The Twelve Days of Royalsmas

Spoiler: there will be no gifting of birds.

It’s the holiday season. It’s also a rather busy point in the baseball offseason. The Winter Meetings took place earlier this week. The Mets just signed a player to what will end up being the worst contract in the history of professional sports. The Red Sox picked up Garrett Crochet. The Draft Lottery (which doesn’t include the Royals!) rewarded the Washington Nationals. The Rule 5 Draft took place to wrap up the meetings.

Busy, indeed.

Still, the offseason is time for some fun, and since my wife and sons have forced me to listen to Christmas music since the day after the election, I’ve decided to combine a holiday music favorite (well, not my favorite) with the Kansas City Royals.

That’s right: it’s time for The Twelve Days of Royalsmas.

But in this version, there will be no gifting of birds. Seriously, let’s talk about that for a second. Why are there so many damn birds gifted in that song? I don’t get it. For one thing, birds are unsettling creatures. They’re dinosaurs! They have wings! It’s unnatural. Another thing, once when I was in college, I walked into my parents’ empty house, and when I entered the kitchen, there was a bird on the table. We did not have a pet bird. This little monster somehow broke into the house and decided to chill on the kitchen table where we ate. Disgusting. Luckily, I is smarter than bird, so I managed to get it back outside where it belonged without harming it. Still—I think about it to this day, and I do not understand whatsoever why one would give his or her true love so many birds.

I digress. Let’s get back on topic—The Twelve Days of Royalsmas.

Researching this column, I looked for certain things that had happened a certain number of times, or were done by a certain number of players, in Royals history. Reader, you might not learn anything here—maybe you already knew all of this. But I learned some things, and so might you.

Before starting, a quick ranking of my five favorite Christmas songs:

1. “The Christmas Song” by Nat King Cole
2. “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” by Frank Sinatra
3. “(There’s No Place Like) Home for the Holidays” by Perry Como—I’ve always thought this song could also be for Thanksgiving
4. “Snoopy’s Christmas” by the Royal Guardsmen
5. “O Tannenbaum” by Vince Guaraldi Trio

Alright, let’s go! Starting on the last day:

On the twelfth day of Royalsmas, my G.M. gave to me...

Twelve seasons in which a Royal corked more than 30 home runs.

1. John Mayberry, 1975: 34
2. Steve Balboni, 1985: 36
3. Danny Tartabull, 1987: 34
4. Bo Jackson, 1989: 32
5. Danny Tartabull, 1991: 31
6. Gary Gaetti, 1995: 35
7. Dean Palmer, 1998: 34
8. Jermaine Dyle, 2000: 33
9. Mike Moustakas, 2017: 38
10. Jorge Soler, 2019: 48
11. Salvador Perez, 2021: 48
12. Bobby Witt Jr., 2024: 31

On the eleventh day of Royalsmas, my G.M. gave to me...

Eleven Royals earning a Silver Slugger.

1. George Brett x 3
2. Willie Wilson x 2
3. Hal McRae
4. Frank White
5. Gary Gaetti
6. Dean Palmer
7. Billy Butler
8. Kendrys Morales
9. Salvador Perez x 5
10. Eric Hosmer
11. Bobby Witt Jr.

On the tenth day of Royalsmas, my G.M. gave to me...

Ten playoff appearances: 1976, 1977, 1978, 1980, 1981, 1984, 1985, 2014, 2015, 2024.

On the ninth day of Royalsmas, my G.M. gave to me...

Nine seasons in which a Royal collected 200+ hits.

1. George Brett, 1976: 215
2. George Brett, 1979: 212
3. Willie Wilson, 1980: 230
4. Kevin Seitzer, 1987: 207
5. Johnny Damon, 2000: 214
6. Mike Sweeney, 2000: 206
7. Melky Cabrera, 2011: 201
8. Whit Merrifield, 2019: 206
9. Bobby Witt Jr., 2024: 211

On the eighth day of Royalsmas, my G.M. gave to me...

Eight Gold Gloves won each by both Frank White and Alex Gordon.

On the seventh day of Royalsmas, my G.M. gave to me...

Seven 100-loss seasons: 2002, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2018, 2019, 2023.

On the sixth day of Royalsmas, my G.M. gave to me...

Six pitchers to win 100+ games as a Royal.

1. Paul Splittorff: 166
2. Dennis Leonard: 144
3. Mark Gubicza: 132
4. Kevin Appier: 115
5. Larry Gura: 111
6. Bret Saberhagen: 110

On the fifth day of Royalsmas, my G.M. gave to me...

Five batting crowns.

1. George Brett, 1976: .333
2. George Brett, 1980: .390
3. Willie Wilson, 1982: .332
4. George Brett, 1990: .329
5. Bobby Witt Jr., 2024: .332

On the fourth day of Royalsmas, my G.M. gave to me...

Four American League pennants: 1980, 1985, 2014, 2015.

On the third day of Royalsmas, my G.M. gave to me...

Three Numbers retired worn by a Royals player.

1. George Brett: 5
2. Dick Howser: 10
3. Frank White: 20

On the second day of Royalsmas, my G.M. gave to me...

Two World Series Championships: 1985, 2015.

On the first day of Royalsmas, my G.M. gave to me...

One Hall of Famer: George Brett.

***

As promised: no birds.