The Updated Veepstakes Power Rankings

I hope you’re holding on to your coconuts, because there’s been serious movement in the race to join Vice President and Democratic presumptive nominee Kamala Harris’ ticket as her running mate and I’m here to walk you through all of it. Last week, we zeroed in on top veepstakes contestants Kentucky Gov. Andy Beshear, Illinois Gov. J.B. Pritzker, Pennsylvania Gov. Josh Shapiro, North Carolina Gov. Roy Cooper, Arizona Sen. Mark Kelly, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg, and Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz. As of the weekend, there are reports that Harris’ campaign is most seriously considering Kelly, Shapiro, and Walz. Walz, especially, has quickly surged to the top of progressives’ wishlists (more on that shortly). That said, the Harris campaign is still reportedly performing in-depth background checks into Pritzker, Cooper, Beshear, and even Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer, who’s said point-blank that she’s staying put in Michigan. Harris is set to select a VP by August 7. As someone who exclusively watches cable news when I’m staying with my retired parents, I can tell you one thing: It’s never been a more interesting time to tune in. Every morning and every evening, one of these fairly unremarkable white men is on, filming something like a VP audition tape yapping up a storm about how bad Trump is, how good Harris is, and what they’ve learned from governing their humble Midwestern swing state. Or, in Walz’s case, gaining attention and even influence among the Harris campaign by making the simple, lethal case that Trump and J.D. Vance are just plain weird. Speaking of Trump-Vance, just two weeks into Vance’s time on the ticket, it’s possible things could not be going any worse. Vance’s approval ratings keep hitting record lows, and every other day there’s a new headline attaching his name to some new, shockingly specific sexual fetish. Every time he opens his mouth, he embarrasses himself—and, by proxy, Trump—even more. Case in point: The man can’t even film a half-decent $5 donation video, the baseline, bread-and-butter of a political campaign.  With Vance’s weakness comes a real opportunity for Harris to run away with the damn thing if she picks the right wingman. In other words, her white boy summer is heating up, and we’ve got the updated veepstakes power rankings for you... Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz My daughter, Hope, tricked me into doing the most extreme ride at the Minnesota State Fair. pic.twitter.com/YeMEocwJRv — Governor Tim Walz (@GovTimWalz) September 4, 2023 Allow me to introduce you to Walz-mentum. Last week, I made the embarrassing mistake of writing the fun, folksy Midwestern governor off, allotting him a meager 2.5-out-of-5 coconut rating and arguing that “he probably wouldn’t bring a whole lot of excitement and energy to the ticket.” Welp, I’ll say it: I was wrong! In the subsequent days, Walz made a string of widely lauded, surprisingly fun cable news appearances, writing off Trump and his (allegedly) couch-fucking, childbearing-obsessed veep as a couple of creeps, and following up with his cable appearances by being very good online. On Thursday, for instance, he quote-tweeted a bizarre clip of a Trump speech in which the former president went off on a tangent about “the late great Hannibal Lechter” (?) with a simple, biting: “Say it with me: Weird.”  His other posts have charmingly conceded that he looks much, much older than Harris despite how they're both 60. He also fondly recounted his time as a high school principal, explaining how the stress led to early onset hair loss. Speaking of his relationship with schools: Among numerous progressive achievements, particularly around gun safety, labor, and abortion, Walz has also signed legislation guaranteeing universal free school meals…