How to tame 3 of life’s biggest fears – top psychotherapist shares tips to let it all go
EVER wondered what it would be like to let all your worries go?
Psychotherapist and author Anna Mathur reveals the secrets to a more contented life.
If we were to distil down all our anxieties, nightmares and fears, I bet we’d be worrying about the same things.
We’re fearful of failure, heartbreak and disconnection from those we love most, whether we are liked and the fact we are going to die.
As a psychotherapist, I have helped people ride these waves of fear and navigated them in my own life, too.
However, I’ve discovered a new approach that is changing mine and my clients’ lives – and could change yours.
What if, instead of trying to soften our fear of bad things happening, we become more accepting of the uncomfortable truth that bad things will happen?
Seeking acceptance of this truth paves the way to living more fully and contentedly now – and you can put this into practice today.
Bad things are coming
As a child, I lived through the traumatic loss of my younger sister, who died from cancer at just six years old.
This fuelled a deep fear of bad things happening. I would ruminate over worst-case scenarios of every situation and I did everything within my power to try to control the uncontrollable.
It was exhausting. I believe that much of our rumination over worst-case scenarios is an attempt to prepare ourselves in the hope that if we were forced to face our fear, we’d feel better prepared to navigate it.
Yet, in truth, anxiety robs us of enjoyment of the current moment. And if the worst were to happen, we’d have experienced the heartbreak twice – once imagined, once in reality.
When we brace ourselves against something bad that might happen, we are less able to lean into the good things.
TIP: Next time you feel the wave of anxiety arise, repeat the phrase: “I will cross that bridge if I get to it.” Notice the “if”, not “when”.
This small sentence offers a reminder that much of what you fear doesn’t come to fruition.
I am simply trying to be present in the discomfort of the unknown.
Anna Mathur
It’s an opportunity to reflect that you’ve survived the crossing of many bridges in your life that at one point may have felt inconceivable.
It’s also an invitation to look around you and observe those who are enjoying full lives after living through some worst-case scenarios.
Currently, one of my family members is undergoing medical testing.
Before, I would have been bracing myself for the worst outcome, but instead I am simply trying to be present in the discomfort of the unknown, riding any waves of worry rather than fuelling them with online research and my imagination.
I know that ruminating would taint what joy today holds.
Never fully present
As a mother of three kids, aged five, eight and nine, I’ve often looked back at the blur of their childhoods and felt a deep sense of guilt that I haven’t been present enough, and this shows up with my clients, too.
I was trying, but in truth, some moments I’d rather fast-forward than soak it up. How can we be truly present, when everything is shouting for our attention?
During challenging times, a straying mind can act as a protective mechanism to help you weather the storm.
I believe that the call to “be present” is often incorrectly entangled with the pressure to enjoy what is happening in and around us, which are two different things.
Each day, when you remember to, pause, look around you, absorb the view.
Anna Mathur
We are always physically in the moment, but it’s our attention that is often elsewhere. It’s natural for our minds to wander and it’s a tall order to expect yourself to be constantly present.
How would we navigate life if we didn’t hold an awareness of the future? What would get done? Even the most seasoned meditator would profess to having a wandering mind.
TIP: Before I got married, a friend gave me some sage advice: “Your wedding day will pass in a blur. Take a mental photograph: stop for a moment, inhale the view and the sounds.”
Fifteen years later, those few moments are the ones I can recall the most clearly.
Each day, when you remember to, pause, look around you, absorb the view. Regardless of what kind of moment it is, this gives anchor points for when you reflect on this season of your life.
Not good enough
Having spent much of my life as a perfectionist, I’d regularly question whether I was a good enough mother, partner, daughter or therapist.
My general conclusion was a solid “no”. A stream of self-criticism would follow. When we question whether we’re good enough, we pledge to try harder, dig deeper and work faster.
In reality, every day we wake up as a different version of ourselves.
You might be fighting a virus, you might have had a demanding day, your sleep quality may have been low, you might be processing grief or navigating change, and your resources change all the time because of factors within and outside of your control.
What felt easy for you yesterday might feel inconceivable today. It’s cruel to expect ourselves to have a consistent response, so amend your expectations according to your resources.
One of my greatest light-bulb moments was the recognition that perhaps I would never feel “good enough” when the bar of my expectations was always set at “perfection”.
Nor would I feel good enough if I was looking to everyone around me to reassure me that I was worthy of love and good things.
I began to work on my self-esteem by nurturing a kinder inner dialogue. I acknowledged my humanity and my limited resources, and it was transformative.
TIP: Next time you find yourself questioning whether you’re good enough, pause and ask yourself: “According to what standard?”
This question encourages introspection. If you recognise that you’re reaching for perfectionist standards or expecting too much from yourself on this specific day, readjust your aim.
You’re more likely to lean towards a problem-solving approach, turning “I’m a failure” into “What can I learn from this?”
The Uncomfortable Truth: Change Your Life By Taming 10 Of Your Mind’s Greatest Fears by Anna Mathur (£16.99, Penguin Life) is out Thursday.
Photography: Getty Images, Olivia Spencer