The Bachelorette Recap: Reverse Uno

Please open your exam books and pick up your pencils. It’s time for your AP Bachelorette Language & Composition open-book final exam to begin.

The Bachelorette is an American television program in which the hottest woman you’ve ever seen dates a series of men who seem hot, but as you get to know their personalities, you’re totally turned off. It is a television program created for the girlies who still believe in true love but also have a pool at their job for when the Bachelorette and her final choice will split up. Using the following sources, please answer the following:

WHY DID JENN TELL MARCUS SHE’S IN LOVE WITH HIM?

You will have 45 minutes to write an essay answering the above question. Use appropriate grammar and punctuation in communicating your argument. Your time starts now.

Okay. What the hell is going on with this season? I don’t know about you, but it’s as if every episode has been written by a new writer who hasn’t seen the previous episode. Devin is freaking out so much he wants to leave? Marcus is telling Jenn that he doesn’t love her? Jonathon getting eliminated? Sure! Anything goes when your storylines are now exercises in how far you can stretch the audience’s suspension of disbelief. I can’t tell if something so diabolically juicy is coming up or production has nothing so they’re challenging themselves to create storylines out of thin air.

And what makes this episode so difficult to watch is that Jenn has ceased to make sense to me. She’s in love with Marcus? SINCE WHEN? In fact, she’s so in love with Marcus that she has to tell him she’s in love with him after he tells her he’s not in love with her. Not that he isn’t “falling for her.” It’s just that he’s not in love with her. Devastating. Humiliating. Honey, noooooo. When did this happen? Because it certainly didn’t happen when they went down the Yellow Brick Road to advertise Wicked: The Musical: The Movie – Part 1. 

Let’s get into…

…I’m sorry, actually, not yet. I need to say that I’m not rooting for Marcus. “Allegations” aside, a relationship where Jenn seems to be doing all the emotional heavy lifting doesn’t seem like a relationship where Jenn is being chosen. Is anyone rooting for Marcus? I don’t like Devin freaking out on Jenn, but he is at least affirming her and doesn’t give a big speech on how he’s not in love with her. I think this continues to affirm that the Bachelors and Bachelorettes who haven’t been through Hometowns or Fantasy Suites tend to make some baffling decisions once they get past where they were eliminated on the show.

Jonathon, and I cannot emphasize this enough, was eliminated this week. Someone in Paradise is going to get the deal of the century.

Okay, now let’s get into it.

We’re on the big island of Hawaii and continuing with the parade of Bachelor Universe Stars to help guide Jenn during this process. They sit down and go through the remaining contesticles. Jenn also said her biggest fear right now is self-sabotaging, and girl, yes. I need Molly to explain to Jenn that just because Marcus doesn’t make sudden movements and maintain eye contact doesn’t mean he’s a secure attachment. Devin is off somewhere saying that when he says “I love you” to someone, he expects to hear it back and if he doesn’t hear it back soon (which is not how this part of the show works), it’s validating his biggest fear. Well, he’s the first Fantasy Suite date this week, so he has plenty of time to work through what is going on with him.

They’re going on a helicopter date above Hawaii, and Jenn says she’s mostly afraid because she hasn’t been loved by somebody like this before. She basically doesn’t know how to operate in a relationship like this. And it seems like Devin is someone who processes all his emotions out loud all the time. The guy is a yapper, which, in any other context, would be amazing. A boyfriend who is willing to grab a marg and kiki it up about what’s going on inside his mind and heart? Ugh, the dream, but unless a yapper has an equal yapper on the other side of the table, it’s torture. They perch near a waterfall and have the same conversation they will have for the rest of the episode. Devin is all in; he can picture Jenn at her job, he can picture Jenn with his family, and he can picture Jenn in a house with a mouse as his spouse. This is a man who has never been more ready to get engaged, and this is a man who thinks that Jenn is going to break the rules of the show for him and tell him she loves him. DUDE!!! SHE IS!! JUST LISTEN TO HER!!! In the evening portion of the date, she kept going, “I can’t tell you how much this means to me. I can’t tell you how strongly I feel for you.” Someone get this man a Bachelorette to Real Speak dictionary because she’s saying she’s in love with you. Either way, Devin heads to the Fantasy Suite, and it seems like they didn’t have the difficult conversation, or Jenn didn’t just let him know to get that knee joint ready because Devin is still freaking out. Jenn says that Devin is better than Pete Davidson in every way, so we know exactly what they were doing instead.

They make Jenn leave all these Fantasy Suite dates basically in whatever Instagram washable silk brand pajamas she’s been gifted and slippers. Ma’am. There’s a morning yoga class on the north lawn. Put some clothes on.

Up next is her date with Jonathon. God damn it. This man is green flags all around, and I just know he’s not long for this world. They go to a market and stop by a Hawaiian donut stand with some truly amazing flavors. PB&J Guava? I will be booking a flight, and Jonathon will be having his cheat day today. Jonathon’s storyline is “He should have opened up sooner,” and … I guess? What I think is happening is, again, Jenn has never had a relationship grow from a friendship. By the way, wow, what a fantastic experience to be hot and have all your relationships be romantic right off the bat. In the words of Miranda Hobbs, “Sexy is what I try to get them to see me as after I win them over with my personality.” There really are two Americas. Anyway, Jonathon says, “I love you” in his own way, and he talks about how he’d want to learn Vietnamese and cook Vietnamese dishes because that’s what he loves to do. He wants to pass down to his half-Vietnamese, quarter-Black, and quarter-white children what his mom passed down to him. Girl, if you don’t want him…

In the morning, Jonathon seems to have turned a corner in his feelings and can identify that feelings growing slowly and deliberately over time is a GOOD THING.

Jenn leaves the Fantasy Suite wearing an LL Bean 100 percent Pima cotton nightgown and Wicked Good slippers.

A moment of appreciation for Jesse, who has been taking the contesticles golfing to talk about their feelings. Jesse’s evolution into “Your Sister’s Husband Who You Can Really Talk To” has been amazing to witness. I’ve gone through a full emotional journey with Jesse, and he’s got the best gig in America. Fly around the world, play some golf, and talk some guys in the middle of a delayed quarter-life crisis through their feelings. Whatever they’re paying him, he’s earning and enjoying every penny.

It’s time for Marcus’s emotional non-arc. Sigh. Is Marcus trying to get eliminated? What is the strategy here? Has he just not shut off the part of his psyche that served him in the military, and he’s trying to apply “On time, on target, never quit” to romantic relationships? I’m unsure what this guy is bringing except a haircut that can only be described as “adhering to regulations.” Marcus and Jenn head out on a boat to go see the spirit of Moana’s grandma. I also have to ask if Jenn is delusional because she says, “I feel fun and flirty; I’m ready to have fun and laugh about everything.” Marcus? Like Marcus-Marcus? Marcus says with a completely straight face and zero glimmer in his eyes that Jenn makes him feel like he’s on a high. Has there been something I missed?

Because I respect that Jenn clearly likes Marcus, and Marcus is the kind of guy you definitely fall for, and maybe after a lifetime of outward toxicity, someone who isn’t asking that much of you and comes across as reliable and safe is very attractive! But the way they’re both talking about their relationship as full of laughs and tee-hee-hees does not seem rooted in a reality we’ve been privy to. Then when it’s time for the evening portion of the date, Marcus looks at Jenn and says, “Giving Ferarri, very sexy,” and my vagina picked up a picket sign and went on strike. WHERE IS THE CHEMISTRY!? And I’ll tell you the chemistry is back on the mainland because Marcus delivers what I hope will go down as one of the most baffling Fantasy Suite moves of all time, AND IT WORKS! He tells Jenn that he’s not in love with her. Shrug. I’m not in love with you. Reader, I would throw up! I would be ILL. He tells her, “You deserve someone that is sure about you; I think it’s just I don’t know if I’m putting pressure on myself, how fast this process has been, how quickly the end of this process is approaching, it’s been hard for me to get to a point where I feel comfortable saying that I’m in love.” If it ends with “I’m not comfortable saying that I’m in love. Sorry,” that’s a breakup. Marcus broke up with Jenn, and she hit him with that Reverse Uno and said, “I love you, and I have to get it off my chest!” Baby girl, you did not have to get it off your chest! No no! Then she offers him the Fantasy Suite card??!?!?!!!! JENN! That’s no longer a guy you’re dating; that’s a former associate you’re no longer dating! I feel like I have entered an alternate dimension where the goal of this television program is to get an anti-engagement. That’s where you take Marcus to a beautiful seaside vista in Hawaii, and he tells you, “It’s hard for me to get to a point where I want to marry you,” and you say, “Yes! Yes! A million times yes!!” and jump up and down.

Finally, in the last twist of the week, Devin sits down again with Jesse and says that he just can’t stand to stay in the competition if Jenn doesn’t return his feelings. He’s also test-driving his potential catchphrase if he got chosen to be The Bachelor: “I want to be the one, not one of,” which ends on a hanging preposition. We’re gonna keep workshopping that one. Devin! This is the show! She can’t fully reciprocate! But she’s telling you!! Please!

But he heads to Jenn’s room for the most anti-climactic and realistic “I love you” exchange in Bachelor Nation history. Devin should have known everything was okay because of how freakin’ happy Jenn was to see him and how worried she was when she realized how much he was freaking out. Jenn basically says she’s not good at expressing herself, and Devin is SO expressive that she often feels inadequate. She says “I don’t know what I would do without you. Devin, I do you love, you freakin’ idiot.” I think these crazy kids have a shot.

It’s time for the rose ceremony, and the only man without an “I love you” is sent home. When Jenn sits down with Jonathon, she does a little shrug when she’s explaining how they ended up there and … ooof, Jenn, focus up a little bit. Thank you to the crowd for delivering the biggest gap in the world for Jonathon’s elimination. You’ll live on in Paradise.

See you next Tuesday for THE SHOCKING FINALE!

Men Tell All Spare Thoughts

• Honestly, the Jenn we got at The Men Tell All special is the Jenn I wish we got all season. This Jenn is activated, locked in, and ready to fucking play. This is a messier, angrier, and more mindful Jenn than we got the whole season. Jenn absolutely GOING OFF on Samm and talking to him about how she feels bad for whoever his future partner is unless he takes accountability and tells his family to back the fuck off on social media is breathtaking. It’s savage and clearly from a very real place. She also pisses all over his Paradise future by talking about how he never asked her a question or knew anything about her. If he does go, I hope he’s a night one elimination. Jenn talking about her Vietnamese heritage and how private and patriarchal it is and how her mother didn’t have a voice (both culturally and in her marriage) is so powerful and really goes a long way to explain a little bit of Jenn’s hesitance toward expressing her wants and needs. I’m not saying that Jenn during the season wasn’t a sweetheart, but you can see a person figuring out what she really wants, and the Jenn at the Men Tell All is a person who knows exactly what she wants and who she is. I hope that’s because she is getting exactly what she wants during the SHOCKING FINALE and is happy in her relationship. (My money is still on Jenn proposing, and if that ain’t self-actualization, I don’t know what is.)

• Y’all, we could have had Brett in Paradise but you freaked him out by saying your arms, heart, and coochie were open in his DMs. Also asking for feet content at 7:39 a.m. in the morning!! Brett!

• Grant finally got the Bachelor introduction he DESERVED, and you can hear the Bachelor producers begging, “Please! Apply to be on his season!!” I’m excited about a Grant season because he said his pre-season training involved working on his emotional intelligence. After Joey’s season, WE ARE NOT GOING BACK (to clueless Bachelors wreaking havoc).

• This year’s “Night One Eliminee who WILL BE HEARD” goes to Ricky.

• The most confusing Bachelorette Surprise is that ABC is sending Charity and Douton back to Greece because he got the flu for a few days.

• Best Nickname: “My Little Medium King”