If it wasn’t for bad advice, Apple wouldn’t get any advice at all

The Macalope was going to say he’s seen Apple armchair quarterbacks come and go, but in reality, they sadly never seem to go anywhere. They just keep spinning the same nonsense year after year.

It should be noted that armchair quarterbacking is a particular type of Apple punditry. Anyone can say “Samsung/Xiaomi/The Pepsi Cola Bottling Company will destroy Apple” or “These production cuts mean no one likes the new iPhone, even though they happen every year.” That’s just your standard nay-saying anything Apple. And it’s different from telling Apple to do the right thing, even if it doesn’t make sense for the bottom line.

Armchair quarterbacking is presuming to tell Apple how to best run its business in order to be successful financially. Armchair quarterbacking is saying “Sit down, Tim Cook! I, a person who writes for a publication that is begging you to turn off your ad-blocker, know better how to run your bazillion-dollar company.”

Let’s look at one of the most egregious examples in semi-recent memory.

It was only seven of our Earth years ago that people were proclaiming that this Tim Cook guy was no good, bereft of ideas, and Apple should instead–are you ready?–buy Tesla and make Elon Musk CEO. Why? Well, here the Macalope is legally obligated by the Bureau of Takes That Did Not Age Well to advise you to swallow any liquids, solids, or Newtonian fluids you might have in your mouth before reading the following actual true quote.

Elon Musk is the unstoppable innovation juggernaut of our time.

“Why Apple Should Buy Tesla and Make Elon Musk CEO,” Futurism, 2017

Mmmmwah! They should put that in the Smithsonian in the Magical Thinking exhibit. Assuming they have one.

Here in this reality, Musk’s genius bonafides are somewhat sus, as the kids are most assuredly no longer saying but maybe still were seven years ago? Not really sure.

“Elon Musk’s Twitter Buyout Is Officially the Worst Deal Since Financial Crisis”

If there’s an upside here, it’s that it couldn’t have screwed a nicer collection of banks.

…the likes of Bank of America and Morgan Stanley…

Thoughts and prayers for their EBITDA.

The value of the loans declined after Musk’s $44 billion takeover of Twitter–which he’s since renamed X–was completed, but the deal is now in “historic territory” in terms of poor performance…

Unstoppable. Innovation. Juggernaut.

The Macalope could list many, many other instances where pundits have given Apple just cosmically bad advice but…

Well, actually, let’s do one more. You know, for fun. Or science. Or whatever.

Just a year before Apple was sagely advised to make serial procreationist Elon Musk head of the company, it was advised to license one of its operating systems. Now, it had been told for years that licensing macOS was a sure-fire winner. But this time, it was not macOS. Oh, no, no, no.

“Apple Should Open iOS to China as Another iPhone Cut Looms, Says Rosenblatt”

Just a reminder, Google gives away its operating system. Yet somehow Apple was going to be able to rake in big bucks by licensing iOS to run more crappily on sub-standard hardware. The reason for concern?

…Samsung will launch a foldable screen smartphone and Chinese OEMs will launch a curved panel smartphone in 2017…

Boy, those foldables sure took over the market, didn’t they? To say nothing of the blockbuster… uh, does that say “curved panel smartphones”. Does anyone remember those? The Macalope doesn’t.

Instead, Apple did the opposite. It leveraged its hardware expertise to make its own processors for the Mac. Pretty sure no one would say that was a mistake.

And the silver lining for this one? The Macalope is pretty sure that was the last time anyone gave Apple that advice again.

Now, even the Macalope is not immune to armchair quarterbacking Apple. Sometimes you just can’t resist. The flesh is weak. (Just ask Elon Musk.) The difference is he doesn’t suggest it’s the only way Apple can save itself.

Even still, it’s a bad habit to get into.