I went to college for free thanks to a scholarship. I'm still debating whether it was worth it.

• I used my energy and resources in high school to get a full cost-of-attendance scholarship.
• I struggled to find time for myself in college because of the demands of my scholarship program.
• I'm now learning to explore who I am outside education.

My vision in high school was to complete my college degree for free. I am now a year post-college graduation, and I know that I achieved my goal, but it wasn't without sacrifice — both before and during my years in college.

Some universities offer scholarships with no strings attached: The money is yours for tuition and other expenses. Other universities —like mine — offer program-based scholarships that require your involvement in their program traditions.

Those traditions tarnished some of my college experience, especially coming from an exhaustive high school career where I put too much pressure on myself. But looking back, I still believe this was the reward I deserved for my effort in high school.

I dedicated my time in high school to achieving my scholarship dream

In my senior year in high school, I was selected for a full cost of attendance scholarship program.

I had been working toward this for four years. I loaded my schedule with AP classes and had many long nights studying for tests and working on projects. I took the ACT and SAT four times — each costing hundreds of dollars. I hosted school events and joined clubs, hoping to become a part of the leadership team.

I even memorized chapters of my anatomy book in high school and rewrote them on a whiteboard to get a 102% on my exam. Calculating my high school GPA yearly to determine if I would move up in rank from seven to one was a thrill.

I did this all in the name of no student debt and a prestigious college experience. I loved the challenge of working toward a goal I created for myself. It showed me that I could reach for big dreams and grasp them.

In hindsight, I would tell my high school self to stay passionate but let go of the pressure for perfection and instead focus on trying my best. Maybe knowing I was doing a good job would have stopped me from crying over a B in geometry.

Being in the scholarship program left me with mixed feelings

The program encouraged me to focus less on grades and more on community impact, leading me to create a podcast helping incoming students better adjust to college life. The program also prompted me to develop meaningful friendships among the people in my cohort — one of whom is now my husband.

However, I found that I had to give too much of myself to the scholarship program. It unexpectedly felt overwhelming and sometimes all-consuming when all I wanted to do was focus on my college experience. It left no room for me to explore who I really am.

My time in college was different than that of previous cohorts of students because of the COVID-19 pandemic. The pandemic mainly affected opportunities for scholarship-funded travel and reduced the events we could attend. These elements were unfortunate to miss out on, but ultimately, I was grateful for the break from the program to explore my individuality.

I'm now exploring who I am post-college

Since college, I've learned the power of advocating for myself in academic settings and setting boundaries around my time. I typically let feelings of guilt and obligation guide my decision-making, and I'm sure this affected my experiences in the scholarship program.

The program helped me meet my now husband and even provided a fresh financial start after graduation, but it also imposed on my sense of self.

I've spent the last year challenging higher education's notions surrounding achievement, but I also know I couldn't afford my current lifestyle with student loans.

So, I'm still trying to decide if it was worth it.