My married lover’s wife is planning to dump their IVF baby on me
DEAR DEIDRE: MY married lover is planning to have an IVF baby with her husband – and then leave him to be with me.
She says we can bring up the child as our own. But I don’t want to raise his baby – in fact, I don’t want a baby at all.
I’m a 45-year-old gay woman, with one grown-up daughter. My lover is 44 and has two grown up children by her husband, 47.
We’ve been seeing each other for two years, after meeting through a local book group.
Nobody (except my closest friends) knows about our relationship, or that she is into women as well as men.
I love being with her and the sex is great. She’s met my daughter, and we’ve been talking about her moving in with me very soon.
She claims she and her husband don’t get on – and don’t even share a bed. They haven’t had sex for years.
She was about to tell him she wanted a divorce when she realised she couldn’t stop thinking about having another baby.
Her biological clock is running down, and if she feels that if she doesn’t do it now then it will be too late.
She’s assured me she won’t sleep with her husband, but plans to go for IVF with him.
Once she’s pregnant, she’ll tell him the marriage is over and then move in with me.
I love her but I don’t want to play happy families with this man’s baby. I’ve done my childrearing and don’t want to be up changing nappies in the middle of the night.
What can I do?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Perhaps your lover’s biological clock is so loud that it’s drowning out all sense and logic, but – objectively – this sounds like a terrible idea.
If she and her husband aren’t getting on, it’s very unlikely he’ll agree to fathering her child through an expensive, invasive procedure like IVF.
And I highly doubt he’d then happily hand over his baby to you, after she leaves.
Not to mention that you don’t want a baby, anyway.
It’s certainly not fair to bring a child into this situation.
You need to consider that she might be lying to you, that she’s still sleeping with her husband, and will likely never leave.
Either way, you need to be honest with her about your feelings. Tell her you love her but you can’t go along with her plan.
Read my support pack, Your Lover Not Free.
Get in touch with the Dear Deidre team
Every problem gets a personal reply from one of our trained counsellors.
Fill out and submit our easy-to-use and confidential form and the Dear Deidre team will get back to you.
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page or email us at:
deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk