Creepy Butthead Pulls Out

So much for First Lady Elmo Musk's proud boast of "our Hammer of Justice." In mere days, a "fraction of a Scaramucci," icky, scandal-plagued, Neanderthal-browed "MAGA bomb-thrower" Matt Gaetz crashed and burned, giving up his deeply errant bid to wreak vengeful havoc on law and order. He was felled by yet another sexual assault charge, a resolute free press, a Senate finally facing an unholy bridge too far, and a "spectacular error of judgment" by a clown drunk on ill-gotten power. May he make many more.

Gaetz' unseemly fall was a long time coming. A crass sycophant and provocateur despised even by his despicable GOP cohorts, he'd been trailed for years by sordid rumors and reports of his sex-and-drug-fueled exploits; he even helpfully documented them by making colleagues on the House floor look at nude photos of his victims and listen to lewd tales of his crushing Viagra and Red Bull to (ewww) "go all night." He long denied claims he'd paid for sex, but acknowledged he'd given money to various "girlfriends." For three years, the DOJ investigated him for allegations he trafficked over state lines and had sex with a 17-year-old girl; the probe shut down in 2023 without charges, but enough lurid stories kept floating around the House Ethics Committee launched their own investigation. Last week, after the House deadlocked on releasing its reportedly damning findings, MAGA Mike spent an evening at Mar-A-Hell-go before babbling that releasing them would be "a terrible breach of protocol and tradition and the spirit of the rule."

Anyway, by then his new overlord had nominated Gaetz to get revenge against the DOJ for being mean to both of them by running it into the ground; he also abruptly resigned from the House, which thus no longer had jurisdiction over him. But his "ridiculous, horrible and dangerous" nomination was universally panned - one response: "Oh for fuck's sake" - not just because he's known as a pedophile, reprobate, scumbag and creep but because he is so wildly unqualified for the job Elon Musk thought he was doing Gaetz a favor by arguing he had "three critical assets...a big brain, a spine of steel and an axe to grind." He's also "barely a lawyer," having spent less than three years as a junior associate at a small litigation firm, where at one point he filed a "stunty" and failed lawsuit against the city of Valparaiso over noise from overhead fighter jets. In 2019, new to the House, he was disciplined by the state bar for a threatening tweet that was "unprofessional, reckless, insensitive, and demonstrated poor judgment.”.

This week, with even his own party balking at the insane notion of an A.G. Gaetz and calling out the "abhorrent" job he's done in Congress, Trump was reportedly strong-arming Senate Repubs, threatening if they voted against Gaetz "you're buying yourself a primary, and there's a guy named Musk who will finance it." Classy. His co-conspirator Shady Vance also "sherpa-ed" Gaetz around the Capitol to talk to senators; even (also classy) George Santos showed up to condemn the "witch hunt" against Gaetz and vow to "scream" at opponents through their doors if he had to. During his pitch to Senators, Gaetz evidently tried to ignore the issue of drug-and-sex-fueled parties and their possible crimes - "There's no there there" - but did plead, "Just give me a fair shake.” Denying he was seeking retribution, he said he was "not going to go there and indict Liz Cheney, have storm troopers bust through the studio door at MSNBC, and arrest Anthony Fauci in my first week." (His second week, then, anything goes?)

Still, noted one sage, "The brazenness worked until it didn’t." And fast. Thursday at 11:30 a.m., CNN reached out to Gaetz for comment on a scoop they said they were about to publish: The woman who had sex with Gaetz in 2017 when she was 17 years old told the House Ethics Committee she in fact had two sexual encounters with him at one party; she testified to both the second, previously unreported encounter, which included an adult women, and the first in a deposition as part of a related lawsuit. CNN told Gaetz they would publish the story at 12:30 p.m. He posted he was withdrawing his nomination at 12:24. Trump had allegedly told Gaetz that morning he didn't have enough votes to pass; in his announcement, Gaetz said he was stepping down because his confirmation was “unfairly becoming a distraction" to Trump's "critical work," even though "the momentum was strong" and he'd had "excellent meetings" with Senators who gave him "thoughtful feedback," aka, "They told me to eat shit and die."

“Matt has a wonderful future," Trump wrote, "and I look forward to watching all of the great things he will do," most likely paying more teenage girls for sex. GOP pols, citing "hell no" people they knew, seemed relieved at finding "the most humane way" out of a dilemma from which effluvium is still issuing. The New York Times reported investigators have established "a web" of suspicious Venmo payments - at least 10 totalling over $10,000 - between Gaetz, his "associates," and the women they paid. They even drew a surreal diagram, with names redacted, Gaetz a blue blur in the center, and his reasons for sending money: "Being my friend," "Joy,” "Being awesome," "Love you," "Just because." There's also an FBI investigation of a computer hack involving his former bestie doing time for trafficking, and a report Gaetz used the PayPal account of his Cuban adopted "son" Nestor, 19, though he also called Nestor "a local student" and "my helper." At the time, he was thus using a 16-year-old's money to pay for sex with a 17-year-old.

After the fact, there was little sympathy for the devil. There were snarky headlines - "Gaetz Forced To Pull Out After Sex Scandal Explodes" - musings about Kevin McCarthy living it up, reports of DOJ staff celebrating, jokes he resigned 'cause "his nomination got too old" or "he found out he'd be working with J.D. Vance not at a JV dance," wonder at the speed of his fall - "Not even one Scaramucci" - gratitude for "a Thanksgiving miracle" and "a good first punch." It's unclear if his resignation will apply to the new Congress; given the House ethics report still looms, many suggest Gaetz "just fucked himself out of government." Cognizant of "the deep bench of MAGA freaks," people speculated about the next choice: Hannibal Lecter, Michael Flynn, P. Diddy, Satan, another doctor, Pepper or Mengele, and, "Under a bridge somewhere, Rudy Giuliani hoping for a phone call." Some urged, "Now do the filthy hands guy," fellow loyal, vindictive, unqualified sexual predator and Christo-fascist Pete Hegseth, embroiled in his own foul muck.

Some speculate Trump's fail was in fact part of a "sacrifical lamb" plan to now inflict someone worse on us, but a former White House official argues Trump isn't smart enough to play "that sort of three-dimensional chess...More often than not he's just eating the pieces." Others warn we must insist on the Senate retaining its power to advise and consent in the face of so many dangers - Hegseth, Gabbard, RFK Jr., and God knows what unknown catastrophes await. Still, "The miasma of scandal that trailed Gaetz was too odorous...Finally, in a supposedly post-scandal era in which 'nothing matters', something mattered." The refusal to rubber-stamp a debacle, one wrote, is "a hopeful sign that a modicum of sanity persists in DC." Also, lest we forget, Thomas Jefferson is still right: "Our liberty depends on the freedom of the press, and that cannot be limited without being lost." “Donald Trump just took his first step backward," wrote former GOP consultant Steve Schmidt. "He will take many more soon....Do Not Be Afraid.”

Update: Trump's new nominee is staunch, lock-her-up bootlicker and Florida A.G. Pam Bondi. More of the same, presumably without the sex and drugs.

Matt Gaetz' intricate network of drugs, sex, women and "associates"Screenshot from New York Times