part of almost any episode of this show that didn’t also feature Hugh claiming a dragon known as Bronze Fury.

Daemon Targaryen: 0 points

THERAPIST: How are the visions?

DAEMON: Only one this week.

THERAPIST: Should I ask?

DAEMON: My brother was asking if I still wanted the crown after the tough stretch I’ve had lately trying to actually wield the power I thirsted for my entire life.

THERAPIST: Oh, hey. That’s not bad. We already knew about that and have been worki—

DAEMON: And then I was outwitted by a child and forced to behead one of my allies.

THERAPIST: … in the vision?

DAEMON: No, that was real.

THERAPIST: Right. Of course.

Mysaria: 9 points

I love Mysaria and her elaborate system of getting a message into the streets. She is a powerful adversary on this show but she would be a devastating nemesis to have in high school.

The only reason I’m not giving her 10 points is because I did really want a scene this week where she approaches Rhaenyra like “So… about the other night… I was just wondering where you… are… on that… going forward… with… us…  or…” and I feel a little cheated we did not get that.

Larys Strong: 3 points

He’s been a little quiet the last few episodes, which means he is probably laying the groundwork to do something in the finale that will make me furious. You can see it in the eyes.

Rhaena Targaryen: 5 points

I need to see her ride that wild dragon she’s been stalking by the end of the season. Otherwise, like, what are we doing here? The girl has the coolest sister alive and she’s been shipped off to be a babysitter when everyone else gets to fight and she remains a flightless Targaryen while dragons are now apparently just swooping off into the woods and letting randos ride off on their backs. She needs… something. Otherwise, she’ll be heading off to the woods to float in that lake with Alicent.

Corlys Velaryon: 5 points

He’s… trying. With Addam and Alyn. He’s really trying. A little.

It would be funny if the whole finale is just a wacky sitcom episode where a guy learns how to be a dad to two adult sons. A fishing montage is a necessity here.

Addam: 8 points

If you are a younger brother who has strived your entire life for something — anything — that defines you and puts you on a path to glory, you could do a hell of a lot worse than “just became the first non-royal to claim a dragon and got to tell the queen about it on the beach.”

Alyn: 8 points

I respect Alyn so much. His brother just hopped on a dragon and flew off with the queen. His fabulously wealthy deadbeat dad is showing an interest and offering him prestigious positions and suggesting he try his luck at flying a dragon, too. And how does Alyn respond?

“Leave me alone. I just want to sail on my boat.”

He might be the smartest man in the realm.

Jasper: 4 points

“Okay, Larys, listen to this. I heard from my buddy that a guy at the juice bar said his brother knows a dude who goes to the same gym as a lady who works at H&R Block with a guy whose landscaper’s mom’s divorce attorney’s neighbor said they saw a guy on a dragon somewhere.”

Mysaria would eat this man for lunch.

Simon Strong: 7 points

Pretty much the only thing he did all episode was say “Oh, dear” when Oscar Tully was dragging Daemon around by the nostrils.

We must protect him.

Season Totals

Mysaria: 55
Rhaenyra Targaryen: 45.5
Hugh the Scorpion Maker Dragonrider: 40
Rhaenys Targaryen: 32.5
Corlys Velaryon: 32
Jacaerys Velaryon: 32
Baela Targaryen: 31
Larys Strong: 30
Alyn: 29
Simon Strong; 29
Alicent Hightower: 28
The Ratcatcher’s Dog: 27
Helaena Targaryen: 26
Alys the Witch: 25
Rhaena Targaryen: 20
Sylvi: 18
Oscar Tully: 17
Ulf: 15
Addam: 13
Aegon Targaryen: 12
Steffon Darklyn 8
Gwayne Hightower: 7
Erryk Cargyll: 6
Arryk Cargyll: 6
Aemond Targaryen: 6
Otto Hightower: 4
Jasper: 4
Various Ratcatcher Assassins: 0
Daemon Targaryen: 0
Criston Cole: -485