'We're Hiring!' Exclusive Interview with Hezbollah's Chief Recruitment Officer

Hezbollah, the Lebanese terrorist organization funded by Iran, has experienced an unprecedented turnover of senior leadership in 2024, and recently lost its longtime leader and "moral compass," Hassan Nasrallah, to an unfortunate workplace mishap. We spoke by phone to Sayyid Mustafa Hussein Jafar Fayad, the chief recruitment officer for Hezbollah, in order to give our readers an inside look at how the terror group is working to attract and retain a talented workforce. Enjoy!

Hello? Is this Sayyid Mustafa? 

No. My name is Jafar Fayad.

I was trying to reach the chief recruitment officer for Hezbollah. Is that you? 

Yes. I was recently promoted.

Oh, congrats. May I ask what happened to Mustafa? We arranged this interview with him, but he stopped returning our pages for some reason. 

He, um, can't come to the phone right now.

Why not?

He's buried.

Buried? Like, in paperwork? 

No. I can assure you at this moment our recruitment process is incredibly streamlined and involves no paperwork.

That's great to hear, but I'd feel more comfortable—

The Jews.

I beg your pardon?

This is why Sayyid Mustafa can't talk with you today, alayhi as-salam.

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. Very well. I was wondering if you could tell me a little about your organization and the positions you are seeking to fill?

Certainly. As the Associated Press recently explained, Hezbollah is a "potent regional force" comprised of paramilitary entrepreneurs driving positive impact in a dynamic ecosystem while promoting creative collaboration across antiquated divides in the pursuit of life-changing solutions to complex problems. We are based in Lebanon but have satellite offices throughout the Middle East and sleeper cells positioned around the world.

There has never been a better time to apply for a job in the Hezbollah organization, as we are in the midst of a bold restructuring program that has created a number of enticing advancement opportunities for new and existing employees. We are currently seeking applicants to fill dozens of recently vacated roles on Hezbollah's senior leadership team—including the secretary general position. Rest assured, the application process is a mere formality at this point given the 100 percent acceptance rate for new hires in the month of September. Motivated individuals are already being promoted at an unprecedented rate.

That's fantastic! Can you talk a little more about what you're looking for in a prospective Hezbollah employee? 

First and foremost, we're looking for people who are alive. It's something many of our older and most senior executives have struggled with of late, so that alone will get you in the door and moving up the ranks in no time. An intense hatred of Jews is preferred, as is proficiency in Microsoft Office programs, but it's not a dealbreaker. Hezbollah is committed to fostering an inclusive workplace environment while also striving to root out and eliminate infidel collaborators whose nefarious influence threatens to erode our core competencies and undermine our ability to leverage intentionality in pursuit of cross-functional returns.

Can you describe some of the challenges facing your organization? 

At the moment we are currently facing a lot of Jewish-related challenges, although ironically our media coverage has been mostly positive. Brain drain, so to speak, has also been an issue. Like most organizations, Hezbollah has faced a number of setbacks involving communications technology. Regrettably, we had to issue an urgent recall notice affecting a large number of personal communication devices earlier this month. I think I already mentioned the problem of nefarious collaborators, which is terribly annoying.

That sounds awful. Again, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. What can you tell me about the Hezbollah headquarters? What's it like to work there? 

Well, our headquarters in Beirut is undergoing significant renovations at the moment, so we are pleased to offer a flexible work-from-home policy for new and existing employees. We'll do our best to sponsor some happy hour events in the near future. We at Hezbollah are laser-focused on maintaining a joyous vibe within the organization. The way we see it, "terrorism" is just another word for hanging out with the guys. One of the things we like to stress is [loud bang, sound of man screaming like a bitch].

What the hell was that? Hello? Jafar? 

[hissing, gurgling]

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