Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

---

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer:

My wife stopped having sex with me when she got an STD from me. She is 25, and I am 28.  Sex with her was never that good, so I don’t mind. I apologized.

I explained to her that my job now includes taking out clients. I need to give them a “good time” so they continue to buy from us. I need to take part in these good times to reassure them that what they are doing is okay.  She doesn’t understand.

But what can I do? Jobs are hard to find nowadays.

We were both virgins when we got married five years ago. Sex was not that good. We cannot get a divorce because we are both practicing Catholics. Advice?

Ramon

---

Dear Ramon,

Your message contains a plethora of issues so let’s start with your STD. 

It seems entirely reasonable that your wife is now leery of having sex with you if there is a good chance she will become infected and your lame “excuse” of client entertainment will be of cold comfort to her.

As for your excuse, in my days of corporate hospitality, there was never a requirement that one had to match the client’s choice of entertainment, and in my experience, clients were seldom, if ever, in need of reassurance (especially if they were not paying ????). Even if there is such a need nowadays, it is simple enough to appear to be indulging yet not actually do so (“I just want to talk”), or just take the elementary precaution of a condom if you are unable to restrain yourself, or should group sex be the chosen form of entertainment, you can just plead “shyness”! As for your suggestion that failure to fornicate is a sackable offense, I can understand why your wife might think this is a pathetic attempt to justify the unjustifiable.

Turning to your allegation of bad sex, I suspect that you have taken few, if any steps to remedy this sorry situation. Have you discussed the matter with your wife, tried different ways to improve your sex life, considered therapy? At your ages, it seems premature just to sit back and accept it as your joint fates.

Then there are the thorny issues of divorce and practicing Catholicism. I am uncertain why you even mention divorce rather than separation, since the Philippines enjoys the dubious distinction of denying the remedy of divorce to its citizens, including the non-Catholic ones. (Note, however the seemingly casuistic exemption for those married to foreigners.)

As for your smörgåsbord or pick-and-choose approach to Catholicism, perhaps you might care to analyze why you think it is apparently morally acceptable to commit adultery to further your career but not separate from your wife, a remedy permitted by the Vatican.  

In summary, perhaps it is time to take responsibility for your actions and for the future of your marriage, instead of implicitly blaming your employers and the Vatican.

All the best,

JAF Baer

Dear Ramon:

Thank you very much for your letter, though I admit I find it very hard to answer. Don’t get me wrong, I know exactly what I want to say, but then it would mean not being a therapist (in as far as one can be one in what is typically known as an “advice” column) and being more of a, well, advice columnist, being more directive, in an almost “I-am-the-‘expert’-and-you-are-expected-to-not-necessarily-follow-but-to-consider…-and to consider-seriously.”

It is in the “advice column” spirit that I write whatever follows, ok?

Ramon, I honestly think it is best if you and your wife separate. Not necessarily legally where fault must be found, but clearly, in a way you are both free to live your own lives, without worry that your former spouse will harass you for your wealth, be it financial, social, and/or personal.  If you are both particularly blessed, Congress will realize divorce as a human right, not as a platform to showcase your outdated machismo stance. (Robin Padilla, anyone?)

Some may find this advice too extreme, and will suggest therapy. I would agree, if only to assure yourself you have given it your best shot,  After all, marriage is not to be taken lightly.  But I admit, again not as a therapist but as a seer who can accurately predict how relationships turn out in the end — no such person, except maybe Dr John Gottman who, in a study funded by the (US) National Institute of Mental Health can not only predict if a couple will divorce, but also when they will divorce with 94% accuracy — but as a relationship “expert” who has seen many couples in circumstances not as dire as yours, where breaking up is the best thing they can do for each other but most of all, for themselves.

For many, like in your case, the sooner the better: you have no children, and you are both in your twenties, able to live healthily for at least 60, 70, — and if longevity experts are correct — even 90 years more!! 

I say this because you do not seem to care for your wife at all.  You have slept with other women and find nothing wrong with it. You gave your wife an STD and are not aghast that you could do such a thing!  In fact, your letter hints that you feel her response a bit extreme.  But the real telling sign is, you have no intention of stopping, alleging that your success at your current job demands it and hey! jobs are hard to find nowadays.

Not only do you not care for her, you do not seem to worry that you don’t. I feel no desire on your part to communicate to her how sorry you are for what you did and how committed you are to changing your behavior.  You need a certain mindset to do all you can to make your marriage work, and right now, not only does this mindset not exist in you, but you seem to have absolutely no desire or interest in changing.

Oh, Ramon, if my reading of you is accurate, then please please talk to your wife ASAP and see how you can separate with dignity, integrity and kindness.

All the best,

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.