I’m still having regular sex with my ex-girlfriend even though we split up
DEAR DEIDRE: ALTHOUGH we have split up, I’m still having regular sex with my former girlfriend.
But her phone calendar suggests she’s sleeping with another ex too — and I’m jealous as hell about it.
I’m 26 and she is 24. We dated for a few months before moving into a flat together. But six months in, she told me she didn’t think the relationship was working, so we should just be friends.
I was gutted and moved out. When I went to collect my things, we ended up kissing, then having sex on the sofa. She said we still had great chemistry and that she still fancied me, even if she didn’t see a future for us. So why not enjoy each other?
Then she suggested a “friends with benefits” arrangement.
Even though what I really wanted was to get back together, I agreed.
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Since then, I’ve gone round about once a week for sex, often late at night when she messages me.
It’s like it was at the start of our relationship — exciting, passionate and naughty.
But a few days ago, she was showing me some pictures on her phone, when her calendar alert popped up announcing her ex’s birthday party that night.
She was with him before we met and, as far as I was aware, they were no longer in contact.
Plus, she had told me she was seeing her best friend that evening, so I couldn’t come over.
She quickly swiped it away, making excuses, which seemed even more suspicious.
Now I’m paranoid that she’s having sex with him, too.
I know we’re not together but it feels like I’m being lied to and used. What should I do?
READ MORE DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Stop having sex with your ex. It’s keeping you emotionally tied to her, which is why you feel so jealous.
Casual sex only works if deep feelings are not involved. You agreed to this arrangement because it was a way of staying close to her.
Maybe she is sleeping with her ex. Perhaps it’s her pattern.
Unfortunately, she’s made her position clear, so you have no right to demand exclusivity from her.
Tell her you need space, and stop going round to your old flat.
Time apart will help you to start getting over her properly, which will free you up to meet someone new – someone who wants more from you than sex.
See my support pack Moving On for more advice.