I’m a parenting expert – there’s a clever way of dealing with messy bedrooms, obsessive phone use and compulsive gaming
IS your teen addicted to their phone or computer games? Is their bedroom always a mess?
It can be frustrating, but the teenage years don’t have to be full of nagging, says parenting expert Anita Cleare.
Her book, How To Get Your Teenagers Out Of Their Bedroom, provides a blueprint for encouraging reluctant youngsters to engage with the family.
Anita explains how teens’ brains don’t mature until 25 and how they act more on impulse than thought.
She says: “The emotional centre of the teenage brain is firing on all cylinders at a time when the thinking front part is still effectively connected via 3G.”
Here Natasha Harding shares an edited extract of some of her advice from the book.
- How To Get Your Teenagers Out Of Their Bedroom by Anita Cleare (Watkins Publishing, £14.99) is out tomorrow.
THE MESSY BEDROOM
MESSY bedrooms are one of the most common complaints I hear from parents. But what if we viewed that untidy room through a different lens?
Not as a sign of all the things our teen has failed to do (hang up their clothes, take their dishes downstairs, and so on) but as a sign of how much they have going on in their lives and in their minds.
Those cosmetics (without lids) strewn in front of the mirror? Might these reveal just how hard your teen is trying to find a path between social expectations and self-belief?
Those carpet burns from abandoned hair straighteners?
Might these show how frantic the daily juggle to be camera-ready must feel?
The dumbbells gathering dust next to an empty tube of acne cream? How difficult must it be to prioritise when everything is important?
Take a fresh look. What might you see if you looked at your teen’s messy room through different eyes?
SPENDING TIME WITH YOU
PLAN together for family time. Give them choices about what you’re going to do rather than trying to force them.
Give them lots of notice and time to think about it.
Don’t trivialise their objections, especially if they relate to things they want to do with their friends instead. Fear of missing out (Fomo) is a big threat to teens.
Make allowances. Compromise where necessary and give lots of options.
Small moments matter. Make the most of those brief moments with your teen (when you are driving together, for instance).
If you don’t succeed, try again tomorrow. Be patient, accept their moods and remember that timing is key.
Take them out to eat. Food is often great bait and a good way to get them out of the house and away from the stresses at home.
Get a dog. Walking the dog can be a great way to spend time together.
LOW SELF-ESTEEM
IF adults want to protect teens from the negative impacts of phones, friends and social media, one of the most important things we can do is to support their self-esteem. And that is unlikely to be achieved by telling them they are getting life wrong.
Research has shown that to keep a good relationship, five positive interactions are required for every negative interaction.
A positive interaction might be a smile, a gesture, a hug, a comment, a kind word.
Do a quick audit. Think about today, or yesterday, or this week.
How many positive interactions can you remember? How many negative?
What was the ratio? What could you have done to tip the balance more towards the positive?
CHANGE THE GAMING
GAMING plugs straight into the pumped-up, reward-driven regions of teenage brains.
When we have a pleasurable tech experience, it releases dopamine, a reward chemical that makes us want to repeat the experience.
Arrange a time to talk to your teen and start by asking them for their thoughts rather than launching in with a complaint or solution.
Don’t react to any missiles they throw into the conversation. The goal here is to work with them to agree a marginally better daily routine.
Harness your teen’s goals. If they are hoping to go to college, then try to identify one small change they could incorporate into their routine that would take them one step closer to that goal.
Invite them to come up with ideas. Talk to them about when they study best. What works for them?
What are the fixed points in their day? Is there a particular time when it is most important to them to be gaming (because that’s when most of their mates are online)?
Discuss how many hours of gaming are reasonable on a school day.
They might need some practical support (such as a whiteboard in their room or a new alarm clock) to help them keep track.
PUSH BACK ON PHONE TIME
TEENS are highly attuned to social hierarchies (who is popular, who is not, who is friends with whom) and they are constantly alert to where they sit in that hierarchy.
The sheer speed of the digital world means their online friendship group needs constant attention.
To stay in the loop, they have to check in as often as possible – or the social bubble will move on without them.
Aim for balance. If bringing their phone along means your teen is going to spend time with you or engage in a healthy physical activity, that’s still a win.
Be a good role model to your children. If you spend time scrolling through social media in bed last thing at night, why shouldn’t they?
Designate tech-free spaces. A healthy family life needs some designated tech-free spaces and times each day.
Put distance between people and phones.
When you are at home, place your phone in another room so you are not tempted to check it constantly.
BE THEIR SAFE PERSON
PAY ATTENTION: If your teen is expressing an emotion or telling you about a problem, stop, listen and pay full attention.
Focus on listening calmly to what they are saying and how they are saying it.
SUMMARISE: Don’t pass judgement on what your teen says. If they tell you they hate their body, don’t tell them their body is wonderful or that looks don’t matter. Just accept the way they are feeling.
When there is a pause, summarise what you’ve heard and name the emotion you think they are experiencing. This signals that you are listening. If you get it wrong, they will correct you.
KEEP CALM: Control your reaction. Breathe – this will help you to stay calm and signals to your teen you are not about to get angry. Teens need to know we can cope with whatever they bring to us.
EXPLORE GENTLY: Allow them space in tough conversations. Allow silences. If the chat stalls, reflect back to them what you have heard.
PROBLEM-SOLVE TOGETHER: Don’t offer solutions. Ask what they want to happen and how you can support them. Avoid the words “should” and “shouldn’t” (they are judgmental).
Agree next steps (even if it’s just that your teen is going to think about something) and agree to talk about it again.