I’ve fallen deeply for my lover but he won’t leave his alcoholic wife
DEAR DEIDRE: THE man I’m dating won’t leave his wife because she’s an alcoholic – and I’m not sure if I should wait for him.
He says he loves me and wants to be with me, but he’s scared his wife will drink herself to death if he divorces her.
I’m 34 and have been seeing him for three years. He’s 41.
We met on social media and became good friends before we started sleeping together.
At first, he didn’t tell me he was married. It was only when I questioned why he would never invite me to his place, that he admitted the truth.
By then I’d fallen for him – deeply.
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He explained he didn’t set out to have an affair – he wasn’t the cheating type. But he no longer had a romantic relationship with his wife, who had a huge drink problem.
He’d become her carer. She wouldn’t get help to stop drinking and he desperately wanted to walk out.
He told me he couldn’t give me a timescale, but it was a question of when he’d leave, and not if.
I knew he was telling the truth – and have since seen evidence to prove it.
However, it’s been years now and nothing has changed. If anything, he says she’s drinking more and is even more of a mess.
I love him and know he loves me. I see him in my future, as the father of my children.
I don’t want to end the relationship. But I’m worried I might be waiting for him forever.
And part of me feels that if he really did love me enough, he would leave her regardless.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Your lover is in an impossible situation. But he needs to understand he is not responsible for his wife.
Only she can decide she wants help to stop drinking.
The brutal truth is: she may well drink herself to death whether he stays or goes.
Give him my support pack Dealing With A Problem Drinker, which has information and sources of support.
Read Your Lover Not Free for yourself.
Remember, you only have one life.You want children and that means you don’t have time to wait around.
Tell him you love him but can’t carry one like this forever. Perhaps set yourself a time limit when, if nothing has changed, you will walk away.
Be aware that even if he leaves, his wife may continue to cast a shadow over your relationship.