I can pinpoint the exact moment BBC’s Who Do You Think You Are should have called it a day
IT’S not often you can pinpoint the exact second a show should’ve called it a day, but you can with BBC1’s Who Do You Think You Are?
November 24, 2016, at 9pm.
The moment credits rolled on the famous episode where we discovered Danny Dyer was a direct descendent of Edward III and rightful heir to the throne.
News which, as you can imagine, did Danny’s “nut in” and mine as well, because I think we all knew Who Do You Think You Are? would never be quite the same again.
There have, of course, been exceptions to this rule since then.
For contrasting reasons, I enjoyed the Matt Lucas episode, where he discovered a link to Anne Frank and the one which revealed Sue Perkins’ great-grandmother was called Fanny King.
Generally, though, it’s been a relentless decline, with every “Wow!”-ridden edition now following a tiresome pattern.
Brutal revenge
It always ends with the celebrity declaring feelings of “pride” in their ancestors and is preceded by a long line of fearsome old battleaxes who’ve either ended up in the workhouse or fallen victim to a historical catastrophe which casts Britain in a terrible light and coincides exactly with the BBC’s own political agenda.
A particular favourite is the Irish potato famine of 1845-1852 which, the show has revealed, drove the starving ancestors of Mel C, Paddy McGuinness and Chris Moyles across to Britain.
So you can’t say the Irish haven’t exacted brutal revenge.
In line with another BBC obsession, the current series has also attempted to go for youth appeal, with none of the famous guests older than 51.
If they thought this line-up would give the show new life, though, they couldn’t have been more wrong.
They’ve been a savagely dull bunch whose reaction to past events would be the same if they’d discovered, as Rose Ayling-Ellis did, that their great-grandmother had applied for pub planning permission in 1911, or great-aunt Ada had it off with Lloyd George round the back of the old Locarno ballroom on Armistice Day.
“Wow!”
It’s a bombardment of wows that never lets up, with about 25 of them peppering every episode.
What’s even more annoying, though, is that the youngish guests are all either so wrapped up in themselves or just plain ignorant that they have no concept of basic history or anything like a real job, with Mel C taking the biscuit when she stopped a local historian in her tracks to admit: “I don’t know what a money lender means.”
If I’m harshly honest, I didn’t expect that pattern to change with this week’s guest, Jessica Ennis-Hill.
She’s one of our greatest- ever female athletes and impossible to dislike, but you wouldn’t expect ITV to book her for An Audience With any time soon. If you were wondering why she’d been booked for WDYTYA, though, the clue came with the opening revelation that: “My dad’s family are from Jamaica.”
For Jess and her dear old dad Vinnie, who tagged along for the freebie, this meant an emotional holiday to the Caribbean.
For the BBC, it was that sombre moment, 40 minutes in, when the music turned sinister, down at the old sugar plantation and a local historian confirmed: “Yes . . . slavery.”
They had to go all the way back to the 18th century to find the links to Jess, mind you, as her land-owning relatives all seem to have thrived in Jamaica.
If she seemed less than thunder-struck by the slavery revelation when it came, though, then that’s possibly because she’s seen exactly the same thing on WDYTYA episodes involving: Alex Scott, Ainsley Harriott, Noel Clarke, Marvin Humes, Colin Jackson, Moira Stuart and Naomie Harris.
The guests are largely forgotten and irrelevant, by this stage, though.
What clearly motivates the BBC production is the chance to deliver yet another high-minded bollocking for us all about slavery, which usually stops short of pointing out Britain was the first country to abolish this abomination and suppress it around the world.
No amount of woke repetition is too much for the Beeb, though, and nothing will probably ever stop them reminding us just how much they hate Britain, via WDYTYA.
But I think the show should probably call it a day with the last guest of the present run, Gemma Collins, who will hopefully reveal when exactly The Morlocks entered her bloodline, on September 26.
And if they also find out The GC’s ancestors were caught up in a potato famine?
Well, I just hope there’s an appropriate three-letter word to express my utter astonishment.
Cowards at C4
CHANNEL 4, Monday, Trump: Should We Be Scared?
No, you’re a state-owned broadcaster, so you should be neutral, stop playing into his “fake news” agenda and lay off the baiting of “right-wing Christians”, because we all know you’re far too compromised and cowardly to do the same thing with left-wing Muslims.
Joel did number on us
THE National Television Awards began with a song and dance number from host Joel Dommett, and Graham Norton asking: “How great was that?”
Not great, Graham. Not great at all.
In fact, I don’t think the evening recovered from Joel singing: “Looking out now I can see The Traitors. There’s Kaleb Cooper, buy his potatoes.”
It was heinously long as well, with obvious candidates for the chop being: The Olly Murs interlude, ITV’s contrived and unnecessary “Impact” award for Mr Bates Vs The Post Office and the Davina love-in where it was agreed she’s incapable of “putting on an act”, as anyone who saw Sam’s Game will confirm.
Ironically, though, despite ITV’s clumsiest efforts to turn it into an advertorial, The NTAs gain in stature every year, thanks to the viewers’ heroic refusal to sell their souls to the cult of woke, which means some may groan at the fact Ant & Dec have been receiving their award since before Jude Bellingham was born.
But it beats the hell out of BBC1’s Baftas pretending Big Zuu gives the Best Entertainment Performance.
It also means the Best Comedy gong goes to Mrs Brown’s Brendan O’Carroll, who nailed the NTA’s mawkish self-indulgence perfectly by saying: “I must say a special thanks to Charlotte Moore, who I know is looking down on us.”
“Aaah.”
“She’s not dead, she’s in a box up there.”
And if you’re asking: “How did Mrs Brown win best comedy? Was it just to annoy Guardian readers?”
I don’t know, but I hope so.
Unexpected morons in bagging area
TIPPING Point: Lucky Stars, Ben Shephard: “Worn ceremonially by academics, a mortar board is worn on what part of the body?”
Charlotte Church: “Ear.”
Answer Run, Jason Manford: “Which singer is the subject of the 2024 biopic One Love?”
Libby: “Jacob Marley.”
The Weakest Link, Romesh Ranganathan: “In the Western calendar, how many days are there in a leap year?”
Donna Preston: “40,000.”
And The Chase, Bradley Walsh: “Ewan McGregor and Ewen Bremner starred in what 1996 Danny Boyle film?”
Taylor: “Peter Pan.”
Random TV irritations
DAPHNE SPARROW forgetting she’d been shot in the arm at the climax of Sherwood.
“Big hearted” Charlotte Church giving her £1,900 Tipping Point: Lucky Stars winnings to her own charity, just as she did on Lingo.
And EastEnders’ Chrissie Watts not just having cosmetic surgery, while serving life for murder, but also getting a full makeover that makes it look like she absconds every night to play Joey Tempest in a Europe tribute band.
Great sporting insights
ANDROS TOWNSEND: “It was a challenge from either Harry Maguire or Harry Maguire.”
Chris Wilder: “It’s not so much an objective, more a target.”
And Paul Merson: “If a player’s hurt, they lie down.
“They don’t start rolling the pitch.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
TV gold
THE taxi scene in episode three of Apple TV’s peerless Slow Horses, with Gary Oldman.
Channel 4’s 24 Hours In Police Custody.
And South America looking almost as beautiful, on BBC1’s Celebrity Race Across The World, as God’s own country did on BBC2’s sublime Journey To Scotland’s Remotest Pub.
I’d also recommend you watch all three episodes of BBC2’s brilliant The Zelensky Story, without being put off by the fact that, in episode two, on the eve of war with Russia, Boris Johnson says: “I wanted to pump him.”
Though I can understand why you might be.
Great TV lies and delusions
Bad Boy-friends’ Steptoe-alike Deano: “I’m loving, funny and handsome.”
Katie Price: Where Did All The Money Go, Kerry Katona: “I won’t say these are mistakes Katie’s made, they’re very important lessons.”
(They’re mistakes).
And The National Television Awards, Sam Thompson: “I’m going to shut up.” He won’t. Not ever.
Stroking it
AND the Paralympics’ award for sexual innuendo goes to Channel 4’s outstanding rowing commentator Megan Kalmoe with: “The Australian duo out-stroking the British duo, on the bottom here, a length in hand.”
Funny foreign names
INCIDENTALLY, in terms of funny foreign names at the forthcoming Miss Universe pageant, the runner-up is Puerto Rico’s Jennifer Colon (nickname, Semi), but the winner’s sash is definitely being presented to Trinidad and Tobago’s Jenelle Thongs, which is also the round after “evening wear”.
Lookalike of the week
THIS week’s winner is net zero zealot Ed Miliband, who’s about to plunge us all into a new Dark Ages, and Beaker from The Muppets.
Sent in by John-Paul Marney