At Least We Have Netflix’s Insane New Christmas Movies
Celebrating Thanksgiving after an election is always fraught. Celebrating Thanksgiving after this election has finally made me understand people who leave their families to go on cruises for the holidays. But we must find joy, or, failing that, distraction, where we can. One thing I am grateful for is that Netflix really overdid it with the Christmas movies this year.
In addition to licensing several Hallmark Channel hits, the streamer produced multiple original films (some of which feature Hallmark regulars like Lacey Chabert). They all offer the easy comfort of a rom-com with insane plot points that only someone like Lindsay Lohan could bring to life. Which one should you watch first? All of them!
Hot Frosty
➼ Logline: “When a young widow’s magic scarf brings a dashing snowman to life, can he help her rediscover romance, laughter and holiday cheer before he melts away?”
➼ Connection to the Lindsay Lohan cinematic universe: It stars Lacey Chabert, Lohan’s old Mean Girls co-star. This is referenced directly in the movie with some light fourth-wall breaking.
➼ Will it distract me from my family and the world at large? Yes. The premise itself demands continued attention: A snowman? Has come to life? And he’s hot? We see said snowman, played by Schitt’s Creek star Dustin Milligan, streak naked through the town square, visit a doctor who reads his internal temperature as 30 degrees Fahrenheit, and eat diner food for the first time like a dog. And yet … we know he is the perfect (snow)man for Chabert, a diner owner who is reeling from her husband’s death. (Even that fact is not too sad: It’s presented when Milligan finds some old medical files in Chabert’s basement and asks innocently, “What’s cancer?”) Everything in this movie has a gloss-on-the-lens, old-timey feel: Chabert’s character’s name is Kathy (?); the town sheriff, played by Craig Robinson, has an outsize presence in daily life; and nobody seems to have a smartphone. (Kathy wakes up to a clock radio alarm.) Also, Chrishell Stause from Selling Sunset makes a cameo.
➼ Christmas comfort rating: Seven knit scarves imbued with transformational magic.
The Merry Gentlemen
➼ Logline: “To save her parents’ small-town nightclub, a Broadway dancer stages an all-male, Christmas-themed revue — and meets a guy with all the right moves.”
➼ Connection to the Lindsay Lohan cinematic universe: It stars Chad Michael Murray, LiLo’s co-star in Freaky Friday and the forthcoming Freakier Friday.
➼ Will it distract me from my family and the world at large? Obviously. I was hooked from the opening scene, in which star Britt Robertson performs as a “Jingle Belle” in a Christmas spectacular on Broadway. The show is clearly modeled after the Rockettes, but the dance steps are straight out of a fourth-grade tap recital. When Robertson gets fired from the show for being too old (boo), she returns home to her small town and finds that her parents are behind on rent at their historic music venue. So, naturally, she enlists their handyman (Murray) to perform in a Christmas-themed, PG-rated strip show to raise funds. He can’t dance, either, but that’s okay. There is some light tension in the third act when Robertson gets a call to return to the Jingle Belles for a 25 percent raise, but that is OBVIOUSLY not enough for her to forsake romance with CMM. My only criticism is that they should have gotten Robertson a better wig, but that in itself was also a welcome source of distraction. Feel free to pass the time by charting its shifting location on her forehead.
➼ Christmas comfort rating: Six Magic Mike–style body rolls.
Our Little Secret
➼ Logline: “After discovering their significant others are siblings, two resentful exes must spend Christmas under one roof — while hiding their romantic history.”
➼ Connection to the Lindsay Lohan cinematic universe: It stars Lohan herself.
➼ Will it distract me from my family and the world at large? What do you think? But: There is a ten-year time jump between the opening scene and the rest of the movie, and to bridge the gap, director Stephen Herek chose to recap some major events of 2014–24 in the opening credits. This introduces a dose of reality that I prefer not to see in Christmas movies; also, the events seem to have been chosen at random. (The fire at Notre-Dame? That time a ship got stuck in the Suez Canal? A photo of Bernie Sanders at the 2020 inauguration?) Blessedly, reality leaves the building as soon as the movie gets going. Ian Harding, who played the predatory English teacher on Pretty Little Liars, is surprisingly charming as Lohan’s ex-boyfriend who is coincidentally dating her new boyfriend’s sister. As Harding and Lohan attempt to hide their past from their would-be in-laws, high jinks ensue. Lohan eats too many cookies and blames it on a Yorkie, who is then rushed to a vet played by Chris Parnell, a.k.a. Dr. Spaceman from 30 Rock. There is a long gag in which Lohan attempts to read from the Bible while unwittingly high on weed gummies (she kind of nails it, acting-wise?). And the whole thing hangs, confusingly, on Lohan teaching Harding how to use Canva so he can win a contract to develop a senior “lifestyle complex” in suburban Atlanta. Also, Kristin Chenoweth is there! I barely had time to look at my phone.
➼ Christmas comfort rating: A whole plate of Christmas cookies and weed gummies.
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