Why some people on dating apps just want to be 'pen pals'
As a kid, there was nothing I loved more than seeing a handwritten letter arrive on my doormat from one of my pen pals. I treasured every letter and postcard, storing them in a shoe box covered with a collage of my own fabulous design (I still have them to this day).
In my (deeply wholesome) childhood obsession with pen pals, never in a million years would I imagine that my future self would attach a negative meaning to the idea of a pen pal. But here I am: a single woman in her thirties who's found herself in several pen pal situationships on dating apps. And it has brought me nothing but frustration and upset.
The most recent experience brought with it several valuable — albeit painful — lessons. I'd matched with a man on Bumble and immediately we got chatting and there was a palpable connection.
We moved the chat over to WhatsApp and spent hours texting about all manner of things. When I went back to look at his profile (OK, to check him out again! He was super handsome!) I noticed he was quite far away and using "Travel Mode" — a Bumble Premium feature that allows you to change your location from your current one. This didn't set off alarm bells — when I'm on holiday or travelling for work, my Bumble profile will appear the same way to anyone swiping in London.
But this connection wasn't travelling, he was working and living in another part of England, hoping to move closer to London at some point. After a week or so of messaging in October, he addressed the elephant in the room: he couldn't come to London until the new year and didn't want to stand in the way of me meeting someone else before then. But he so enjoyed talking to me, he said. I thought about my own situation — I had three months to finish a non-fiction book I was working on (ironically, the book is all about why dating is so hard right now!). My entire life was pretty much consumed by it. I wasn't in a position to go on dates and certainly wouldn't be able to make someone feel like they were my priority (which might not feel great in the early stages of seeing each other).
Asking for clarity in the talking stage
We agreed to keep chatting until we were both in a position to meet up in the new year. For weeks, we texted on a daily basis, we sent voice notes, memes, we sexted, we talked about what we'd do to each other once we finally met up. But that day never came. When December arrived, I mentioned we should start thinking about when we wanted to meet up, but his response was very non-committal. I brought it up again a week later and, again, very little reaction. At this point, I knew it was high time for clarity. I composed a paragraph in my Notes app and plucked up the courage to ask where he was at emotionally. I laid my cards on the table: "I would like to explore this connection in person. But I want to check we're on the same page — if not, I'd rather know." I added: "I'd rather we didn't waste our time / get stuck in a nebulous pen pal thing."
He took 24 excruciating hours to give me a response to that question. In that time, I came to terms with the fact that the answer I'd eventually get would not be the one I wanted. I cried quite a few tears — which surprised me, given that we'd never met. But, that sadness came from feeling stupid for giving so much time to a situation that proved fruitless. For believing in a fantasy and ignoring the reality that had been staring me in the face. For feeling strung along and not seeing it sooner. Eventually, he told me he didn't envisage himself hopping on trains back and forth to London and wanted to spent the next six months focusing on his friendships. He told me he understood if I didn't want to keep chatting, but expressed that he did not like the sound of a "nebulous pen pal".
As tears streamed from my eyes, I replied saying I was looking for a relationship and deserved to be with someone who knew what they wanted with me. I wished him well and we parted company. I unfollowed him on social media and archived our chat. Eventually he unfollowed me back on Instagram. But every few weeks, I'd notice him viewing my Instagram Story. Even now, eight months since we last spoke, he still peeks at my Story, despite the fact we no longer follow each other.
Why do people look for pen pals on dating apps?
It's very confusing to spend such a prolonged period of time talking to someone, forming an attachment, only to learn that they likely had no intention of ever meeting up in person. I've learned valuable lessons from my experience with this man. When swiping on apps, I make sure the person lives in the same city as me (important!). I now make sure when I'm talking to someone, we move our connection to real life in the first week or so of texting. I ask for clarity at the first sign of inconsistency. I end things if they admit they're not in the right space for dating.
In the aftermath of that prolonged talking stage, I wondered if the man had only ever intended to be pen pals. Had he, from the very outset, had no intention of ever meeting up with me? I couldn't stop thinking about the "why?" of it all. What was the motivation behind solely messaging and never taking the connection to real life?
When I swipe on dating apps, I often see 'no pen pals' in people's bios — so mine is not a unique experience.
When I swipe on dating apps, I often see "no pen pals" in people's bios — so mine is not a unique experience. What is the reason behind this behaviour? Why do some people seek out — consciously or unconsciously — pen pals on dating apps? Annabelle Knight, sex and relationship expert at Lovehoney, says there's a few reasons for 'pen pal' behaviour on dating apps. "The first is that they simply aren’t ready to date — and they might not even know this themselves; they like the 'idea' of dating, but don’t like the reality of it," says Knight. "The second is that they are struggling with their own issues — like anxiety or poor self-esteem — which would prevent them from wanting to take the next step of meeting up."
The third reason could be that the person is already in a relationship and they are using dating apps as a means of escapism, says Knight. A possible fourth reason could be that the person is trying to meet friends using dating apps.
Anna Hint, dating expert at dating app Pure, also suggested a few explanations for this behaviour. "Some of the few reasons might be boredom, 'testing the waters' before meeting up in real life, seeking validation, or just feeling lonely but not looking to develop the connection further than online chats," says Hint. "Other times someone might be in a committed monogamous relationship and not looking to meet anyone in person but open to connecting virtually — this might or might not be consensual in a couple's relationship dynamics but also a quite common scenario."
There's also the matter of dating apps creating the illusion of seemingly boundless choices. "So why settle for someone at all?" adds Hint. "Situationships, delusionships, and imaginationships are all part of our dating scenarios today. It seems like a real struggle to make up your mind about whom you should meet IRL, maybe for many people it's comfortable enough just to exchange a few texts here and there to feel 'seen' but not take it further."
All these reasons don't make this behaviour OK, but in seeking to understand the motivation behind the pen pal trap, we can take it less personally. And, we can get better at spotting it and nipping it in the bud before we spend time on someone who has no intention of meeting up.
Recognise the signs of breadcrumbing
You might be familiar with the dating term "breadcrumbing" — when a person sends endless flirty messages (akin to dropping a trail of breadcrumbs), except the trail leads to nothing. No date, no in-person meet-up, just a never-ending stream of texts.
Knight recommends learning the signs of breadcrumbing so you're equipped to recognise when it's happening and can put a stop to it if you feel you're being led on.
"Breadcrumbing, whether intentional or not, is a manipulative tactic in a relationship where someone drops vague, intermittent (or only when prompted) and flirtatious messages — quite literally digital crumbs of affection — to keep someone interested without ever intending to commit to a relationship," says Knight. "Typically if someone is vague, doesn’t follow through with their plans, and becomes more interested when you try to withdraw, they may be dropping breadcrumbs."
What to do if you're worried about falling into the pen pal trap
Boundaries are key in these situations. Knight recommends minimising app-based chatting to no more than a few days as "this will allow you to determine a minimum threshold of connection."
To move to a physical, in-person meeting, Knight advises suggesting a specific activity — going to a life drawing class together, trying a new restaurant, going bowling or mini-golfing — as a date, rather than just a generic "want to grab drinks?" "Pretty quickly this will give you an idea about their future intentions to meet up, and you can decide whether or not to proceed with the conversation or cut off contact," says Knight.
Communicating what you're looking for from the get-go is a great way to define your boundaries and to find out what the other person's expectations are too. "If it seems like you are not on the same page in terms of your wants and needs, it's better to cut it off," says Hint.
What if you're only looking for a pen pal on dating apps?
If you're not ready to date in person, or perhaps you want to explore intimacy purely over texting for the time being, honesty is the best policy. Make your intentions clear from the very outset and give the person the choice of whether this arrangement works for them too. "If you really are looking for a pen pal, then you need to signpost this in your bio, and make your feelings clear upfront, so that the other person knows ahead of time what they're signing up for," Knight says.
"You don't want to give any room or time for misunderstanding; even if you have good intentions, if you start talking to someone and let them know you're only looking for a pen pal weeks into a conversation, they could end up developing feelings and getting hurt," she adds.
Knight suggests using apps or websites which are solely for this purpose — InterPals, Global Penfriends, and Slowly, to name a few. On Pure you can list "virtual" as your ideal dating scenario. Similarly, on Feeld, you can add "texting" as a kink.
Hint adds that "if you want to act respectfully and ethically towards your match or chat partner: it's crucial to mention where you are standing from the start when connecting with someone online."
Dating app culture might feel really murky and dispiriting at the moment, but if we treat each other with respect and communicate clearly and honestly, we can avoid leading people on.