Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: Toilet Kisses
After a season-highlight episode last week, I came into this one with more enthusiasm. Unfortunately, that enthusiasm has been dampened almost as much as the leaky crew cabin. The first half of the episode is largely devoted to the Ellie-Joe-Bri mess, which doesn’t feel fun anymore (or was it ever fun?). I’m protective of the girls and disappointed in them simultaneously. I fully condemn all online harassment of cast members, but it sure is tempting to throw a “GET A JOB. STAY AWAY FROM HER.” into Joe’s comments.
Joe starts off well enough, as he’s honest with Ellie. He tells her he actually doesn’t want to go on the date he said yes to hours earlier. He doesn’t want anything serious and says he’s not ready for dating. She also doesn’t want anything serious and takes the rejection better than expected. Joe asks, “You don’t hate me?” What a cringey question from an adult man, telling on himself for being more concerned about how he comes off than about her feelings. Ellie uses email sign-off speak to convey her dislike: “No worries, thank you so much.” Gossip travels fast around the crew cabins: Gael hears Joe tell Nathan what happened, so she goes to check on Ellie. We love Gael!
For the crew night out, Ellie overdresses as usual, this time in a beaded pearl two-piece crop-top set that makes me think she’d be more at home on a Selling Sunset spinoff. At dinner, she and Joe sit next to each other — I need a slo-mo play-by-play with commentary on how this happened. Instead of making an excuse and switching seats, Joe erases any work he did to stop stringing Ellie along. It’s like she’s a cat, and he’s rolling out the charm ball of yarn, offering her a sip of his drink. She says no but starts to warm back up to him when he explains he got overwhelmed because he’s never been asked on a date before. We learn that Joe has only been in one relationship, and it ended in 2017. He tells us that he wants to marry the next person he dates. This logic makes no sense. Does he not realize you have to date people in order to find out if you want to marry them? If anyone’s taking a date too seriously, it’s him. He asks Ellie if she wants children. My jaw is on the floor at the gall of this man.
This group is not lacking in unaware men, as Iain talks to Aesha about how well he thinks the season’s going. He had no idea that Aesha’s had to think about firing people. For the moment, the stews are doing well enough to keep their jobs, but Aesha’s still frustrated she’s stuck picking up their slack more than she should. It seems like the stews may be turning a corner in their relationship as Bri tries to commiserate with Ellie about Joe at the bar. She heard about him going back on the date and is sorry. Ellie’s glad to clear the air, but she somehow turns the conversation into a critique of Bri being oversensitive. Bri maturely takes it, and Ellie later says it was the best part of her night. Little does she know, Joe and Bri had a moment in the bathroom. After dancing together, Joe followed Bri there, saying he hasn’t picked, as if these women are apples desperately waiting on a tree for him. She tells him to fuck off, but sadly doesn’t mean it, and he joins her in the stall. We hear kissing, and it sounds like Bri stops things from going further. I can’t help but think about the bathroom scene in the latest episode of Industry, which only highlights how grody this bathroom is in comparison. At least it has full floor-to-ceiling stall doors.
The next day, Bri tells Joe no more fucking around, and he seems to get it. They’ll stop flirting. Bri’s done, but she needs his help not to cross her boundaries. I don’t have much faith in this. Joe should look to Nathan, who has been patient with Gael and doesn’t think one date means marriage. She hasn’t had time to fully resolve the feelings from her breakup but agrees to go rock climbing. Once Nathan’s four feet off the ground, he realizes he’s afraid of heights. Gael must really like him because she doesn’t get the ick and supportively talks him through rappelling down. They kiss when they return to the boat and later cuddle on a break.
The morning of the next charter, there’s a Mediterranean hurricane-esque storm, a.k.a. a Medicane, rolling in. The unused crew cabin is leaking again, and they realize there’s a leak in the bosun’s locker above it. The engineers find that the issue is a hose that wasn’t plugged. Now that they fixed it, the cabin should be usable again. The prospect of a fourth stew is exciting; we could use some new energy. Whether it’ll be a fourth stew or a replacement for Bri, whose laundry room is still too messy for Sandy’s standards, only time will tell.
Our new primary is Pamela Duke, the Florida-based owner of a “nautical-themed jewelry line.” A little research reveals it’s called Nau-T-Girl Jewelry and has a Captain Sandy collection, so I’m guessing they’ll get along. Pamela and her guests arrive with buckets of positive energy but are completely deflated when Sandy tells them they’ll be stuck on the dock for the first day because of Medicane Daniel. To make up for it, Jono goes all out with appetizers and makes sushi for lunch. He does a prawn-roll special for Jennifer because she doesn’t eat raw fish. I held my breath this whole scene, remembering the preview where someone allergic gets served fish. I’m not sure if it’s her, and I’m trying to track which plate is which like it’s a shell game. I’ll be on edge for Jono until they’re safely off the boat. I still don’t have much faith in his cooking skills, but he’s really grown on me as a personality. He may not excel at one thing, but he’s a man of many talents and interests. Jono cooks, twerks, sleeps, architects, and even, as we learn this week, does show-horse jumping. Well, he did as a kid, and he claims to use that discipline now. Personally, I prefer chefs who don’t associate making food with horses.
Aesha organizes an indoor wine-tasting excursion, but the rain is coming down fast. Sandy sees there’ll supposedly be 30 inches of rain, which is absolutely insane. A quick Google says Athens receives an average of 14 inches per year! As the vans take Aesha, Nathan, and the guests toward the winery, the streets look like they’re flooding. The guests decide to turn around and stay on the ship, which seems like a safe choice. I’m surprised Sandy didn’t call them back first.
On the boat, alarms are going off, and I have to pause the TV twice to make sure I’m not hearing an alarm in my building. Am I paranoid, or do I just have bad spatial hearing? Probably both. Sandy thinks the boat is leaking again, so Iain returns to the leaky crew cabin. So much for getting a fourth stew. The last shot we see is him, swearing, crawling into the dripping ceiling. I imagine it’s a Coraline-type portal, and Iain’s off to a parallel world where he’s Sandy’s favorite. Will we ever see him again?