The Housewives Institute’s Bravo Gift Guide
If you’re anything like Lisa Barlow — and, let’s face it, we should all be a little bit more like Lisa Barlegend — then you think you deserve presents just for breathing. And if you really identify with that statement, you can get it on a hoodie, on a baby shirt, or on a magnet. There is so much Bravo-related merch online that there is plenty to buy for the person who has a personal shrine to Andy Cohen in their linen closet. (What, we don’t all do that?)
Obviously, some of that merch is better than others, so when you’re looking for something to get your friends who light up the group chat with Pump Rules conversations, here are some of the best and brightest gifts from across the Bravo-verse. I’m sure you’re going to use this as a shopping list for things you might want to purchase for yourself which, if we’re being honest, are the best kind of gifts. I’ve never returned a single present I’ve bought for myself.
Gifts for the chronically online
We’ve all seen those throwback ‘90s T-shirts on Instagram that you can get made of any pop star or even your friends or your dog. Thank god Bravo itself made the Watch What Happens Live Andy’s 90’s [sic] Heartthrob T-shirt ($26.95) featuring our dark lord and savior in five different poses. Now you don’t need to order a bootleg one from Insta. And speaking of the ‘gram, there are plenty of wannabe influencers out there.Thankfully we now have the Larsa Light ($19.99) phone attachment whose 142 LEDs always provide perfect lighting for content creation. Of all the Housewives products, this is the first one I’ve seen since Skinny Girl Margaritas that might actually take off.
Watch What Happens Live Andy’s 90’s Heartthrob T-Shirt
Gifts for the Serious Professional
If you want to add some much-needed gravitas to any work setting, might we suggest getting your corporate friends this SUR Back Alley Dumpster Fire Desk Accessory ($30.59) which is a tiny plastic waste receptacle for pens and pencils. It even comes with flame-shaped sticky notes to really make it a Dumpster fire. We know NeNe Leakes hates a white refrigerator, but what about a Not A White Refrigerator Pen Cup ($27.53). It even says, like NeNe, “I was shocked, honey.” For those who want their workspace to be a little bit more serious, how about a “Busy But Willing to Discuss Real Housewives” Funny Bravo Mug ($25.07)? That sort of says it all about many of our work days.
Sur Back Alley Dumpster Fire Desk Accessory
Gifts for the Boozer
We know that Ramona loves her Pinot Grigio and Lisa Vanderpump loves her rosé, but what to get the alcoholic — I mean, “spirits connoisseur?” You’ll be shocked to learn that Dorinda Medley’s Bluestone Manor Bourbon ($48) has excellent reviews and Lisa Barlow’s Vida Tequila Reposado ($64.99) scores a 94 out of 100 on Wine Enthusiast. I will also begrudgingly add my person nemesis Erin Mew Mew Lichy’s Mezcalum ($49.99) to the list, but that’s only because Jeanna Lyon’s Love Seen lashes and Ubah Hassan’s Ubah Hot hot sauce are currently “sold out” and we need some new RHONY representation. Whatever you do, just don’t buy Malibu Rum and Diet Coke, even as a joke.
Vida Reposado
Gifts for the ‘California Sober’
Now that DJ James Kennedy has given up booze (and, probably, “pasta”) in favor of the weed, there are sure to be plenty of Bravoholics following suit. For those who live in Maryland, Eddie Osefo’s Happy Eddie makes a set of three Zen Wen Pre-Rolls (prices vary). “Its effects may include enhanced creativity, improved happiness, and a sense of relaxation,” the website says. Apparently smoking Happy Eddie is just like watching Bravo. Tamra and Eddie Judge’s Vena line is mostly CBD products (what a snooze, literally), but they do have a six pack of Happy Place Seltzers ($29.95) with 2mg of THC in each can. Still, you might have to polish off the sixer in order to hallucinate like Karen Huger after her COVID vaccine.
Happy Eddie Pre-Rolls
Gifts for the Stealth Bravo Watcher
Not everyone wants to advertise their love of all things Bravo, and there are gifts for them too. Kyle Cooke and Amanda Batula’s Loverboy line of cocktails has the cutest merch in the fandom, so check out this classy Blackout Long Sleeve sweatshirt ($42) that’s an all-black version of their popular varsity-style hoodie. Those in the know will get it and those who aren’t will just think you’re wearing black. I also love this print ($21.66), that looks like a diagram from a botany text book, but when you get closer it says “Receipts, Proof, Timeline, Screenshots, Fucking Everything,” for a gentle IYKYK. While we’re decorating the house, Craig Conover’s Sewing Down South offers this Paige Collection Snakes Lumbar Pillow ($65) that looks like something straight out of Gucci Home, is half leather, and not a logo in sight.
Blackout Long Sleeve Tee
Gifts for the World Traveler
It would be easy to get a Bravo fan tickets to see Countess Luann’s Christmas Cabaret show (prices vary) when it tours the U.S. in December. But if you really want to impress, how about tickets to Mighty Hoopla (£149 for weekend passes, £74.50 for Sunday only), London’s annual weekend long pop music festival, where Erika Jayne is one of the headliners. Kesha is also headlining along with other reality TV vets like Adore Delano and G Flip. And while you’re in London, you can even ride the Thames Rocket speedboat (£54.95) like the RHOC ladies did on their recent trip. Getting Shannon Beador to show up in your hotel room with an enema to relieve travel-related constipation will cost extra.
Gifts for Those Who Only Watch Beverly Hills
Let’s face it, not everyone watches all of the shows, so what to get for those who only love the diamond holders? The obvious choice is one of Jamie Lee Curtis’s charity products that we saw her hawking on the show. Her website officially renamed this the Dorit “Chic” Wind Chime ($30) probably to capitalize on all the online searches. For the Sutton stans out there, and there are plenty, how about a beaded coin purse that says “Name ‘em. Name ‘em. Name ‘em.” ($29.99) If you really want to break the bank, you can order from Kyle Richards (and Rihanna’s!) favorite store Kemo Sabe. A Navy Beaver Hat will only cost you $895, but you can make all the beaver jokes you want for free. Just don’t let Morgan Wade hear you.
Navy Beaver Hat
For the Real Men Who Watch Bravo
There are tons of guys who watch Bravo “because my wife/girlfriend/mistress/favorite stripper got me into it” but we know they love it just as much as everyone else. So what do dudes like? They like dressing sloppily, which is exactly why the “This Is My Reunion Look” Dad Hat ($29.95) is both cute and hilarious. Dudes also like football, so how about a Real Housewives University sweatshirt ($50.39) with a football helmet on it. Bravo has never looked more butch. Dudes also like grilling, which is why there is a Real Househusbands Logo Laser Engraved Cutting Board ($39.95). Dudes like beer, so a 24-pack of Austen Kroll’s Trop Hop Peach Wheat ($59.96) should hit the spot. What else do dudes love? Oh! Boobs! Dudes really love boobs. Contrary to what Erika Jayne taught us, it’s not $7 for a naked bundle of Denise Richards on OnlyFans (NSFW!) but a three-month subscription is a very reasonable $67.50.
This Is My Reunion Look Dad Hat
Gifts for the Book Lover
We all spend so much time watching Bravo how does anyone have time to read? Maybe the best order is a pre-order. The Really Dead Wives of New Jersey ($16.73) is basically what would happen if there was a murder on RHONJ and doesn’t ship until January 14, so you can have time to prepare for some reading. (I’m two chapters into a press copy and loving it.) Not to toot my own horn, but The Housewives: The Real Story Behind the Real Housewives has four stars on Amazon and will now only cost you $12.69 because it’s so old it came out when Jen Shah was still a free woman. But, yeah, reading chapters and sentences can be a lot of work. Thea de Souza’s unauthorized trivia books are amusing to test your own knowledge or trying to stump a friend. There’s one for Housewives and a brand new one about Pump Rules (both $15.80). But if any words are too much, check out the coloring books by Ryan Casey (aka Drunk Drawn). He’s made one for RHONY, RHOBH, and Pump Rules (All $19.99). These, some colored pencils, and those Zen Wen pre-rolls would make for a perfect evening.
‘The Housewives: The Real Story Behind the Real Housewives,’ by Brian Moylan