Frustrating: This Man Keeps Excitedly Checking His Texts In Hopes It’s The Democrats Asking Him For A Donation, But It’s Just Various Women Sending Him Nudes

Here’s a frustrating story that will likely have you red in the face with smoke pouring out of your ears by the time you’re finished reading: This man keeps excitedly checking his texts in hopes it’s the Democrats asking him for a donation, but it’s just various women sending him nudes. 

Ugh. Not good. Imagine having to be this guy! 

Thirty-two-year-old fisheries biologist Damon Crandon’s phone has been vibrating nonstop this morning, and every time it does, he gets a thrilled grin on his face and pulls it out to check his texts. But to Damon’s dismay, he never finds the Democratic pleas for money that he’s hoping for—instead, it’s just photos of several beautiful women he knows in various states of undress. When Damon sees that his newest text just yet another pornographic photo sent by a smoking hot woman who’s super into him, he deletes the message right away so as to not potentially bury any important Democratic Party fundraising messages that might come in. But so far, nothing. 

“I know I should relax and stop checking my phone every time it goes off in hopes that it’s from some organization called House Majority PAC or something looking for money,” explained Damon sourly. “I’m sure eventually the Democrats are going to need money from me and come calling. There’s still plenty of time before the election. But whenever I get a message my heart jumps thinking it’s going to have a GIF of Obama that says something like, ‘Let’s Keep Moving Forward’ and a link I can click to easily throw some cash Kamala’s way, but then I’m crushed when it ends up being a picture of a really gorgeous woman I met at a party a few weeks prior in her underwear. I just got my tax return and I’ve got $720 burning a hole in my pocket. I wish I could give it to Nancy Pelosi by conveniently responding VOTEBLUE to a text message, even though I live in Ohio and I’m not even sure she’s running this year. But nope, just all sorts of tits and ass. It makes me want to throw my phone in a lake.”

Infuriating. This poor man is trapped in his own personal hell. 

Do you run a Democratic SMS solicitation list? If so, Damon would love to hear from you. But if you’re another sexy lady who just wants him to see your private parts, back off. This poor guy doesn’t need to have his hopes crushed by the disappointment of another message from the likes of you. If your text isn’t admonishing him to donate to stop Trump before it’s too late, please keep it to yourself.