Mariners mauled in Tiger enclosure, lose 4-2

I’d rather have spent the night in Woodland Park

When John Stanton floated the idea of turning T-Mobile Park into a Tiger exhibit in order to boost attendance, I was skeptical. After all, how were the Mariners meant to play baseball, something that they are ostensibly trying to do, if their ballpark became a zoo?

I needn’t have worried, of course, as when Stanton made this proposal we were fresh off the 3-game losing streak against Anaheim. If getting Asian big cats into the outfield was what it took, it wasn’t like the home gameplay could have gotten any worse anyway. But then when the M’s stole 2 of 3 from the Phillies, it seemed like Stanton may have been wrong. But during the Monday off-day yesterday, he converted the field and had the tigers shipped in.

Luis Castillo — who, as far as I know, has never received zookeeper training — was given the job of head tiger wrangler today, with nothing but a baseball to fend them off. 27 thousand Seattlites descended upon the zoo at the corner of Edgar and Dave to watch this macabre show.

Castillo, standing on his rock, did his best, but the 9 Tigers attacking him proved too much in the end, Wenceel, Zach, and Javier (who is in charge of naming tigers anyway) all got good hits in. They never really got a good paw on Castillo himself, but his backup zookeepers, especially Luke Raley who looked like he’d never worked at a zoo a day in his life, kept letting the tigers get their whacks in.

Stanton must have seen the trailer for Gladiator 2 recently, as he also made some other Mariners go out there and try to fight the tigers themselves with just wooden bats. It didn’t go well.

Especially the second batch of M’s (Turner, Polanco, and Raley), who were each K’lawed in turn by the vicious tiger Keider. Keider proved impossible to force back into his cave (situated where the opposing dugout used to be), as the young cub forced his way through Mariner after Mariner. Only Luke Raley had the wherewithal to give him a good bonk.

So Stanton’s grand experiment in exotic animal baseball seemed to start off as a disaster. Especially as Justin Turner got hit hard on the hand by the tiger called “Will Vest.” According to Scott Servais, who himself was disappointed with the showing tonight, Turner’s hand is not broken, but it is inflamed and he is day-to-day.

After tonight’s difficulties, the Mariners will have to head to the library and study some zookeeping books, as tomorrow they will have to face Tarik Skubal, the leader of this pack of tigers. The most ferocious of the tigers that Stanton has invited into the park, Skubal will be tough to wrangle.

Maybe tonight was a learning experience, or maybe tomorrow we will see another mauling.