It’s time to talk about suicide! Psychologist shares 8 ways to get the man in your life to open up
HOLLYWOOD actor Robin Williams, DJ Avicii, rock star Kurt Cobain, Love Islander Mike Thalassitis and football manager Gary Speed – lives all cut short by suicide.
Theirs are instantly recognisable names, but every week in the UK 115 people take their own lives.
Of those, 86 are male, making the suicide rate for men three times higher than for women.
These figures are alarming – the highest in England and Wales since 1994.
While it is no secret that men can be more closed, struggle to show “weakness” and often fear being a burden, leading men’s health charity Movember tells Sun Health it is everyone’s responsibility to help change that narrative.
Today is World Suicide Prevention Day, and Dr Zac Seidler, global director of men’s health research at Movember, is urging people to start using the word “suicide”.
The clinical psychologist and senior research fellow at the University of Melbourne says the biggest falsehood is that talking about suicide puts ideas in men’s heads.
“Nothing could be further from the truth,” he says.
“It’s a strange thought that simply checking in on someone could make them suddenly do something so serious if they hadn’t thought about it before.
“Saying the word suicide to someone you’re worried about could help them in a really big way. Suicide among men is at its highest for 30 years, and that’s partly down to social issues.
“But as a society we’ve encouraged men to talk about how they are feeling without putting any more resources into the NHS to make sure we have a system ready to listen.”
So how can you be there for someone you love?
Dr Zac shares the conversation openings everyone should know . . .
1. APPEAL TO MASCULINITY
ACTING “tough” is undoubtedly part of the problem when it comes to men opening up. Studies have shown that men with symptoms of depression and who strongly conform to traditional masculine norms are significantly less likely to access mental healthcare.
But Dr Zac says: “If you’re worried about someone, you can appeal to their masculine sense.
“Saying, ‘I’m worried about you’ isn’t always the best approach, and can see some men shut down as they feel like they’re more of a burden.
“Instead, focusing on the importance of a man’s role as a father or partner can remind him of how much he offers, leveraging a healthy protector and provider sense.
“Men can lean into the caregiving role — caregiving is a masculine virtue and it always has been.”
But Dr Zac warns not to overwhelm them with a sense of being needed or being a provider.
2. USE THE ‘S’ WORD
IT might be hard to admit that the man in your life is experiencing suicidal thoughts.
Dr Zac says: “People are scared to bring up suicide because they are scared they’ll be told yes — the person they’re talking to is suicidal.
“But it shouldn’t be a reason to freak out yourself.
“You don’t need to solve it for them. Just be present and hear them out.
“But you might need to be able to alert emergency services if you deem the risk is severe and immediate.
“If the person foretells you they have had dark thoughts or have considered self-harm — which can be a pre-cursor to suicide — you need to be able to signpost them.”
Dr Zac recommends the charities Movember, the Samaritans (call 116 123) and James’ Place as resources.
And encourage men to reach out to their GP in order to get more sustained help, too.
Dr Zac says always make sure you have the time to listen for a while if you start a dialogue.
3. SPOT RED FLAGS
AFTER the death of a loved one by suicide, relatives and friends have reported warning signs they had noticed on reflection.
Dr Zac says: “If your loved one goes from being unsettled and distressed to being calm and serene, that’s a big flag.
“Often suicidal people can wrestle with the decision. Then, once they decide they’re going to do it, a sense of calm prevails.
“Other red flags are things like hedonistic behaviours, a lack of self- care — like not sleeping or showering — and risk-taking, such as gambling, alcoholism, drug-taking and risky driving.”
4. TALK ABOUT YOURSELF
WHEN your loved one is feeling low, it can seem like your own problems are trivial in comparison.
But don’t shy away from talking about your emotions.
Dr Zac says: “You can’t expect the man you care for to talk to you if you don’t talk to them. Reciprocity is vital for trust.
“Speaking about your emotional issues doesn’t make you a burden to someone who may be suicidal — often it gives them a permission to talk themselves.
“Share, lean on them, ask advice, and thank them for any advice that’s worked.”
5. BE PERSISTENT
DON’T give up trying to crack a man open and talk about feelings.
Dr Zac says: “Men are pretty relentless when we want to be — just look at the millions trying to get Oasis tickets last month.
“If you have a dialogue with a friend, family member, loved one or colleague and they brush you off, don’t accept it.
“Create a space over and over again that they can use to unburden.
“Ask, ‘What’s stressing you out?’, then share what’s stressing you out.”
Try coming from different angles, whether it be while kicking a ball in the park, over a drink or while cooking dinner.
Dr Zac says: “It’s a positive move to say, ‘I’m always here, whenever you need me’. If they shrug you off, say it again at another time.
“Let them know you are there so that when they need it, you’re the first name that jumps to mind.”
6. DON’T BE ALONE
IN the months after actor Robin Williams died by suicide in 2014, researchers at Columbia University noticed a ten per cent increase in suicides in the US.
Men aged 30 to 44 were particularly affected.
Most of the time, there is no single event or factor that leads someone to take their own life.
But Dr Zac says: “Being aware of what the people you love are going through can be vital to how alert you are to suicide or self-harm.
“If you are worried about someone, pay attention to what’s going on in their world — are they affected by benefit cuts, have they been passed over for a promotion at work, are they telling you they’re fighting a lot with their partner?
“Do they keep having one too many at the pub?
“Have their kids given them a hard time because they can’t afford a holiday or the most expensive trainers for their birthday?”
7. AVOID SOCIAL ISOLATION
SOCIAL isolation can be a devastating feeling and it is among the ten biggest risk factors for suicide, studies show.
How can you prevent this, when withdrawal from others is a common symptom of mental ill health?
Dr Zac says: “Set aside time where a group of you get together for a run, walk, coffee or to do something.
“Meaningful social connections are literally lifesaving so nurture them.
“Take a second to think about some of the men you know who you care about, when was the last time you saw them or checked in on them?
“When was the last time you arranged a get together?
“All too often when someone has died, people will say they wish their loved one had reached out.
“But that’s a two-way street.
“If you reach out and get a ‘no’, try again soon.”
8. HOW ARE YOU REALLY?
WE are all guilty of replying ‘fine’ when asked ‘How are you?’.
But Dr Zac says: “If you are getting that response from someone you’re worried about, approach it in different ways at different times.”
Examples of how you can approach this question again include:
Are you really OK?
Is there anything you want to talk about?
I’m concerned we don’t talk enough about how we feel.
I know you are resilient but you have been through a lot, I’m here if you ever want to chat.
Life isn’t easy, but it’s not meant to be done on our own — let’s share the load.
Dr Zac says: “Open-ended questions are better ways to start a conversation — ones they can’t just respond with a ‘yes, no, or fine’ to.
“Sometimes we need to name it, so practising asking ‘I’m concerned you’ve had thoughts of suicide or taking your own life?’ can be the pressure valve release lots of guys need to finally open up.”
WHERE TO GET HELP YOU NEED
IF you are ever worried that someone’s life is in immediate danger, call 999 or go directly to the emergency services.
For anyone in crisis, struggling to cope or needing immediate help, use the Shout Crisis text line (text 85258) or The Samaritans (call 116 123) – which are both available 24/7, 365 days a year.
CALM offer a confidential helpline (0800 585858) and livechat, both available from 5pm to midnight.
Visit nhs.uk/mental-health/ to find NHS mental health support near you, and how to self-refer for talking therapies, such as CBT and counselling for mental health conditions including depression, anxiety, panic, OCD and more.
Visit the Movember website for more advice on men’s health and recommended support groups, organisations and charities.
Movember Conversations is an online tool that helps you practise difficult conversations with pretend scenarios.