Biden to start POTUS-themed coffee company
WILMINGTON, Del. — An excited President Joe Biden announced today that he plans to spend his retirement running a POTUS-themed coffee company.
The company, tentatively called Malarky Joe’s, would feature a variety of presidential-themed coffee blends, including a Kenyan Hawaiian blend called Joe ‘Bama, the peanut-infused Cup o’ Carter, and a decaffeinated chamomile tea called Sleepy Joe. The flagship blend is the rich espresso roast, Dark Brandon.
The soon-to-be former president said he intends to start a viral marketing campaign featuring clever YouTube and TikTok featuring former U.S. presidents Clinton, Bush, and Obama and actors portraying Washington, Lincoln, and Roosevelt.
“Coffee has always been my passion, man,” said Biden, who was spinning the tires of his vintage Corvette Stingray to spell “Fuck Trump!” on the White House lawn. “I’ve, uh, always been a fan of coffee since my hardscrabble days in Scranton. Back then…eh…coffee was the lime in the coconut, pal. Real…brown…hot…did I mention I killed Medicare? Grapes.”
Not everyone is optimistic about the new venture.
“Is this just another venture scheme to make the Biden Crime Family rich?” asked Fox News commentator Sean Hannity. “It’s sure to be popular with the soy boy crowd, but what is this going to cost real Americans in the end besides our dignity and standing in the world? Maybe Joe should just brew up a pot of what’s in Hunter’s laptop instead.”
Georgia Congresswomen Marjorie Taylor Greene responded to the announcement by saying, “SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!!!”
In addition to the coffee company, Biden is said to be in talks with investors exploring the possibility of an online company selling 25th Amendment-themed graphic t-shirts.