Come On, It’s Been Eight Months: This Satanist Still Has His Burning Pentagram Up From The Holidays

While nobody expects you to take your holiday decorations down the day after celebrating, some people really push the limits of good taste by leaving them up for weeks—and sometimes even longer. And we can’t think of a more egregious example than this: This satanist still has his burning pentagram up from the holidays.

Come on, man! It’s been eight months already. Time to take that shit down.

Oakland-area satanist Peter Healy went all-out this year for the dark festival celebrating the anniversary of Lucifer’s rebellion against God. He paid tribute to the Lord of Darkness by emblazoning his lawn with a burning pentagram, wrote out insidious spells and arcane incantations on his garage door in goat’s blood, and even splurged for several dozen severed pig’s heads, which he lovingly arranged around the perimeter of his property.

At first he got lots of compliments from his neighbors, who loved the way the flaming satanic symbols evoked the spirit of absolute evil and God’s inability to redeem mankind from the King of Hell, but as the weeks wore on, people started to roll their eyes as December turned to January and he still hadn’t taken the decorations down.

“It’s really gotten ridiculous at this point, I mean, just cart this stuff into the garage already,” said Rhoda Swanson, one of Peter’s exasperated neighbors who noted that the only decoration she put up this winter was a single upside-down crucifix, which she promptly took down a week after the holidays. “Eight months later, the pig’s heads are starting to attract raccoons, flies, and ghouls, and the burning pentagram is starting to attract hordes of chanting, hooded figures that I need to chase back into the woods with bear spray. It’s a huge hassle, to be honest.”

Yeesh. There’s no way to sugarcoat it: This just sounds like old-fashioned laziness. Peter’s really got to get his act together.

For his part, Peter says he realizes that his flaming pentagram and other satanic decorations are starting to become more of an eyesore than a festive tribute to the devil. “I kept meaning to take them down, but I kept putting it off. I probably should toss the pig’s heads in the reservoir and douse the flaming pentagram with holy water.”

Peter also sheepishly admitted that he summoned the goat-headed demon Baphomet shortly before the holidays in December and has neglected to banish him back to Hell. “Baphomet’s been wandering around my yard eating deer and cub scouts that wander out from the woods. It really is time to do something about it. Besides, the Autumn Equinox is coming up, and I’ll have to set up my sacrificial altar to Baal soon anyway.”

Hopefully that small bit of self-awareness and his neighbor’s urgent hints will finally convince Peter to take down the flaming pentagrams. We’re all for worshiping Satan and granting him the power he needs to defeat God and claim the souls of mankind, but enough is enough already.