I watch porn daily before school pick-up – it makes me a better mum but my friends would be horrified if they found out
A MUM of three with a loving husband, marketing exec Kellie James*, 49, of Barnet, North London, is happy with her secret habit.
Grabbing the all-important after-school snack, and my handbag and coat, I head toward the door.
But before I hit the school run, I need to do one more thing to prepare myself for my kids’ return — watch a ten-minute porn video.
Many days, as the clock rolls around to 2.45pm, I reach for my mobile and watch a sexy romp.
People who know me would be shocked, but it makes me a calm, relaxed mum when I meet the children at the school gates.
Nobody’s kid deserves a mum who is tightly wound, and is nagging them from the minute they step out of school.
And after having some “me time”, which is exactly what my viewing habits are, I am not that tense, wired mother.
I am happy, relaxed and genuinely delighted to hear about their day.
It makes me a great mum.
Women watching sex is a massive taboo, but I watch porn on my phone daily — and sometimes I will indulge twice a day.
None of my friends talk about porn, and I’m sure they’d think of me as some kind of deviant if I confessed to it.
I’m a mum to three gorgeous young kids and happily married.
My husband and I have been together for 11 years and I like having sex with him, but find that I’m often just too tired to bother.
After having children, we are both so exhausted and sex has sadly been put on the back-burner.
It was during lockdown in March 2020 that our intimate time hit rock bottom, with the kids always under our feet — and that’s when I started looking at porn.
I simply enjoy it and genuinely believe it makes me a better mum.
I’m not alone.
A new study of 1,200 women found 77 per cent admitted to having watched porn in the last month.
I’m one of them but, while 28 per cent of the women said they viewed at least once a week, I’m more of a regular than most — as watching porn is something I incorporate daily into my busy life.
I work full-time for a charity as a marketing executive, and as I often work from home I schedule porn-watching time into my breaks.
If I’m in the office, I factor it into the times I am alone at home without the kids.
Favourite is threesomes
My usual routine would be to watch it in my bedroom in my lunch hour, maybe for about ten minutes or even less.
Watching a bit before the school run is great — my working hours are arranged around school pick-up, so the fact that I’m rushed makes me more aroused.
I sometimes masturbate while watching, and other times I watch it to feel turned on but won’t take it any further.
I admit I usually feel bad afterwards — part of this might be because it feels like a compulsion, almost like vaping.
During the first lockdown, my hours became more home-based and one lunchtime I realised I’d never thought to look on my phone at porn.
It was an urge that came out of the blue, and something I wouldn’t have dreamt of doing when I had been entirely office-based.
But from that first viewing, I looked pretty much every day.
I feel guilty because some of the pornography isn’t very ethical and depicts women being degraded and treated badly — though I only watch porn where it looks consensual and I certainly hope the women aren’t being forced to do it.
There was absolutely no way I could reveal I watch it regularly.
Kellie James
I recently went out with some mum friends in the evening and we were talking about sex.
One of the mums admitted her partner regularly viewed porn, and I watched how the other mums reacted.
They were all horrified and said they were certain their partners didn’t watch it, and would worry that their other half was attracted to other women if they caught them viewing.
Realisation hit me at that moment — there was absolutely no way I could reveal I watch it regularly as they’d probably judge me.
It’s strange that so many people watch it but pretend they don’t.
Once, when I was very drunk, I told a friend I sometimes watched it.
She blushed, looked embarrassed and changed the subject, and I never brought it up again.
I couldn’t sleep for days after, as I was convinced she’d never speak to me again, but when we met for coffee the next week she pretended it hadn’t happened.
I find work super-stressful because I have a difficult manager who is unpredictable, and we have a lot of long meetings on Zoom.
These are often tedious and if I’m working from home, I will sometimes watch porn right after a meeting to distract myself and to relax.
It gets me away from work, and helps access a different part of myself.
A quick watch of porn is an easy way for me to take care of sexual tension.
Watch it together
It takes longer to feel satisfied when I have sex with my husband, whereas if I masturbate while watching porn I can be finished in about five minutes.
I have mentioned to my husband that I’ve watched it as a one-off, not revealing how often.
He didn’t seem fussed by my revelation and said we should maybe watch it together, but that has never happened.
Sometimes I worry porn watching is creating a distance between us, as I suspect he’s watching it too and doing that instead of having sex with me.
This leads me to worry about the type of sex that he watches and what his preferences are.
My favourite category is usually threesomes — two men and one woman.
Interestingly, I would never like to do this in real life, so it’s escapism for me to watch something totally different.
I definitely notice that I am getting more used to watching porn and am no longer shocked by seeing different types of sex, as I was at first.
But I still do not watch films where girls are victims — that is morally wrong.
I know deep down there is too much judgment for that.
Kellie James
There must be some kind of algorithm, as the site I use definitely shows me more of the same on my phone — it always offers up threesomes.
I always check that I’m browsing privately, turn down the sound if my husband is home and make sure I’ve deleted my browsing history so the family won’t inadvertently see things they shouldn’t.
I have no plans to stop watching porn but wish I could feel better about it, and less ashamed.
Dating app IllcitEncouters.com reports that 80 per cent of women feel more comfortable discussing and watching porn compared to five years ago.
This makes me feel wishful about chatting about my viewing habits freely with my mates over a glass of wine — but I know deep down there is too much judgment for that.
My gut tells me to keep my porn viewing secret, but I’m pretty sure my pals are probably watching it too and just not admitting to it.
*Name has been changed
…But don’t get addicted
PSYCHOLOGIST Emma Kenny has advice for those who feel their porn habit is getting too much.
She says: “That dopamine high from viewing it can be addictive.”
Here Emma shares some words of advice . . .
WORK OUT WHAT’S BEHIND YOUR PORN INTEREST: Why are you turning to porn?
Is it because you’re stressed, bored or feeling disconnected from your partner?
Once you understand the reason, you can tackle it head on.
For stress, try something calming like yoga or five minutes of deep breathing.
If boredom is the culprit, find something that excites you, whether it’s bingeing a new TV series or diving into a good book.
Recognising what’s driving you helps to break the cycle of automatic behaviour.
MAKE IT A REWARD, NOT A REFLEX: Think of porn like a slice of chocolate cake – delicious as a treat, but unhealthy if consumed too often.
When you use it as a reward, rather than a routine, it becomes more enjoyable and less of a habit.
For example, after a busy week at work, let it be a Friday night treat rather than something you turn to on your lunch break.
Keeping it special helps you to maintain control, stop it feeling like a necessity and set limits.
CHANGE UP THE MOMENT WITH SOMETHING RANDOM: If you want to cut back how much you use, next time you feel the urge, do something completely unexpected instead.
Blast your favourite song, try a five-minute workout or even start decluttering that drawer.
Distracting yourself with something random gives your brain a chance to reset and interrupts the habit loop.
Little moments like these can help you to regain control without feeling as though you are missing out.