I’m risking it all for an affair with my best friend’s ex

DEAR DEIDRE: HAVING sex with my best friend’s ex is the most stupid thing I’ve ever done. 

Not only has he never got over her, but I have a lovely girlfriend who will be heartbroken when she discovers what I’ve done.

Since my girlfriend went through an early menopause, she’s gone off sex.

I’m not proud but when I saw my friend’s ex on a night out all my frustrations were out of control. 

I’m 39 and my girlfriend’s 37. We’ve been together for five years. 

We were talking about trying for a baby when she discovered that she was already perimenopausal – at 35.

Before that, we’d had a great sex life and a fantastic connection. 

But since her diagnosis, she’s not wanted sex at all. She says she has no libido and she’s not interested.

This hasn’t just left me feeling frustrated, it’s also created a big gulf between us. Without intimacy, our connection has gone. 

We’re like friends who live together. I wasn’t intending to cheat but after buying my friend’s ex a drink we slipped away together.

The sex was amazing and I felt the connection that’s gone from my relationship.

We’ve met up a few times now for sex. I do feel guilty.

This woman is engaged, and has no plans to leave her fiance so we’ve agreed to end our affair.

But I feel I must tell my girlfriend I’ve been unfaithful. The problem is, she will be heartbroken. 

DEIDRE SAYS: What a mess. You have risked several different relationships with this fling and so ending it was absolutely the right thing to do.

Telling your girlfriend you’ve cheated will ease your conscience, but it will only hurt her and almost inevitably bring an end to your relationship.

Perhaps this is what you want – an out. Maybe you’ve grown apart and the lack of sex has just compounded this. 

If it hasn’t, it may be better that she doesn’t know. She’s already grieving her fertility. 

Going through an early menopause is devastating, particularly if she wants children.

The hormonal changes can also cause a loss of libido and make sex uncomfortable.

If you want to rebuild your relationship, you need to talk to her and tell her how much you miss intimacy.

HRT can restore libido and sexual function in women.

And you could still have kids with IVF and donor eggs, if you both want to.

My support packs Menopause Problems and Saving Your Sex Life, will help.