Get Used To It! 5 Reasons I Ain’t Leaving The Sewer 

Got a problem with me being down here in the sewer? Tough! You’d best learn to live with it, ‘cause I’m staying P-U-T put. Ain’t nothing in the whole wide world is drawing me out the sewer, and if you simply must know my reasons, here’s just a couple-few for you.

1. ‘Cause I like the sewer! 

Mhm! I like the sewer very much, in fact! Sewer living’s good living. Simple living. The bustle, hooplah, and excess of aboveground are non-factors down here. In the sewer, you always know what you’re getting: Pipe, wet, and darkness for miles! Yup, consistency’s the name of the game in the gutter world! The simplicity of the sewer has done wonders for my peace of mind—after all, what does a man need in this life aside from big quiet pipes, a cool gutter breeze, and the echo of his own chuckle bouncing off endless tubes of damp concrete? Nothing! No sir, I do not miss the distractions of life above. Once I got a taste of sewer living, I kicked myself for not setting up shop down in a manhole sooner! Good luck getting me out!

2. ‘Cause the sewer’s free!

Rent? Mortgage? Taxes? These are foreign concepts in the sewer! Back in my aboveground years, money seemed to rule just about every part of my life. I’d seen hard times, bad times, and worse times, and I never could tell which of ‘em was waiting around the corner to prolong my struggles. In the sewer, it’s just sewer times. No landlord, debt collectors, or I.R.S. reaching in my pocket, no sir. Settling in the drain pipes beneath society has not cost me one dime! If you’re willing to work for it, like I am, the sewer life can be one of abundance—the wastewater is free, the critters are catchable, and you keep what you earn! Every morsel! Now, how much are you forking over to Uncle Sam every payday? And you ask me why I don’t wanna come out the sewer! I have to laugh! The real question is why aren’t you crawling down in the gutter too? The sewer runoff is warm, friend…

3. ‘Cause I can be myself in the sewer!

The personal freedoms that come with sewer life are infinite! I wake up when I want. I do not wear clothes if I do not feel like it. I cause a ruckus at any hour I please, for as long as I please – yup, while you were working your 9-to-5 yesterday, I was having the time of my life hollering, smacking my belly, and running around with cats and rats in a gutter network the size of a damn city! That’s a realized man for you! C’mon now, you really think I could ever go back to obeying social norms after feeling as alive as I have below?! Be sensible! Life in the sewer is one big lunch break, and proverbially speaking, I do not intend to clock back in! Not ever!

4. ‘Cause ain’t nothing hassles you in the sewer besides the sewage, which ain’t even that bad!

The sewer is as sheltered from modern commotions as it gets! No boss on my case. No children making mischief. No spam phone calls interrupting my meals. Not even the sun itself can make problems for me down here. Now, I know what you’re going to say: “But the sewage!” Yeah, and what about it?! I’ve been directly exposed to enough sewage for enough time to know it’s fine! Sure, it makes it hard to breathe and I get itchy, but there’s plenty worse than raw sewage aboveground (war, thieves, famine, being betrayed by a friend) and that’s a tradeoff I’m beyond willing to make! I will not so much as entertain leaving the sewer. Get over it!

5. ‘Cause I’m stuck, as I cannot manage to squeeze back up through the manhole I crawled down into the sewer through even if I wanted to—which I DON’T! 

The day I crawled down into the sewer, it was only outta curiosity. I did not intend to stay. However, the choice was made for me when I realized my shoulders could not pass through the manhole opening that I’d slipped in through. At first, I was scared, but soon came to realize it was a blessing in disguise, after understanding how much the sewer is the place to be. My cries for “Help!” became cries of “Whoopee,” for I knew the gutter was my home sweet home. Yup, you can call up every emergency rescue squad in the whole damn country, but they ain’t getting me outta this sewer as a matter of physical possibility, and especially not as a matter of my own willingness. Yessir, you heard it from me. I’m in the sewer for good – accept it, or kiss my butt!