I admitted my affair and my husband revealed he has been having sex with a friend’s daughter
DEAR DEIDRE: MY husband has been having sex with a friend’s daughter – someone I watched grow up and even looked after.
She is 28 now, a beautiful young woman, and he is acting like the cat that got the cream. I’m devastated.
I am 49 and my husband is 52. We have been together for 25 years but I always found it hard to trust him and I’ve often caught him lying.
Last year he lost interest in me, didn’t want to touch me at all and I knew something wasn’t right.
Although I tried to talk to him, he simply wasn’t interested.
At the same time a colleague started to pursue me.
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I kept brushing him off until one night we got close and ended up having sex.
I’ve never strayed before and knew it wasn’t right, but it felt so good that someone was interested in me.
Still, I couldn’t live with what I had done so the next day I confessed to my husband.
Instead of being furious, he admitted to his affair.
He calmly suggested we should draw a line under both our infidelities — simply stating we were even and had both behaved badly.
We had a massive row. He seems to think I will just get over it but I can’t get past the fact that I had revenge sex, knowing deep down that he was cheating on me and had been for ages.
I want a divorce but he won’t even talk about it. I have nowhere to turn, I know I don’t love him any more.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Revenge cheating doesn’t take away the pain or make things better. It may feel tempting to get even, but in reality there is little satisfaction.
Betrayal can erode the trust in a relationship and building that back can take considerable time.
Be honest with your husband and explain how you feel. Tell him how much his affair hurt you.
You have spent years feeling vulnerable and unable to trust so it’s no surprise you may view divorce as your preferred way forward.
And unless your husband makes a concerted effort to reassure you, this route may well be your best option.
But please do consider that going your separate ways does not have to be your only choice.
If you decide you want to try, it is possible to make it past an affair.
My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? explains more.