Law & Order: Bear Victims Unit
Ripped from the headlines, Robert F. Kennedy, Jr’s shaggy bear story is ripe for the Dick Wolf treatment.
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In yet one more bizarre turn in an already bizarre political year, independent presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. admitted that in 2014, he picked up the carcass of a dead bear cub that had been killed in an auto accident. “It was [in] very good condition, and I was going to put the meat in my refrigerator,” he told The New York Times. However, he was not going home and so couldn’t store the tasty bear meat. Continuing the carnivorous motif, RFK Jr. headed for dinner at New York’s Peter Luger Steak House and then to JFK (!) airport—but before doing so, he deposited the cub’s carcass in a Central Park bike lane with an old bicycle so it would appear that it had been killed by one of the city’s demon cyclists.
Discovered by a woman walking her dog, the mysterious ursine corpse was investigated by the state’s Department of Environmental Conservation, which concluded that death was caused by “blunt force injuries consistent with a vehicle collision.”
No one was arrested for the incident, but per Six Degrees of Separation, New York Times reporter Tatiana Schlossberg, Kennedy’s first cousin once removed, wrote up the story for the paper, unaware that she was covering her clan’s latest dynastic controversy.
All of the above is RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES but has absolutely nothing to do with the following episode of Law & Order: Animal Control, which will make perfect sense to anyone who has ever turned on a television with an hour to kill and (we emphasize) is FICTIONAL AND DOES NOT DEPICT ANY ACTUAL ANIMAL OR EVENT AND IN THE MAKING OF WHICH NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED. (Names of guest stars are included; we are all on a first-name basis with the regulars.)
Announcer: “In the animal control system, human beings are represented by two separate but equally important groups: an elite squad that investigates the cruelty and the attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories.”
Early summer evening, CUTE COUPLE (Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling) rides into Central Park on a tandem bicycle. They are intent on romance, but their plans are wrecked (literally, the bike’s front wheel is bent) by an unexpected BEAR CARCASS (itself) in the bike lane.
Soon, the crime scene crawls with uniformed park rangers, lab-coated forensic veterinarians, curious human onlookers, and extremely frustrated vultures. Animal detectives BRISCOE and LOGAN take the young couple’s statements. Briscoe remarks on their ruined tryst, saying, “I guess there was a paws in the action.”
CUT TO medical examiner’s office. Plant residue confirms that the bear was killed elsewhere by a car and transported to the park post-mortem. The bear also needed dental work. At first, suspicion centers on ROADSIDE ZOOKEEPER (Wendell Pierce), who swears that he feeds bears and does not kill them. THE FOOD TRUCK OWNER (Adam Driver) has been known to threaten bears who eat his wares without paying. Arrested, he lawyers up and shows that he was at an Eagles concert. Finally, the trail leads to FRINGE POLITICAL CANDIDATE FRANCIS MACOMBER (Jeremy Irons), running for mayor on a platform that includes opposition to “woke bicycle pandering.” Briscoe and Logan collar the perp while he is speaking at an NRA rally. At arraignment, he calls the judge “Honey” and is remanded to the pound.
CUT TO DISTRICT ATTORNEYS OFFICES. Prosecutors JACK MCCOY and CLAIRE KINCADE prepare for trial while hunkered over vegan Chinese takeout. DISTRICT ATTORNEY ADAM SCHIFF warns the two that the hunters’ lobby is politically powerful, and he is up for re-election next year. “These voters are hibernating,” he says. “I don’t want them to wake up hungry. This isn’t Jellystone Park. Settle the case.” The two lawyers answer that prosecuting bear desecrators is a matter of principle. The grand jury indicts Macomber for aiding and abetting aggravated ursicide.
At trial, defense attorney DIANE MELNICK announces the defense will produce evidence that Macomber was suffering from “bicycle panic disorder,” which isn’t in the DSM-5 but is “totally a thing, honest, Jack.” She produces an expert, RANGER JOHN SMITH of Jellystone Park (Bryan Cranston), to testify to its reality: “One encounter with a bicycle messenger blowing a whistle can produce a post-traumatic stress reaction lasing months.” The trial goes badly until the two prosecutors produce evidence that Macomber’s campaign is being funded by GOVERNOR DONALD SHALVOY (Eliot Spitzer), who, with the backing of the powerful American Automobile Association, is running for re-election on an anti-congestion pricing platform.
After a devastating cross-examination of Macomber, McCoy summarizes: “If Mr. Macomber can desecrate a bear carcass, next it will be ponies, then what’s next? Dissected dogs? Carved-up cats? Beheaded budgerigars? You, the jury, are the last line of defense for America’s helpless pets.”
The jury, in a stunning surprise, acquits Macomber. But when he exits the courthouse, SIR RICHARD ATTENBOROUGH (himself) shoots him dead with an arrow through the heart and gladly submits to arrest.
“I guess there really is no sanity claws,” Briscoe remarks to Kincade.
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